The Big Fuck
yesterday attracted a comment (which I mentioned
) saying something about 15 minutes blah blah. The Big Fuck's reply was something to the effect of "it's not blogging popularity. it's the first step to TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION. get with the program." (In case you're wondering why I'm being so vague instead of cutting and pasting the original text, I'm currently in the office and hence without access to the internet. It stinks, but bear with me.) As all men know, I've been plotting my own conquest of the world since as far back as I can remember. Also, as you may have noticed, a few of my friends have their own plans to take over the world too. Examples of these potential Evil Overlords are the Evil Canadian and Sheena. The Evil Canadian and I originally thought that we were eventually going to have to kill each other, but we eventually came to the agreement
that he would rule the western hemisphere with an iron fist, while I would be the tyrannical god-king of the east. This is just as well, since I am loath to destroy the Evil Canadian, because despite his numerous deeply entrenched character flaws (there are too many to enumerate), he is still one fucking funny sonofabitch and one of the few people who can match my intelligence and cruelty (I've met two or three so far, and no, Sheena, you're not one of them).
Now, it seems, the Big Fuck also wishes to take over the world and again, I am reluctant to destroy him, because truly funny fuckers like him are rare. After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that even Evil Overlords deserve a break from the tedium of torturing their fearful subjects once in a while, and thus I have generously decided that I shall not rule the world alone. Instead, I shall share the mission of subjugating the rest of you headcounts with like-minded individuals. It is with this in mind that I have decided to form the blogosphere's first world domination cabal. To that end, I have decided to group my blog links under two sub-headings. The good old "Other blogs (that are not quite as good as mine)" (because let's face it, no blog is as good as mine is) shall remain. The new one shall be "Links for Eventual World Domination", or L.E.W.D..
Some Reassurance For Headcounts
Since it is imperative for any aspiring Evil Overlord to conceal his motives until events have progressed to such a point where opposition to his regime is no longer possible, the official party line to you headcounts shall be that L.E.W.D. contains the links to blogs or sites that I find entertaining and have marked for blogosphere stardom (or which are already famous), while the other category contains blogs that either belong to my unsuspecting "friends" (because they are actually merely future minions) or that I enjoy reading but don't think have what it takes to become famous. Of course, usually the blogs I enjoy reading tend to become famous. Anyway, if you're not listed in L.E.W.D., don't take it personally. It doesn't really mean anything other than that I think your blog sucks. Having these groupings will also serve as a gauge for how much of a Midas I really am. So if you, the humble reader, should happen to be looking for something to read, you should check out the links under L.E.W.D., while if you wish to know about what's going on in the lives of my friends (I have no idea why you would wish to do that, but whatever), check out OBTANQASGAM. My, that sure is a mouthful.
Lastly, L.E.W.D. has a higher priority than the other category. In other words, if I decide to link you, you will only be linked in OBTANQASGAM if you fail the criteria for L.E.W.D.. Fret not, however, because you may be upgraded if you improve, although it is highly doubtful that event should ever occur, seeing as how you're a bunch of fucking wankers. Also, to qualify for L.E.W.D., you have to update frequently, unless there are extenuating circumstances like examinations or some shit like that. Either that, or you have to be some fucking blogging icon like Adri
, who manages to come up with interesting stuff, like, every other post.
If your blog sucks and you still wish to be in L.E.W.D., beg me for it, you dog. Yes, let me see you sit up and beg, with your paws in front of your chest, you pathetic animal, you.
Ok, I'm more or less kidding here. I don't really think your blogs suck lah (well, mostly not). Now, buzz off, ok?
Now that I've reassured the cannon fodder, we can progress to the serious business. If our cabal is to succeed, it is going to need clearly defined objectives and goals. So here are the goals of our new blogging Illuminati.
- Write really, really, ridiculously kickass blogs.
- Related to (1), garner a large reader base. We need them to be human meat shields in the event that something goes wrong and violence ensues.
- Frikkin' ninjas with frikkin' laserbeams attached to them to do our bidding, man. 'Nuff said.
- Have really wild parties, with jugs overflowing with alcohol and shit. What's the point of taking over the world if we don't enjoy ourselves?
- Perfect your evil laughter, like so. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
- Related to (2), shamelessly whore ourselves in any way possible for fame.
- Eventually build a secret lair inside some volcano on a tropical island, patrolled by frikkin' ninjas with frikkin' laserbeams attached to them.
- What else? Take over the world!
have created a badge for you all to put on your sites to tell people that you're a proud member of L.E.W.D.. Put it on your sites. Or not. Whatever.
FAQ (or rather, questions I think may be asked frequently, but the acronym's too bloody long)
Q: What if I do not want to be in L.E.W.D.?
A: Why the fuck would you wish to decline this singularly distinguishing honour? You're insane. I don't care, if I put you in L.E.W.D., you're in, baby, and the only way to get out is to commit blogicide.
Q: Are there any benefits to being in L.E.W.D.?
A: Yes, you're probably going to become famous.
Q: What if I wish to put up the L.E.W.D. badge but I'm not listed under L.E.W.D.?
A: You're free to do that, of course, and if you do wish to be listed, drop me a line and I'll consider it. If your site sucks, you may have to beg
. If you put up the L.E.W.D. badge without being listed, it means you're a proud minion of our cabal. If you're cool with being a minion, that's fine. Hey, never to early to enlist on the winning side, right?
Badge of Lewdness
To put the Badge of Lewdness on your site, simply copy and paste the text below.
|<a href="http://donaq.blogspot.com/2005/04/lewd-manifesto.html"><img src="http://trashb.in/img/lewdlogo.jpg" border="0" alt="LEWD" /></a>|
I realise that the words at the bottom are a bit blurred, but they say "Blogging Cabal For World Domination". I'll make them clearer and put the image at the same link if I ever get round to it.
I note, with pleasure, that the Big Fuck
has designed a less garish version of the Badge of Lewdness
. The Big Fuck's version is small and elegant, suitable for both sexes and aspiring Evil Overlords of all ages and ethnicities. Props to you, dude, for being such an extremely cool fucker. You get an Adrian Coolness Point for it. Here is the miniature Badge of Lewdness, presented in all its glory.
To link, copy and paste the below text.
|<a href="http://donaq.blogspot.com/2005/04/lewd-manifesto.html"><img src="http://trashb.in/img/lewdsmall.png" border="0" alt="LEWD" /></a>|
Also, by the special request of the delectable Celly
, I have created a version of the Badge of Lewdness that may perhaps be more suitable for Evil Overladies, as shown below.
Along with the text you need to link it.
|<a href="http://donaq.blogspot.com/2005/04/lewd-manifesto.html"><img src="http://trashb.in/img/lewdlogo2.jpg" border="0" alt="LEWD" /></a>|
So there you go, people.
Here's more reassurance for the cannon fodder. This is all just a big joke. There are no plans for world domination. Your blogs don't suck. I'm obviously just pulling all this shit out of my ass. L.E.W.D. is merely a list of blogs that I think are funny and that may become popular. It means nothing, just like Adrian Coolness Points (ACP) mean nothing. The earth is flat
the cool link of the day, or week, in all likelihood.
Also, if you think L.E.W.D. is a pretty cool acronym, get a load of this. Adri was the founder of PETA (P
eople for the E
ating of T
Lastly, I would like to credit Steven Berkoff
, for unknowingly lending me his face for the L.E.W.D. logo. If you happen to be Steven Berkoff (unlikely) and are offended, inform me and I will change it to another evil-looking bugger.