Life and death... musings of a prodigy
What happens after you die? I mean, what happens in the world of the living? I don't believe in the afterlife, so I don't care about it. Life should be for the living. I think you should live life as if there is no afterlife because doing otherwise just fucks the world of the living up. I mean, the only reason why there are suicide bombers is that they believe in some kind of paradise where they will go to and be rewarded for their actions after they die. I don't believe that there would be many suicide bombers willing to sacrifice themselves for their people/country if they didn't believe that some part of them lives on after death. If it's proven that there's no afterlife, I think the world would be a much better place. Many more people would follow the Golden Rule, for one thing, because it doesn't make sense to be nasty to other people if you know that they might be nasty to you in return sometime in the future. Then again, perhaps I credit people with too much intelligence. A belief in an unproven afterlife is illogical all by itself anyway, but many people still believe in one. Oh well, I digress.
A very long time ago, when I was just a little boyo, I was sitting around while my mother was cooking and I started to imagine what it would be like to be dead. I tried to imagine what it would be like to have my sense of self dissolve completely, to experience complete oblivion. Think of it. To feel nothing because there's no you to feel. To not be you. To not be anything. To not be. And suddenly, I managed it (yes, I was precocious) and I started to cry. Needless to say, my dear old mum tried to comfort me and asked me what was wrong. I told her, but I think that she did not understand. As adults are wont to do, she tried to soothe my fears by telling me that there was nothing to be afraid of, that death was just like sleeping, but even at that tender age, I knew that it was not so. Sleep is very much different from complete oblivion. Seeing how much I'd upset my mother, however, I composed myself and stopped crying. I pretended that the dark moment had gone away. Those of you who have read Anne Rice's "The Vampire Lestat" and understood it will recall that she wrote of a similar experience that Lestat had, and what Lestat said about it.
It never did go away, really.So I was afraid and I looked for all sorts of proof that some part of me will live on after my death. I had come from a Buddhist background but it happened to be the utilitarian Chinese version of Buddhism, which incorporated fragments of traditional Chinese ancestral worship and Taoism. I saw no reason to believe that my ancestors were still hanging around watching me. They certainly haven't helped me much in life, nor have they ever responded to my attempts to reach them. I felt fairly certain that the early Taoists didn't believe in life after death either, or, at least if they did, they didn't believe that it was all peaches and roses, else they would not have tried so hard to search for or create the elixir of immortality. I rejected all these beliefs and searched for my answers in the original teachings of Buddha. I was about 13 at the time and already I was anxious that my youth (and life) was fading fast. Anyway, after trying my best to separate the bullshit mythology added on by lesser mortals from the true underlying philosophy of Buddhism, I came to the (perhaps irreverent) conclusion that Sukyamuni was, in fact, an atheist.
Allow me to summarise my understanding of Buddhism and thus elaborate on the reasons for my peculiar belief. In a nutshell, Buddhism states that life is a cycle of suffering. Being born was a major pain in the ass, getting sick is a major pain in the ass, growing old will be a major pain in the ass and dying will be the biggest pain (not just in the ass this time) of all. I believe that Buddha came to the conclusion that there is no afterlife and that the religion of the day (Hinduism) was a sham. Furthermore, the society from which he originated was rigidly divided into castes and there was no way for a peasant to better their lot in life. Hinduism, with its belief in reincarnation, had that covered, though. If you're good and do what a person in your caste is supposed to do, there is a chance that you'll move up in your next life and maybe eventually be reborn as one of the gods themselves. Buddha, I think, did not believe in that bullshit either. My belief is that he saw no reason to believe in the afterlife and thus everyone was doomed to having only this life. How tragic that must be, then, for those unfortunate enough to be born into the lower castes. They suffer all through their lives on this earth believing that they will do better in the next life, and then they are gone. Forever.
Buddha himself was born as a prince, but he realised early in life that someday, he, too, must die. So he searched for an answer, trying out all the paths towards enlightenment that were available at the time before coming to the realisation that
it was all pure horse crap. He realised that this life was all anyone ever got, and he was cool with that. That, I believe, is the true meaning of Nirvana, being cool with dying. See, after achieving Nirvana, you supposedly break free of the cycle of reincarnation and suffering. How do I reconcile this core tenet of the Buddhist faith with my belief that Buddha was an atheist? Simple. Buddha decided that no one would believe him (or, indeed, be comforted even if they believed) if he said that this life is the only one that anyone gets. So he incorporates the dogmas of the current day into the philosophy that he taught. His motive was simply that everyone should be nice to every other living thing, because life is all the more precious if there is no afterlife. The smart part is that he didn't tell any lies either. By stating that upon attaining Nirvana, one broke free of the cycle of rebirth, he was simply saying that when you attained enlightenment, you broke free of superstition and religion. You realised that when you die, that's it. No more rebirth or anything else. So by teaching what he taught, he got people to be nice to each other in
this life, which I believe was what mattered to him.
Why did I reject Buddhism, since I believed that its founder had realised the true nature of things? The first reason is that the concept of Nirvana was entirely too nihilistic for my taste. As you may recall, I was searching for proof that oblivion was not the only thing I had to look forward to eventually. The second reason was altogether more prosaic. I did not want to give up eating meat, because it just tastes good. I am certainly not as selfless as Buddha probably was. I only cared about my own suffering and those of the people I love. I cared about the suffering of the entire human race too, but to an altogether much lesser degree. I do not give a shit about the animals because plants are living things too. If you're going to become a vegetarian out of respect for all life, you might as well stop eating plants too. Why draw the arbitrary line at animals? I respect the sanctity of human life wherever possible because at least they belong to my species. That is not to say that I do not attach any value to the lives of other life forms. I just think that my life is much more important to me. Anyway, on with the story of my search for reassurance.
When I entered a missionary school, I thought I had found my answer. Here was what I had been looking for. Assurance that some part of me is immortal and would live on after my death. Something that millions of others believed in. What's more, all that was required to guarantee my passage to paradise was an act of faith. Surely it could not be that easy? Now, I am the sort of person who likes to find out everything I can about something that I plan to follow. Since I was planning to worship God, what better place to start looking for information than the Bible, on which all belief in Him was based? So I read the Bible from the beginning to the end. The more I read, the more I was filled with dismay at what I discovered. Here was a being who purported to be perfect, yet created humans for the express purpose of glorifying and worshipping him. Allow me to explain. As I understand it, the state of perfection implies completeness. Why would a perfect being ever create anything? If God was perfect before we came along, He did not need us. Why did he create us then? I do not feel like explaining why it is so, save to say that if you can't see the reason, you will in all probability never see it. Which is a good thing for you. Moving on, then. God is also omnipotent and omniscient, so he must always have known that after creating the universe as he did, Adam and Eve (and many, many other people) would sin. Being omnipotent, he certainly could have created the universe to be otherwise, yet he didn't. Then he proceeds to condemn us all for it. He destroyed whole cities because they sinned, when he created the universe such that they were bound to do so eventually. I began to see that for it to be true that God is omnipotent and omniscient, he must not have created us at all. There are tons of other contradictions in the Bible, but I shall not expound on them here, the reason being that other people have done it to death already. Suffice it to say that the more I read the Bible, the more I was convinced that what was written in it could not be true.
Mistake me not, humble readers. I do not seek to turn you from whatever paths you have chosen. I have been through that stage and no longer find any meaning to it. If it makes you happy and brings meaning to your life yet does not harm others, you're welcome to whatever deluded fantasies you harbour. For myself, I have always been one who wanted the truth, no matter what the consequences. So far, the only logical conclusion I can draw is still that this life is all we get. So I am always sad when someone I care about leaves this world for good, because I am almost completely certain that I will never see him or her ever again. I have resolved to enjoy this life as much as possible, as long as no harm is caused to those whom I love. So what happens after I die, apart from decomposition? If I have money left behind, I would wish it to go to those whom I have loved in life, that they may enjoy their lives more. Also, I would wish that all who attend my funeral will be happy and sing and dance at my wake, because life is too short and altogether too precious to waste by being unhappy. I would probably get some DJ to spin at my funeral. Yes, I think my funeral would kick major league ass. As Buddha himself might have said, enjoy this life, and try to help others enjoy it too.
