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Friday, September 08, 2006
MLMs revisited

But first, some evangelism.

Do you want to be cool?!

No, really, do you want to be REALLY COOL?!

If so, then convert to the worship of Me right now! Cute guys call Me God. Hot chicks call Me God. So if you want to be cool, worship Me!

Miracles sold separately.

Recently, I visited a forum that I used to frequent. There was a thread that went something like "How's everybody doing?", and inside this thread, someone posted that he was now doing MLMs. Now, as anyone who has been reading I Rock, You Suck for more than a year knows, I hate MLMers. However, contrary to what I said in my previous post, I now think that MLMers are scum of only the second worst kind. They now rank slightly above spammers in my mental horizon, because they now bother me less than spammers do.

Yes, I still claim to be infallible. I was right then, and I am still right now, even if I am contradicting myself. If you object because it is illogical, then allow me to reassure you that if logic disagrees with me, logic is wrong. So there.

Anyway, so this guy was actually telling everybody that he was in an MLM! Now, that is just plain wrong. MLMs suck, but if you want to do it, there's a wrong way and a wronger way. I really hate MLMs, but if you must, then here are some tips.

Super Gan Pua No Horse Run Tips (That Kick Ass) On How To Be A Good MLM Salesman (KNNBCCB)

  1. Lose all sense of decency, dignity and honesty. Remember, you're now scum of the second worst kind. In terms of vocational integrity, you rank slightly above spammers and slightly below terrorists. You rank way below genital fungal infections, so kiss pride and integrity goodbye.

  2. Remember that your kind are almost universally hated, so never tell anyone who you really are or what you really do until you have them safely in your lair and are ready to make them One Of You. You're like a fucking vampire now, only way less cool.

  3. Have lots of rich friends and relatives. MLM products are usually grossly overpriced in order to support a massively parasitic business model, so your customers have to be rich and either stupid or blindly in love with you, which comes to the same thing, really.

  4. In conjunction with points (1) and (3), bug your friends and relatives incessantly to buy your crappy products. Have no sense of shame. Draw on ties and past favours, real or imagined, to coerce them into committing that big mistake. If they're really, really stupid, drag them into the MLM as well so you will have some company when you're burning in Hell.

  5. Tell everyone who asks you what you do for a living that you're in "business" for yourself, when you're really in cahoots with the Devil and a salesman of the worst kind.

  6. Tell everyone who goes to your lair how much you respect your upline and how much your upline has done for you, when really all s/he has done is condemn you to a fiery eternity of torment. Also, stage "random meetings" with your upline while you're talking to a potential mark, where your upline drives past in a flashy car so your mark can see how great your upline is. The car does not need to be his.

  7. Always pretend to be rolling in money, so that people will want to be just like you and you can easily trick them into a fate worse than death.

  8. Remember that you are now more scary than all other forms of salesmen, and use that fact to your advantage. When some insurance wag approaches you in public to buy his crummy policy, you counter-bug him to buy your stupid magnetic mattress. Laugh when you see how fast he runs away, screaming bloody murder, then break down in tears of self-loathing as you realise how low you've sunk.

  9. Lastly, stay the fuck away from me, you motherfucking piece of shit.
Simply Brilliant! You write extraordinarily well.

I have been accosted by such turds in the past, most recently a cousin of mine (IIT/IIM nevertheless!) who called me long distance from Los Angeles to discuss an idea of great importance. Always on the look out for easy money, I pencilled him on a rather busy day, only to be asked questions such as 'Are you satisfied with the way you're life is heading', 'Where do you see yourself 10 yrs from now' and even 'What to you constitutes happiness'. I was like WTF, but I played along (money, remember), but in the end when he said Amway, I cut him off from my family tree.

To rub it in, I've forwarded your list of Super Gan Pua No Horse Run Tips (That Kick Ass) On How To Be A Good MLM Salesman (KNNBCCB)to him so he can see for himself how low he's sunk.

Gee, thanks! :)
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