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Wednesday, April 06, 2005
EXTREME Care Bears

I watched House Of Fury recently. Much as I would like to support Asian cinema, I'd have to say that the movie sucked balls. Seriously, it was so lousy I wouldn't even recommend downloading it. The plot made zero sense. It made so little sense that I forgot what it was about the moment I stepped out of the theater. I only remembered that there was quite a lot of fighting, but even the action sucked. I'd have expected more from Yuen Wo Ping, the man behind The Matrix. For the first time in my life, I found myself thinking "man, Hollywood would have done the action better", rather than the opposite. Not that I'm a big fan of Hollywood, and say what you will, but you have to admit that when they decide to make an action film, they go all out. The actors usually train for a minimum of a month for it.

I guess that's what you get when you have Feng De Lun as the director and some vapid bimbo bitch as the lead actress. It was only after the show that my friends told me that the two actresses in the show were in fact from the vapid bimbo bitch singing group, Twins. No wonder their acting sucked. About all they could do really well was . . . ok, there was nothing they did well. They'd have been better off doing a porno. At least they could not have possibly fucked a porno up, since the entire point of a porno is to fuck things up.

Seriously, this was the fucking most poorly put together piece of shit that I've seen in longer than I care to remember. Avoid. Not just avoid, but avoid like you would the motherfucking plague.

Dumb fucks like Feng De Lun should never be allowed to make films. My ex-girlfriend had a friend who was a dead ringer for Feng De Lun, and he was stupid too. Come to think of it, all her friends were boyishly good-looking idiots, because, well, she was a sucker for boyish good looks, ahem. It is hard, however, to find someone like the ex-boyfriend of my ex-girlfriend, who is not only good-looking and intelligent, but also amazingly talented as well, not to mention possessing a devastating sense of humour and a BigDick. Also, he has VibroHands. Man, my ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend sure rocked everyone's faces. But I digress. The point is that people possessing both looks and brains (as well as BigDicks and VibroHands) are rare. Feng De Lun is definitely not one of them, and neither are my ex-girlfriend's guy friends. Unlike her ex-boyfriend, I might add. I understand that he also writes a kickass blog. Man, that is one cool motherfucker.

I noticed that one of the comments on the Big Fuck's recent post was from a person telling him say the word "fuck" so much. Seriously, I don't know if that fucker is a friend of the Big Fuck, but if he is, I hope that she does not read my blog, because I think that he is a congenital idiot. I mean, come the fuck on. I mean, seriously. I mean, words somehow fail me here. Hello, look at the fucking title of the blog? Look at what the author calls himself? Look at the fucking domain name, for chrissake. Big Fuck, Big Fuck, http://bigfuck.blogspot.com. Do any of those suggest anything to you? Do they trigger any warning bells? I can practically see the long-neglected neurons slowly grinding into action.

Well done, Sherlock. You've stumbled upon the one blog that will most certainly contain the word "fuck" for fucking sure, indubitably and inevitably. Seriously, if the word "fuck" offends you, what the fuck are you doing reading a site written by someone who calls himself The Big Fuck? In fact, what the fuck are you doing accessing the Internet? Shouldn't you instead be reading Enid Blyton, watching Care Bears and playing with your fucking Barbie dolls? Jesus fucking H. Christ on a fucking pogo stick.

Speaking of Care Bears, I was talking to a friend of mine over coffee the other day, and he told me that old cartoons are being revived, only now they're all EXTREME cartoons. I said, what's next, EXTREME Care Bears? I guess they'd all skydive, wear leather, chug beer and shit.

EXTREME Care Bear #1: All right, let them have it, boys!

EXTREME Care Bear #2: Yeah, it's time to fuckin' stare!

EXTREME Care Bears: *do breakdance or some shit*

On second thought, maybe having more young idiots buying into EXTREME shit isn't such a bad idea after all. The more they do EXTREME stuff, the less of them there'll be, and God knows having less people can only be a good thing.

p.s. By the way, if you're EXTREME and want to tell me that I have no idea what it's all about, don't bother. I don't give a flying fuck.

The Evil American goes to a car show. Loads of pictures of cars. Unfortunately, some idiot hot chicks kept shoving their tits in the way of his camera and hence, we don't actually get to see much of the cars, goddammit. Because that's what's really important. The cars, not the tits. Some of the pictures have him inside them. After you see him and realise that he has lost weight, you'll realise that my previous post was not so much an insult to him as it is a mild exaggeration of the truth.
For some strange reason, I couldn't stop laughing towards the end of this post. You know, the bit about Enid Blyton and Care Bears.

God, I used to hate Enid fucking Blyton.

Nice headlights at the car show.
You had ex-girlfriends? I thought all you had were ex-one-night stands. =x

And btw, I'm a Saggi too. 20th December.
Big Fuck: I used to love Enid Blyton until I discovered that I could not, in fact, talk to animals.

T: Heh. How do you like Matt's picture? He used to be real cute when he was slim, ages ago.

Sheena: I'm 19th. :P
I fucking hate the new obsession to make everything in life EXTREME. Bloody Hell. Even Animal Planet cannot help itself. Most Extreme Animals. Bloody fucking hell.

Oh, and Enid Blyton was alright, but couldn't stand the fact that naughty kids always got their comeuppance. Bah. Giving children an overly optimistic view of the world.
I used to love Enid Blyton too... until I realised that no matter how long I sat in my garden (I used to live in a semi-d) and dug about in the grass, I couldn't find a single pixie, fairy or gnome. =(

And power!!! We can celebrate our birthdays together this year with a bang! Err... not that kind of bang, you pervert, I meant the blast-off fireworks sort. Let's go clubbing sometime near our birthdays!!! *excited because I haven't clubbed in ages*
Ivan: Yeah, we should have more realistic children's books.

Sheena: Yeah ok. Let's go get drunk when the time comes, heheh.
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Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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