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Tuesday, April 05, 2005
 
The Pagan Bible

I'm too lazy to blog much today, so I shall post the Pagan Bible that the Evil Canadian and I wrote. I used to use the handle "saggi" because I am a Sagittarius and I thought "sagi" looked dumb. I stopped using that nick because too many people thought it referred to my saggy breasts. Seriously, guys are stupid. I have no fucking idea what you girls see in guys. Anyway, here's the bible. It was written years ago, but it's still pretty awesome.




Chapter 1: Genesis




In the beginning the LORD said to himself "fuck, I'm bored stiff"

so he created the heaven and the earth

and he saw that it was good

and then he created life on earth

and he saw that it was good

and he guided life into funny looking lizard things

and he saw that they were good

And the LORD blessed them, saying, Be fruitful and multiply in the
earth.

and then the LORD saw everything he had made, and behold, it was
very good

and so the LORD went off to attend to other duties.









Chapter 2: What The Hell?




and upon his return the LORD looked once again upon the earth

and the LORD said "where the fuck did all these apes come from??

what happened to my frigging dinosaurs??"

and the LORD was grieved when he discovered the truth

and he said "well let's take a look at these stupid apes then"

and he saw that that they were a bunch of gullible idiots who
would believe anything

and the LORD searched among them for signs of intelligence

and finally he came upon an enlightened soul

and the LORD said "aha! at last one who is worthy to be prophet"









Chapter 3: The Prophet




and the LORD spake unto pieter, the enlightened one

"hey you" saith the LORD

and pieter looked around, but saw no one

and the LORD spake again unto pieter "hey you"

and pieter thought to himself "too much caffeine again"

and the LORD spake again unto pieter "are you fucking deaf?"

and pieter sayeth "aaah get thee behind me demon"

and the LORD, who is omnipresent, sayeth "I AM behind you"

and pieter turned around, and lo, there was a giant tuna sandwich

and pieter said "woh... a talking sandwich. I must still be trippin'"

and the LORD said "no, you idiot, that's just a sandwich.

"I'm all around you, you can't see me. now listen

"there is iniquity in the land!" sayeth the LORD "write down these
holy scriptures so as to guide thy brethren to righteousness"

and Pieter looked upon the face of the LORD (which was everywhere and couldn't really be seen, as in, like, seen, seen) and sayeth "well I'm kinda
busy right now ..."

but the LORD is a persistent fucker and he went on saying "how canst
thou sit on thy ass while thy fellow man runs amok with ignorance?"

"thou shalt taketh pen in hand and scribe the holy word of righteousness"

and it was Pieter who again replied stating
"well ok, but can I use a
wordprocessor instead? my handwriting is laden with iniquity"

and the LORD heard the words of Pieter, and he knew that they were good

and the LORD said "ok, but thou shalt use a larger font for my name"

and Pieter, who was now the holy prophet, said "it shall be so LORD"









Chapter 4: The Commandments




and so the holy prophet opened his microsoft
wordprocessor, which incidentally was laden
with a lot of wickedness,

and he typeth the commandments that the voice of the LORD stated.




  1. thou shalt mind thy own fucking business, leave thy neighbours the fuck alone,
    and live thy own damned life
  2. thou shalt not prayeth over a sick child instead of taking them to a fucking doctor
  3. thou shalt not bother with other gods, for they are false and their followers are a
    bunch of inept morons
  4. thy neighbours butt is not yours, and thou shalt not give a fuck what thy neighbour
    chooses to place up his butt
  5. thou shalt not discriminate, instead thou shalt hate everyone
    equally for being the worthless pieces of shit they are.
  6. thou shalt use thy fucking common sense and logic when choosing what to believe
  7. thou shalt not kiss the LORD's ass, for the LORD doesn't want a bunch of
    brownnosers as followers
  8. thou shalt unplug thy butt and have a fucking sense of humour
  9. thou shalt not harm little children










Chapter 5: The Choosing Of A Priest




and the holy prophet sayeth unto the LORD "well those are some pretty cool rules,
but
can I get somebody to help me spread this righteousness? I know just the guy for the job"

and the LORD knew that Pieter spoke the truth, and the LORD sayeth "very well,
you may
choose a high priest, and that high priest may write his own chapter in the holy
book of righteousness"

and then the LORD sayeth "and thou mayest also write thy own chapter, and I will divinely inspire you when you write it"

and Pieter sayeth unto the LORD "awesome! this is gonna be cool! thanks LORD"

and so Pieter besieged his holy keyboard, and typeth the book of Pieter,
and
the LORD saw that it was good

and then the holy prophet chose his high priest, and the LORD saw that he was good

and the high priest vigorously typeth the book of Saggi, and the LORD saw that it was good.

and behold, the LORD was happy









Chapter 6: The Book of Saggi




and the honest man saggi was going about his own business happily when the

spirit of the LORD appeared before him as a housefly.

saggi promptly swatted the fly dead. "Fuck!" Saith the LORD
as He searched
for another vessel for his awareness.
And then the spirit of the LORD entered
an ant
and waved it's antennae at saggi in the way that saith "Greetings" in the language of ants.

For behold, such is the wisdom of the LORD that he knoweth the language of all creatures.

The humble but soon to be exalted saggi, however, would have none of that.
"No fucking ant is
infesting MY house."
and for the second time that day, saggi killed the vessel of the LORD's
awareness.



and the LORD was sore pissed at his chosen high priest.
"That does it." saith the LORD.

and the LORD bade pieter, his chosen prophet, to include another commandment:

10: thou shalt not kill any insects, for they are the messengers of the LORD.



then he appeared to saggi as a holy flame right in the middle of saggi's home.
"Fire!" saggi did
scream, but the LORD said
"Fear not my son, for I am the LORD thy God. Bow down and pay obeisance,
for thou art to be exalted above the common man."

saggi had by now recovered his composure, and his cynicism did reassert itself.
"Really?
Hahaha, that's a good one.
And I'm Santa Claus. How do I know you're really the LORD?"



and the LORD saith, "Thou mayest know that I am the LORD for it says so in the Holy Book,
of
which a part shall be written by thee."



still suspicious, the stalwart saggi asked.
"And how do I know that the Holy Book is true then?"



"Thou shalt know it is true since I inspired it,
and verily shalt thou explain the proof of my
existence thus to any who may doubt."



"Oh..." saith saggi, "but isn't that circular logic?"



"Yes. Pretty cool, isn't it?" saith the LORD.



"Err, if you say so." saith the newly ordained high priest.



and so saggi vigorously typeth the word of the LORD, and the LORD was well pleased with his chosen priest.









Chapter 7: The LORD's Fun





and so it was that the LORD had set in place his prophet and his priest
to write down
his word. Mightily pleased with himself, the LORD went
for a break, occasionally amusing himself
by causing stars to go nova, creating black holes next to populated planets and other such acts

of Holy Mischief.



"Fuck, this is really fun!" saith the LORD. "I am not nearly as grieved over my
dinosaurs as I was earlier."
And so it was that the LORD fried a few more planets with his holy
might.
Yea, giggling like an excited child, he did even join black holes with wormholes so as to

further increase the level of entropy in the universe. Truly, the might of the LORD is wondrous.



"But wait!" Cried some few of the inhabitants of the planets the LORD was about to fry. "Why
are you doing this to us? Are you not the LORD? Do you not love us?"



the LORD coughed uncomfortably. "Sorry, it's err, part of the ineffable plan. Question not the
might of the LORD, ye mortals."



and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, which the LORD duly silenced with a supernova.









Chapter 8: Pieter




As the time passed, the prophet and high priest diligently drank lots of beer, watched porn, and occasionally even
wrote another chapter in the bible.

And the LORD, watching from, well, everywhere, observed that humanity was largely still really really stupid.

And so the LORD decided to make the ultimate sacrifice to
humanity to save them from their stupidity.


for the IPC so loved the world that he gave his one and only prophet his large horn,
so that whichever young maiden blows on the horn of holiness shall receive the gift of life.


And so the prophet used his horn of holiness wisely to bring new followers to the LORD,
and wherever he used it young maidens would cry out "OH GOD, I'm coming!".

And men would tremble from it's awesome presence, and realize their own inequity.

Such was the power of the horn of holiness, and the prophet who wielded it.









Chapter 9: The Serpents of Stupidity




And so it was on a fine tuesday morning that the Holy Prophet (blessed be his name) was awoken from his sleep at the early hour of 11am.


"Damnit, who the hell would wake me up this early?!"
and the Holy Prophet, not knowing what evils awaited him, nonchalantly opened the door to see who was there


"Greetings friend, we come to spread the truth of God"


"oh yeah? He didn't tell me he was sending anyone"


"why the LORD only reveals himself to those who believe in him"


"Don't be silly" sayeth the prophet, who was growing mighty suspicious "besides, why would you believe in him if he hasn't revealed himself in the first place?"


"Oh but the Lord has given us all we need in the holy scriptures"


"well that's true, but I haven't finished writing it so how would you know? oh wait ..."


and suddenly the prophet knew that these were followers of a false god, and the prophet's eyes were opened to the truth
yea, for underneath their outward appearance were the heads of snakes!

yea snakes who were luring him into a trap of incoherent babbling

and in vain the prophet called out to his LORD, and sayeth "LORD, Please deliver me from this evil"


and the lord sayeth "what?? I was just about to create a big black hole next to a populated planet! make it quick"


and the prophet sayeth "the serpents of stupidity hath besieged the home of your chosen prophet, oh LORD!"


and the LORD was furious. "Behold, the serpents of stupidity who have possessed these (admittedly hot) chicks shall be purged from their nubile bodies. My Horn shall infuse thee, and thou shalt impale them upon my Horn."


and the LORD's powerful Horn infused pieter, and pieter impaled the followers of the false god, purging the serpents from their voluptuous forms.

and hence, the followers of the false god were converted to the worship of the one true LORD and all was well again.










Chapter 10: Thou shalt not spam




And so it came to the prophet that he checked his mailbox, and it was filled with blasphemy. And the Prophet was really pissed



and he called upon the IPC to punish these barbaric spammers, and the IPC answered the prayer of his chosen prophet


"there shall be a hell reserved for the spammers," saith the LORD. "not one with brimstone and hellfire, nay, for the IPC is not that generous, but one where they shall be forced to delete spam from their mailbox for all eternity."



and the IPC sayeth unto Pieter, "thou shalt go forth with thy followers and destroy those who spammeth for they are truly the lowest of all scum"



And behold, there was a great rumbling in the heavens, a sign of the IPC's displeasure. "Desist!" The priest cried out. "Or thou shalt surely perish, for spammers are an abhomination in the eyes of the IPC, and should he perceive that ye all are unrepentant, then surely shall he strike ye down with holy fire from the heavens!"



And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and spammers girdling the earth were sore afeared, and they covered their eyes, for they dared not look. And they covered their mouths for they dared not speak. And they covered their arses, for they dared not crap, lest they aroused the righteous wrath of the terrible IPC.









Chapter 11: The Name Of The LORD




it came to pass that saggi was preaching to a multitude of the faithful, and a skeptic was among the crowd, and julia was her name.
saith julia, "how may we know the LORD? what does He look like? what is His name?"



and saggi replied, "truly, the LORD exists in all things and cannot be seen."



"but what is his form? what are his attributes? what is his name?" julia persisted.



"the LORD is a unicorn. and He is invisible. and He is pink. and his name is thus IPC" answered saggi.



"but that's not consistent," julia protested. "the acronym for invisible pink unicorn is IPU and not IPC."



"truly, the ways of the LORD are mysterious. doubt not, skeptic, for unbelievers will be punished by the great Horn of the IPC."



julia was about to protest, but the Horn of the LORD was suddenly within her, through the body of the high priest, whom the LORD had possessed. and julia cried out in the rapture of the moment, while the Horn of the LORD moved within her in unique and exciting ways until the final solution to all her doubts had been given unto her through the Horn of the priest.



and julia was enlightened.



here ends the lesson.






The Big Fuck's latest post is worth a read. It's a little similar to, though a lot longer than, something I wrote a while back. Great minds think alike, after all.

The Feisty Bitch recently posted something interesting. I agree that academics are often way too impressed with themselves sometimes.
 
Comments:
EH!!! HIGH PRIEST!!!!
HAHAHAHA!!!!!
>> R.E.S.T.E.C.P!!!

I hath thus fully fathomed and relished all essence in thy bible.

I shalth faithfully worship and grace upon the mighty horns of the LORD for they bringth me the ultimate englightenment.
 
Hahaha.

*bows*
 
This is some really hilarious stuff. *laughs uncontrollably*
 
Yes, I am the shit.
 
Either you have too much time on your hands or your just plain fuckin hilarious...Seriously, while reading this, I could even imagine the voice narrating it.."and it was good"...jesus,pun intended, you're just funny la
 
thank you, guys. vanity is definitely my favourite sin.
 
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.. sadly i found this on google and it's funny shit
 
Blasphemous, immoral, offensive, and reeked of sexual distaste. I loved every second. Really, Shakespeare only wished he could have come up with something like that. Most definitely a worthwile blog to read and and share with others. A fun and hilarious spin on the Book of Genesis! Just fuckin awesome!
 
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