Wedding speeches
Yesterday, I attended a friend's wedding dinner. You know how at one point in most weddings, the bride and groom get to say something to all their guests? Usually, they say something mushy, like "I'm so lucky to have her" and all that shite. Well, I got to thinking about what I would say in the unlikely event that some devious witch actually manages to trap me. One can never be too prepared, you know? So here's what I came up with.

1) She's really lucky to have me. Man, I wish I was as lucky as her.

2) When I met this girl, I thought she must have been the most beautiful girl in the world. This has taught me something. Never pick up chicks when you're drunk.

3) Man, that fake pregnancy sure worked for her, eh?

And of course, this is the most likely.

4) When my wife first told me that she was pregnant and I answered, "So what you gon' do? Is it even mine?" She could not have made me happier than when she answered, "I'm gon' have this baby whether you like it or not and you gon' have to look after us both, motherfucker."

This reminds me. I have got to get a vasectomy.  ¶
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