My Mother Kicks Ass
Continuing the first part of the previous post
. We have "browned"
, "popped by gandhi"
, "cowed by Caleb"
, "balded by googa"
and being "given a free brain haemorrhage"
. Personally, I think you should go with "knighted by the Techno Prince" or something, Ivan. Although that is
a tad long. I was wondering how to describe being linked by the Big Fuck
, and I think getting "fucked big time" succintly describes it. Now we come to yours truly. How would one described being linked by Don A.Q.? I have come up with two choices.
1) "Rocked by the sucker" or,
2) "sucked by the rocker".
Personally, I think both kick ass.
I was just having an interesting chat with my mother over breakfast.
Yes, you bastards, I do
have a mother.
So anyway, there's this Chinese festival called "Qing Ming", where we go to tidy up the graves of dead relatives. Personally, I think it's nonsense, of course, but I go every year anyway because it's a chance to meet up with my cousins. I think it's nonsense because what do the dead care about the blocks of stone and soil we place above their decomposing heads? I told my mother that when she's gone, I will no longer observe the custom.
Before we go on, I understand that some of you pinheads will think that it was a terrible thing to say to one's mother or some shit like that. Well, it's not. That's because I have an extremely cool mother whom you can really talk to, instead of mumbling polite cliches throughout your conversations.
Moving along, my mother was saying that I should at least put her remains in a temple (my mother's religious, but doesn't mind that I'm not) and visit them every year. I had a counter-proposal. I suggested instead that I put her remains in an urn and display it, along with a plaque and her picture, prominently somewhere in my future home. The plaque will tell anyone who visits my home what a fucking wonderful mother she was, and also list all the things she did for my brother and I. It would also mention that she was a wonderful cook. Yes, I think that would be a fucking wonderful idea. Firstly, everyone who knows me will also know of my mother. Secondly, no crummy phoney temple will get my ill-gotten money. Lastly, I wouldn't have to make trips every year just to be reminded of my mother. I can be reminded of her in the comfort of my own home.
I'm just kidding about the reminding part, of course. If there is one person in this world that I will never forget, it would definitely be my most cool mother. Did I mention that she's a great cook? I know this would probably come as a surprise to you fuckers, but I am really a mother's boy, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Why should I be? The fact that I have a great relationship with my mother doesn't detract from the fact that I am still a fucking badass who will slap your heads off for so much as looking at me wrong.
I'll tell you who really should be despised rather than mother's boys, though. It's the motherfucking spoilt brats who are rude at home, but who are like fucking mice outside. I knew a few people like that when I was younger. I spit on people like that. Be nasty to other people if you have the balls, but not to the people who care for you (they don't have to be your family). What's the fucking point of having an attitude around people who won't fight you over it? I mean, look at The Godfather
. He may have bestrode the New York underworld like a modern-day Caesar for two generations, but he's all about Family.
Seriously, everyone should watch The Godfather. It contains all the lessons one needs to get through life.
I actually meant:
1) "Rocked by the sucker" or
2) "sucked by the rocker".
Forgive me, I haven't had my morning smoke.