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Thursday, April 15, 2004
 
Hellboy kicks ass

I just watched Hellboy, and it kicked ass. I have friends who tell me that it blows. Well, you're all wrong. I'm right. So what if the plot was pretty much non-existent? Who wants to watch a movie that you actually have to think in order to understand? I like my entertainment nice and uncomplicated, with hot chicks and lots of action. Here are some of the reasons why I liked Hellboy and why if you didn't, you should.

1) Lots of ass-kicking.
Yes, there was ass-kicking basically throughout the entire movie. I mean, there was this Samael monster running around and Hellboy was kicking its ass like, all the way. Then there was this blademaster kinda zombie thingy running around stabbing people. Well, Hellboy kicked his ass, too. Then there was this bald Russian sorceror guy, Rasputin, who was basically the uber bad guy in the show and the boss of the blademaster guy. Actually the person who acted as Rasputin sucked. I have more evil in my toenails than he does in his entire body, but that's ok, because Hellboy totally fucked him up. And at the end, there was this humongous monster with lots of tentacles which somehow came out from Rasputin's belly after he died and which Rasputin referred to as a god. Shit, that was stupid. If that's a god, I'd hate to see his worshippers. Reminded me of Lovecraft, kind of. Anyway, that's ok too, because Hellboy blew it up.

2) Not convinced? Selma Blair is hot.
Yes, I know most of you probably don't think so, and I have to admit that I didn't think so either at first. Then I saw the scene where she told that stupid nerd from FBI (the really sucky element in the show) to hit her. And when he did and her hand started to catch on fire, she looked at him, suddenly calm and serious, and said, "You should be running." Wow, I love chicks with attitudes.

3) The dude playing Hellboy kicks ass.
I think he's pretty convincing. And I liked the part after Selma Blair's soul was lost and he called it back and she was asking him something like, "when I was in the dark, I heard your voice. What did you say?"

"I said, 'hey. You on the other side. You'd better let her go. Because for her I'll cross over, and then you'll be sorry.'"

How fucking cool is that? I like the phrase "for her I'll cross over". Very romantic, may my tongue turn black for saying it. Yes, yes, I can be sentimental at times, ok? Now, fuck off. And he was pretty convincing in the scene after his surrogate father died too. You see, humble readers, he thought that there was something going on between Selma Blair and the FBI dork. So when she wanted to talk to him, he told her something like, "I can promise you two things. I will always look this good."

Selma Blair smiles. Then he turns serious. "And I will never give up on you."

Aww...

4) Hellboy's fireproof.
'nuff said.

5) Did I mention that there was lots of ass-kicking?
Yes, of course, the best reason to watch any show is that it has a lot of ass-kicking. Which Hellboy has in spades. So go watch it, humble readers. And if it turns out you don't like it, you're a stupid fucker who didn't deserve to keep the money anyway.
 
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