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Monday, March 22, 2004
Let's all greet people by kicking them in the balls.

It just occurred to me that people are weird. What is it that is so sacred about the human body that makes it a forbidden subject for discussion? We kill people or watch them being killed on the news without turning a hair, but mention your penis/vagina during a conversation and get expressions of shock and gasps of astonishment or stern looks of disapproval.

What is so surprising about me having a penis/vagina? Presumably you have one too and have had one since birth? I wonder if these people are surprised everyday when they encounter their genitals during a shower or when changing their clothes. I can just see them gasping and saying stupid stuff like "how can you just show yourself like that"?

And what is so disgusting about bringing up having difficulty with bowel movements and stuff like that? Again, mentioning that you had a particularly difficult shit today invariably draws responses like "you're so disgusting!" Since you find shitting so disgusting, try not doing it for a fortnight, motherfucker. I'm surprised that these excrutiatingly polite people don't kill themselves out of remorse after farting. I think people who are overly polite are really incorrigible hypocrites. They deny all their physical impulses as if they're above anything that exists in the material plane. Since they hate the material plane so much, why don't they just leave?

If they did that, the rest of us could enjoy shitting, burping, farting and fucking in peace. Imagine how cool it would be if all you had to do when you wanted to fart during dinner was to holler "Bombs away!", lean to one side and let 'er rip. And after that everyone would open their mouths, suck in your gases, roll it around inside for a while to fully savour the bouquet and finally spit it out. Then they would grade your fart, holding up cards with scores written on them like the judges do during a gymnastics contest. After that, everyone would continue eating like nothing had happened. Unless, of course, your fart was the product of ten days' worth of constipation, in which case everyone would gather around you to slap your back and compliment you for ripping off a good one.

Also, imagine how cool it would be if you could just go up to someone you fancied and ask them if they'd care to fuck. No hypocrisy, no cheesy pickup lines, no awkward getting to know you phases. Just straight to the important things. If the other person doesn't find you attractive, they would just have to say "no". End of story. Cuts through all the bullshit. Ah yes, humble reader. I hear you asking "but what about love"? Well, what about it?
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The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
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Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
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Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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