Birthdays are not worth celebrating
What the fuck is up with birthdays nowadays? Why can't people just celebrate their birthdays quietly? What's with all the fucking water bombs and sabotaging? I wouldn't mind so much if they were quiet about it, but no, they have to scream and laugh loudly, running around pushing each other like a bunch of fucking 9 year old kids. What the fuck is up with that? So it's your/your friend's birthday. Get over it already. Nobody fucking cares. Why celebrate birthdays anyway? It's only one year closer to your death, for chrissake. You might as well celebrate car accidents or hold funeral parties. Actually, that would be kind of cool, wouldn't it?

"Hey, Ben died last night."

"All right! Where will the funeral be held? Can I bring my girlfriend? We could get totally smashed."

There'd be people dancing with the corpse and everything. Dumbasses. People are really stupid. I hate men. With the exception of myself and my friends, men are the most ridiculous creatures ever to walk the earth. Every man is just two steps away from complete idiocy.

Just now, some idiots were celebrating a birthday a few floors down. Noisily. I was pissed, so I went downstairs with a machete and crashed their party by gutting the birthday boy like a fish. At first, they looked dumbfounded, but they started screaming and running when i kicked his limp body off my machete and licked the blood off. Of course, all the noise just irritated me even more and so I chased them, dismembering a few more of them. They were really stupid. There was only one of me and many of them. If they'd just turned around and fought in the first place, they'd have kicked my ass, but then they ran off and even separated from each other.

For some strange reason, I just walked slowly after them and I could catch up with them even though they were running from me. So I stalked this girl and she stupidly ran into the woods. Why the hell did she do that? Was it because she thought the trees would hide her or something? Anyway, I cornered her after a while and slowly cut her to pieces. Not before the branches of the trees had nearly stripped her naked (as they always seem to do) of course. Of course I did not violate her, what kind of sicko do you think I am? I merely wanted to kill people who threw noisy parties.

So anyway, I hunted them down one by one, and it was only when there were only two or three guys left alive that they finally decided to fight me. Again, for some strange reason, all the previous prowess I had exhibited when I had been dealing with an entire horde of teenagers deserted me when I was finally faced with only two or three. They made ingenious use of their surroundings to batter at me, but I was resilient to an almost superhuman degree. Well, I guess getting impaled would have killed most people, but I could somehow keep moving and going after them. Most serial killers who were even slightly human would have tried to escape after having been impaled, engulfed in flame or had a limb hacked off, but I'm way more dedicated to my craft than that. No, I did not flee just because my head got bashed by a tree trunk or just because there was a spear sticking out of my body, even though that hurts like hell. Neither will I quit going after my victims just because I was scalded and charred beyond all recognition because how wimpy is that? I kept after these three kids and finally got drowned in a lake or decapitated or something.

I will come back, though. I always do. Whenever kids get noisy at parties or something, I will come back to slice and dice and dismember young girls and kill the cops who get in my way (even though they always shoot me a bunch of times). Because people having birthday parties are irritating.  ¶
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