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Friday, May 06, 2005
The Man Without Fingerprints

Woh, I was tomorrow-ed. When I saw the comments I received, some responses came to mind.

First, I thought of ignoring them and concentrating on being silly, like this. "Woohoo! I'm famous! FUCKIN' A!!!"

Secondly, I thought of telling all those who posted negative comments to fuck off and die, like this. "Fuck off and die."

Thirdly, I thought of explaining myself, like this. "It is my considered opinion you should all fuck off and die."

However, I've decided that I shall attempt to actually address the comments, though having to do so is really quite distasteful to me, but needs must. I have no desire to be the subject of a witch hunt just because I was misunderstood by a couple of pricks. I shall, however, do it tomorrow, because I just came back from a drinking session, and quite frankly, this is not important enough for me to lose sleep over. So in the meantime, here's the entry I wrote at work today, and keep the hate pumping, please. It's very gratifying.

P.S. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I saw that this got 116 comments, goddammit! Anyway, it's good, so go check it out. Like I said, some people are just anal.
P.P.S. The Big Fuck has a fuckin hilarious entry about making silly faces. Go check it out too.

There will be a Zouk outing next Wednesday. People who will most likely turn up are Feisty Bitch, Sheena, Nethia, Ivan and myself, of course. Once again, any of you who desires to meet up and also happens to be a hot chick can shoot me an email asking for my number. Others among you can ask me for my number too, but due to the fact that I am so incredibly awesome and cool, I may not reply. If I do not reply to you, don't take it personally, it just means that you're a skid mark on the underpants of humanity. Of course, if you claim to be a hot chick, sending me a few nude pictures of yourself would definitely up your chances of getting a reply. Failing that, I suppose I could settle for ordinary pictures, heheheh. As usual, winners of Adrian Coolness Points and LEWD members are guaranteed a reply, although I suspect all those in Singapore already have my number. I have no idea whether her tushees is going, but I bet my email will get flooded if she lets it be known that she's going. Anyway, drop me a line if you want to join us, yeah? There will be music, hot chicks (probably, there are always a lot of hot chicks there whom I don't know) and alcohol, and everybody loves those, right?

Of course you do.

My fingernails are getting longer, goddammit. I hate having to cut them, because I'm fucking lazy, but I hate them preventing me from typing properly too. What the fuck are nails for anyway? It's not like we still use them for anything, other than occasionally opening a can or something. One would have thought humans would have grown out of having nails by now. Someday, I'll have my nails surgically removed. While I'm at it, I could have my fingerprints removed as well. Man, that would be awesome. No one would be able to track me down if I committed any crimes, and it would totally rock to not have prints when I eventually become the ruler of the world.

Here are some crimes I would commit if I didn't have fingerprints.

  1. Kill spammers. Slowly and with blunt spoons. Spammers are scum of the second worst kind and do not deserve any mercy whatsoever.

  2. Kill telemarketers. Seriously, I hate seeing a number I don't recognise on my mobile and thinking it's some hot chick I'd lost contact with and then realising after I take the call that it's some dumbass trying to get me to sign up for a credit card. I mean, come the fuck on, I'm still a fucking student, hello?

  3. Kill MLM-ers. I think the reasons should be pretty obvious. MLM-ers are scum of the worst kind, even worse than spammers, and they should all be rounded up and put in a giant meat-grinder. And the blades of the grinder should be blunt spoons.

  4. Kill religious nuts. Seriously, if you love God so much and you're not convinced that it's Me, go meet him now. After all, life's all about the afterlife.

  5. Kill idiots. I think it would be good for the gene pool if all stupid people were dead, wouldn't you agree?

  6. Kill Fiona Xie. She has the most irritating fake accent ever, coupled with an equally irritating voice. And come on, isn't she cock-eyed? Plus she's a pretentious bitch who writes with a thesaurus beside her keyboard at all times. If you don't believe me, go seek out her blog. I'm not linking it because I hate the thought of giving her traffic and besides, I'm not sure it's still up and I can't be bothered to find out. Anyway, the way she writes causes me to think that she sometimes doesn't know the meanings of the words she's using. Also, she allegedly (by an undisclosed and unreliable source who once corresponded with her) used to pretend she's lesbian. If there's one thing I despise, it's pretend-gays. I think pretend-gays should pretend-dead. Permanently.

  7. Kill people who threaten to sue bloggers. I mean, come the fuck on, why sue bloggers?

  8. Kill people who write shitty blogs. Shitty bloggers who write shitty blogs should be drowned or buried alive in shitty shit.

  9. Kill Bill. Because Uma Thurman did and she's so fucking hot, and also because I think the world has had enough of sucky software from MicroSuck, Suckmond.

  10. Kill everyone affiliated with the MPAA or the RIAA. Any businessman who sues his own customers belongs in category (5) and hence deserves to die.

  11. Kill boybands. Especially Asian ones like F4 and 5566. They can't sing, they can't dance, they can't act and they look like a bunch of chimp chumps. Seriously, if there's one thing i despise more than pretend-gays, it's boybands. I mean, they aren't even fucking bands, for fuck's sake. They're just boys.

  12. Kill Britney Spears. She sounds like a duck and her neck is too fucking thick.

  13. Kill Paris Hilton. Because I don't like her.

Yeah, I think the whole world would be a lot better off if I had no fingerprints.

Disclaimer: Although I do think the world would be better off without you people, I am extremely apathetic about everything by nature and hence could not be bothered to kill your dumbasses even if I had my fingerprints removed, so if you want to sue me, I'll be fishing or staring blankly at the walls of my bedroom. Whatever.
Help me kill Hello too. They don't let me upload pictures and I had to resort to other unstable means. Which means I can't help to propagate L.E.W.D as smoothly as I want. Argh!
addllo.. midn my slousy spellign noww cozz ia sm so drunkk. nbbutt. i waasnna tell uu i waanna go mambooo tnext weeekk... plss teeell me aagaain.. i tolf u b4 ritghhe.11 may iffss it??
yeahhd?? mamabo rtughe up.. straightt upppppppp..mm,s o i se rya guysss dsssooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
asrrooorrr ia a mm a lewddd memeber.. sosooo i cadnn goooo......................................................So wwwwhoo iss comingfg to see me maek a vbfllooody foooll odddfff maeself????
Yay! Celle is going! Yay!

Ha, look what I've done. One submission to Tomorrow.sg and the shit gets stirred up again. Sometimes I'm so good at creating mayhem.
You would have to kill me then, if you had no fingerprints. But can you figure out which category I fall into? (hint: I'm not paris hilton)
Haha...every time I make lists like this, I realize that I am about to kill half of humanity. Then I realize that I'm really silly too. Haha...I see I really did get donaq-ed and tomorrrow-ed. I knew posting silly faces would work. It always does. Damn it, the whole blogosphere is going infantile.

As for yellowpony, I'm guessing telemarketer?
oh yes, also, i have never heard 5566, but i'm a big fan of a band called 7188. GO!GO! 7188, that is. I don't know why, but I just wanted to say that.
im agreeable with most of the shitlist. wait. what the fuck'm i saying. christ, this is a fucking good list dammit!
Feisty Bitch: Sure babe. Just pay for my fingerprint removal operation.

Celle: Uh, I'll just take it that you're going. Drop me a line on wednesday, babe.

Ivan: You really hai ren.

Jess: You're Britney Spears??!!

Big Fuck: Dude, that post was seriously hilarious. And wtf is 7188?

wongcheok: Haha, glad you approve, dude.
Even worse than Britney spears...I work as a telemarketer while I'm going to school.
But don't worry, I use a sexy phone voice, and I'm actually a tele"fundraiser".
Jess: No worries. You'll notice that I did mention why I was pissed at telemarketers. It's because I'm disappointed that they're not hot chicks. Since you are a hot chick, it's all good!
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To Those Who Wish To Link Me:

Due to the fact that my ego is a humongous, bloated monstrousity, it is not highly unlikely that I wouldn't say no to your linking my blog, so there is no need to ask me.

Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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