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Sunday, May 01, 2005
A Pubbing Non-Story And The Misadventures Of Mr Toe

I realise I promised to blog about my pubbing adventures, but seriously, the night was so crazy that no words could do it justice. Hence, I shall only say a little bit.

There was one mega-babe along, a perfect female buddy in almost every fucking aspect. She games, looks hella hot, smokes, sings well, dances like a devil, and, damn it all, she bought the rest of us cigarettes. I didn't know people like that existed. Oh, and she speaks many languages. Seriously.

There was a LOT of beer. We went to this KTV pub on Princep Street called the Plasma English Bar (or was it Pub) or something. Go check it out. The boss even gave us a few jugs on the house because seriously, we are the fucking life of the fucking party. We got so high on alcohol, the boss asked us to dance on the frikkin bar stools and we did. I almost fucking fell to my death doing that shit, until Injenue came to steady it for me. The lady boss allegedly had a quickie with Injenue too, but he came too fast, according to her. Anyway, go there, people. The natives are fucking friendly (hey, you can't get much friendlier than free beer, fuckers). I remember like 3 or 4 of us nodding off at the end of the night. Pussies. Injenue was almost there, but not quite. Icebreeze was hanging tough, just like me. The sprout's a good drinker, I'll give him that.

Man, that's the life. You guys realise, of course, that you may not get free beer because you're not as cool as my friends and I are. (By the way, Ivan, we were ALL engineers there, and we're so cool we got free beer. Ever gotten free beer from the frikkin owner of the establishment before? Kiss my ass, MUAHAHAHAHA.) However, since most KTV pubs in Singapore tend to have a serious lack of English songs, you can still try that place. It has EVERY English song from damned near every genre with vocals you can think of, and I'm not just saying this because of the free beer. Seriously, go check it out.

Oh, and there were frikkin ninjas with frikkin laserbeams attached to them jumping all over the place.

But before we went to Plasma English, (or was it English Plasma?) we were at some wine place at Dempsey Road. This friend of mine, MrToe, whose roommate is Bujingyun (Bu for short) was relating an incident that happened in his hostel. They requested that I feature it on my blog, and since I am such an awesomely nice guy, I shall do it, even though it's really one of those "you had to have been there" jokes.

As you Singaporeans know, it has been fucking hot for the last coupla days. Bu was relating how it was even hotter at their hostel. So, MrToe had a stroke of brilliance, though it may actually just have been a stroke.

What he thought was, why don't we make a bleeding big block of ice and put it in front of the frikkin fan? That way, the fan will be blowing cool air all around the room and everybody will be happy.

Only it didn't turn out quite as expected. They got water all over the frikkin floor,

Their refrigerator started dripping water from then on, and Bu was pissed off.

Also, the water short-circuited the entire block, which had to endure without electricity for the entire frikkin night.

Hall without lights --->

The End

I realise I took a lot of creative license with the story, Toe, and it's only because I was totally not listening to the story, being preoccupied with surreptitiously checking out the hot chick, but I hope you liked it anyway, heheh.

In case the rest of you were stupid enough to be wondering, no, MrToe does not, in fact, look like a gigantic toe with arms and legs. He's actually rather good-looking and he's pretty smart, too, though of course neither as goodlooking nor as smart as yours truly, but then who is?

Lastly, you might find this funny if you're a geek.

God as a Computer Programmer

Some Important Theological Questions are Answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer.

Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to find out what goes on in the overnight job.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase.

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but personally, God doubts that it will ever be implemented.

Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.

Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and imaginative ways to mess up the system when God has made it idiot-proof.

Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.

Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching backup files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you, God will just say that the tape has been lost.

Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in the present release version.

Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then the users and managers demanded he tack senseless features onto it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.

Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a question.

Abort, Retry, Fail?

This one should bring a smile or two if you have not seen it before.

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said...

God: Let there be light!
Computer: Enter user id.
God: God
Computer: Enter password.
God: Omniscient
Computer: Password incorrect. Try again.
God: Omnipotent
Computer: Password incorrect. Try again.
God: Technocrat
Computer: And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
God: Let there be light!
Computer: Unrecognizable command. Try again.

The rest at http://www.freebsd.at/metadot/index.pl?iid=2297
ur mega babe sounds.. umpph...godsent i wan make fren!!! she likes girls?? *fingers crossed*
KnightofPentacles: Haha, thanks man, that's funny. Here's some more, although you may have seen it too.

Celle: Heheh, unfortunately I didn't really talk to her much (my friend was shall we say, very interested, and I avoid misunderstandings with my friends like the plague), but I'll ask if you want, heheh.
lol! draw more stupid paint drawings.. they're cute.
Yes, paint drawings rock my socks.
Giving free cigs at this day and age?? You sure you wasn't drunk?
kitten: Ha, ok I shall endeavour to do so.

Big Fuck: Thanks dude.

Metalfyre: I kid you not. Hot babe bought the rest of us blokes cigarettes, bar owner gave us beer on the frikkin house. And no, I wasn't drunk. Just a teeny weeny bit high. I seldom get drunk on beer lah.
You left out the frikkin ninjas with frikkin laserbeams attached to them in your story, y'know...
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Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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