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Thursday, April 14, 2005
 
L.E.W.D. Manifesto

The Reason

The Big Fuck's post yesterday attracted a comment (which I mentioned) saying something about 15 minutes blah blah. The Big Fuck's reply was something to the effect of "it's not blogging popularity. it's the first step to TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. get with the program." (In case you're wondering why I'm being so vague instead of cutting and pasting the original text, I'm currently in the office and hence without access to the internet. It stinks, but bear with me.) As all men know, I've been plotting my own conquest of the world since as far back as I can remember. Also, as you may have noticed, a few of my friends have their own plans to take over the world too. Examples of these potential Evil Overlords are the Evil Canadian and Sheena. The Evil Canadian and I originally thought that we were eventually going to have to kill each other, but we eventually came to the agreement that he would rule the western hemisphere with an iron fist, while I would be the tyrannical god-king of the east. This is just as well, since I am loath to destroy the Evil Canadian, because despite his numerous deeply entrenched character flaws (there are too many to enumerate), he is still one fucking funny sonofabitch and one of the few people who can match my intelligence and cruelty (I've met two or three so far, and no, Sheena, you're not one of them).

Now, it seems, the Big Fuck also wishes to take over the world and again, I am reluctant to destroy him, because truly funny fuckers like him are rare. After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that even Evil Overlords deserve a break from the tedium of torturing their fearful subjects once in a while, and thus I have generously decided that I shall not rule the world alone. Instead, I shall share the mission of subjugating the rest of you headcounts with like-minded individuals. It is with this in mind that I have decided to form the blogosphere's first world domination cabal. To that end, I have decided to group my blog links under two sub-headings. The good old "Other blogs (that are not quite as good as mine)" (because let's face it, no blog is as good as mine is) shall remain. The new one shall be "Links for Eventual World Domination", or L.E.W.D..




Some Reassurance For Headcounts

Since it is imperative for any aspiring Evil Overlord to conceal his motives until events have progressed to such a point where opposition to his regime is no longer possible, the official party line to you headcounts shall be that L.E.W.D. contains the links to blogs or sites that I find entertaining and have marked for blogosphere stardom (or which are already famous), while the other category contains blogs that either belong to my unsuspecting "friends" (because they are actually merely future minions) or that I enjoy reading but don't think have what it takes to become famous. Of course, usually the blogs I enjoy reading tend to become famous. Anyway, if you're not listed in L.E.W.D., don't take it personally. It doesn't really mean anything other than that I think your blog sucks. Having these groupings will also serve as a gauge for how much of a Midas I really am. So if you, the humble reader, should happen to be looking for something to read, you should check out the links under L.E.W.D., while if you wish to know about what's going on in the lives of my friends (I have no idea why you would wish to do that, but whatever), check out OBTANQASGAM. My, that sure is a mouthful.

Lastly, L.E.W.D. has a higher priority than the other category. In other words, if I decide to link you, you will only be linked in OBTANQASGAM if you fail the criteria for L.E.W.D.. Fret not, however, because you may be upgraded if you improve, although it is highly doubtful that event should ever occur, seeing as how you're a bunch of fucking wankers. Also, to qualify for L.E.W.D., you have to update frequently, unless there are extenuating circumstances like examinations or some shit like that. Either that, or you have to be some fucking blogging icon like Adri, who manages to come up with interesting stuff, like, every other post.

If your blog sucks and you still wish to be in L.E.W.D., beg me for it, you dog. Yes, let me see you sit up and beg, with your paws in front of your chest, you pathetic animal, you.

Ok, I'm more or less kidding here. I don't really think your blogs suck lah (well, mostly not). Now, buzz off, ok?




Manifesto

Now that I've reassured the cannon fodder, we can progress to the serious business. If our cabal is to succeed, it is going to need clearly defined objectives and goals. So here are the goals of our new blogging Illuminati.


  1. Write really, really, ridiculously kickass blogs.

  2. Related to (1), garner a large reader base. We need them to be human meat shields in the event that something goes wrong and violence ensues.

  3. Frikkin' ninjas with frikkin' laserbeams attached to them to do our bidding, man. 'Nuff said.

  4. Have really wild parties, with jugs overflowing with alcohol and shit. What's the point of taking over the world if we don't enjoy ourselves?

  5. Perfect your evil laughter, like so. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  6. Related to (2), shamelessly whore ourselves in any way possible for fame.

  7. Eventually build a secret lair inside some volcano on a tropical island, patrolled by frikkin' ninjas with frikkin' laserbeams attached to them.

  8. What else? Take over the world!



I will create have created a badge for you all to put on your sites to tell people that you're a proud member of L.E.W.D.. Put it on your sites. Or not. Whatever.




FAQ (or rather, questions I think may be asked frequently, but the acronym's too bloody long)

Q: What if I do not want to be in L.E.W.D.?
A: Why the fuck would you wish to decline this singularly distinguishing honour? You're insane. I don't care, if I put you in L.E.W.D., you're in, baby, and the only way to get out is to commit blogicide.

Q: Are there any benefits to being in L.E.W.D.?
A: Yes, you're probably going to become famous.

Q: What if I wish to put up the L.E.W.D. badge but I'm not listed under L.E.W.D.?
A: You're free to do that, of course, and if you do wish to be listed, drop me a line and I'll consider it. If your site sucks, you may have to beg. If you put up the L.E.W.D. badge without being listed, it means you're a proud minion of our cabal. If you're cool with being a minion, that's fine. Hey, never to early to enlist on the winning side, right?




Badge of Lewdness



To put the Badge of Lewdness on your site, simply copy and paste the text below.

<a href="http://donaq.blogspot.com/2005/04/lewd-manifesto.html"><img src="http://trashb.in/img/lewdlogo.jpg" border="0" alt="LEWD" /></a>


I realise that the words at the bottom are a bit blurred, but they say "Blogging Cabal For World Domination". I'll make them clearer and put the image at the same link if I ever get round to it.

Update (15/04/05):
I note, with pleasure, that the Big Fuck has designed a less garish version of the Badge of Lewdness. The Big Fuck's version is small and elegant, suitable for both sexes and aspiring Evil Overlords of all ages and ethnicities. Props to you, dude, for being such an extremely cool fucker. You get an Adrian Coolness Point for it. Here is the miniature Badge of Lewdness, presented in all its glory.



To link, copy and paste the below text.

<a href="http://donaq.blogspot.com/2005/04/lewd-manifesto.html"><img src="http://trashb.in/img/lewdsmall.png" border="0" alt="LEWD" /></a>


Also, by the special request of the delectable Celly, I have created a version of the Badge of Lewdness that may perhaps be more suitable for Evil Overladies, as shown below.



Along with the text you need to link it.

<a href="http://donaq.blogspot.com/2005/04/lewd-manifesto.html"><img src="http://trashb.in/img/lewdlogo2.jpg" border="0" alt="LEWD" /></a>


So there you go, people.




More Reassurance

Here's more reassurance for the cannon fodder. This is all just a big joke. There are no plans for world domination. Your blogs don't suck. I'm obviously just pulling all this shit out of my ass. L.E.W.D. is merely a list of blogs that I think are funny and that may become popular. It means nothing, just like Adrian Coolness Points (ACP) mean nothing. The earth is flat.




Right, here's the cool link of the day, or week, in all likelihood.

Also, if you think L.E.W.D. is a pretty cool acronym, get a load of this. Adri was the founder of PETA (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals).

Lastly, I would like to credit Steven Berkoff, for unknowingly lending me his face for the L.E.W.D. logo. If you happen to be Steven Berkoff (unlikely) and are offended, inform me and I will change it to another evil-looking bugger.
 
Comments:
Yay~ I'm a L.E.W.D member! I suppose this is our HQ?
 
Reporting to Don. A.Q.: I have put our logo up on my blog.
 
heehee...i like how this is the base camp for the whole l.e.w.d. thing - mr. donaq - what a clever ploy for plugging your blog (hence fulfilling criteria 6 and 2); I'll make a small clickety click button and put it in my clickety click section when i'm done; can't be TOO obvious about my world domination plans, you know!

Regards,
J

Notice how I always hotlink my blog in my comments. I am such a blog whore.
 
Dude Dude.. I really wanna put the badge up.. but u got sexier/cuter picture/version for girl's blog?
 
heh...you can see my tiny tiny version on my page.
 
World domination? Yah, I guess I could settle for that.
I think I've got the wild party thing covered.
I'm just wondering if there is any other fringe benefits, besides the ninjas and laserbeams? Like say, maybe I can engage more frequently in makeout sessions? Although, if the secret lair is on a tropical island, I'm sure debauchery and sand and sun go hand-in-hand, as they seem to on tv and in movies?

Maybe I should just leave my dorm room first, perhaps that could be a start?
 
Feisty Bitch and Sheena: Wow, such prompt action. Fuckin' A.

Big Fuck: Haha, the Badge of Lewdness was partially inspired by you, dude. And thanks for making the tiny tiny version. You kick ass.

Celle: Hmmm. Ok, I shall make a more feminine one when I get back from work tonight.

Jess: Debauchery is an integral part of the life of an Evil OverLo - err . . . I mean, Overlady. Once we conquer the world, you shall have your pick of sex slaves.
 
We can be the new Axis of Evil.

When we take over the world, life shall be one long party, with lots of booze, dancing, and hot chicks. Stupid people shall be conscripted into slavery and made to do our bidding, which will be a blessing to them, since if we get bored of them we could always toss them into a big pit, where spammers and trolls are tortured for our amusement.

And we can get slaves to build statues of us commemorating how frikkin' awesome we are to have united the world.

But to begin, I propose that we start laying out plans to construct our Battlestation of DOOM!!!!111!!!, complete with ninjas and laserbeams. :p
 
i luv lazers.

rokkkonnnn!!!!!

fuck, drinking on weekdays...
 
yes, lasers kick ass! drinking kicks ass too. as a matter of fact, i'll probably be drinking later.
 
I WANNA BE LEWD! I WANNA BE FAMOOSE! COMON COMON COMON!
 
I AM A LEWDITE!

*this sounded better than "I am LEWD" =x
 
Make me a lewd member. I get extra cool points for consideration because my blog is called the lewd angel.

www.thelewdangel.com
 
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Laughing at the cosmic gag reel since March '04!

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Due to the fact that my ego is a humongous, bloated monstrousity, it is not highly unlikely that I wouldn't say no to your linking my blog, so there is no need to ask me.


Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)


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