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Friday, July 21, 2006
 
Some jokes from my email

The consultant

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you
give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Telstra mobile phone. He surfs to a NASA page on
the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The
young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of
complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and
says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and
you don't know crap about my business.

Now give me back my dog.

The husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On
theirwedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.......
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
 
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The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)


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