Why I Did Not Post Yesterday. Honest.
In case you guys were wondering why I did not post anything on Monday, I have officially burnt out. The MrToe story was the last idea I will ever have. There is nothing more to read here. It has been fun writing this blog, but it's over. You may all move on with your lives and start to actually be productive instead of spending all your time reading blogs. Well, you could read other blogs, of course, but come now, what other blog could satisfy you after you've read mine? You poor buggers. I've ruined you for other blogs, haven't I? Oh, well, at least now you know what a blog should really be like, and have acquired at least a bit of taste. Have fun with the rest of your lives, people.
I was just kidding, of course. My creativity is a spring, a fucking fountain from which ideas flow endlessly like cool, sparkling water on a fucking hot, summer day.
Now, the real reason why I didn't post anything yesterday was because I played basketball yesterday morning after like, twenty million gadzillion years of not playing basketball and my whole body felt like one huge fucking bruise. There wasn't much I could do for the rest of the day except moan sexily while lying in my bed, cuddled with my stuffed bear. Naturally, I was just yanking your chains again. In the first place, even if I haven't played basketball in years, I am a perfect being and hence beyond such petty earthly troubles as muscle atrophy due to lack of exercise. I still kicked ass and made more baskets than Jordan in his prime, on steroids, would have against a bunch of 12-year-olds. In the second place, a randy savage (macho man, a joke for you rednecks who are actually dumb enough to fucking watch wrestling) such as myself would never keep stuffed animals, much less name them and talk to them. No, I definitely do not keep stuffed toys and even if I did, I would not name them nor talk to them, no fucking way. One thing was true, though, which is that I moan very sexily. I fucking ooze sex appeal, all the fucking time. You could install a spycam inside my fucking toilet and peep at me taking a dump and you'd be thinking, "hot damn, that guy makes me want to fuck him".
reason I did not post anything yesterday was that after kicking ass at basketball yesterday, I was so fucking high on adrenaline that I went on to kick the entire S-League's asses (including reserves) at soccer on my own, nevermind that soccer is usually played by only 22 people. Following that, I gatecrashed the International Underground Total Fighting Championship Tournament and singlehandedly beat the shit out of every fucking competitor there with one fucking hand tied behind my back. Then, I swallowed Mike Tyson whole for dessert. After buttering him thoroughly first, of course, I'm not a barbarian. After that, I hopped over to Iraq, and I do mean literally hopped, because like the Big Fuck
, I am thousands of feet tall
. Anyway, I hopped over to Iraq and found the Invisible Pink WMDs that the real
Saddam Hussein (betcha didn't know that they caught an imposter, did you?) was hiding in deep, underground bunkers beneath the earth's crust. Yes, besides kicking ass at all sports and being thousands of feet tall, I am also sensitive to radioactive isotopes. Also, I can burrow like a mole (if a mole is thousands of feet tall). Anyway, I destroyed all the nukes by pissing on them before detonating them, because my piss has nuclear reaction-damping properties.
After that, I had to hunt Saddam down, because he had fled upon hearing that I was coming to Iraq, but of course he did not get far. I stamped on him with a foot that could have crushed skyscrapers, and hey, goodbye Saddam, hello bloody pulp.
After that, I received a medal and keys to the city of Washington or something from Bush for saving the fucking world, but I was like, whatever, dude, because I don't like Republicans, or Democrats, for that matter. Like I said, whatever.
And that's the honest truth about why I didn't post an entry yesterday, guys.
So, anyway, the Feisty Bitch
wrote a rather weirdly entertaining entry
the other day which I've been meaning to plug but forgot to. Go check it
Update: There is a sequel
. And also an equally awesome entry
after that. Hot damn, she's on a roll!