Queer guys can kiss my ass. Oh wait. No, they can't!
I've always thought of myself as a person without prejudices. As I always like to tell my friends, I hate everyone equally for being the worthless pieces of shit that they all are. Let me illustrate the meaning of what I've just said with an example. Supposing a group of Chinese and a group of Malays (I'm Chinese by ethnicity, by the way) were having a big race war in front of me, I'd cheerfully toss a grenade into the midst of them. When the debris settles, I would run in with an automatic weapon, hollering a war cry and slowly kill all the survivors, starting from their toes and working my way gradually up to their eyeballs just for disturbing the peace.

So you see, it's not that I'm prejudiced against gays or anything like that. I hate them just as much as I hate everyone else. This brings me to today's topic. See, a few days ago, a friend of mine showed me this website for a show entitled "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". For the jackasses amongst you fucking chumps who are too fucking lazy to click on the fucking link to see what the fucking show is all about, I'll give you the fucking low-down on it. Yes, I'm aware that there were a lot of "fucking"s in the previous sentence, but if you're too fucking lazy to actually move your fucking finger to click on the fucking link, you fucking deserved it. Now, stop fucking interrupting. The show basically features five gay men who do makeovers for a different straight man every week. I quote this from the website.

"They are the Fab 5: an elite team of gay men who have dedicated their lives to extolling the simple virtues of style, taste and class.

Each week their mission is to transform a style-deficient and culture-deprived straight man from drab to fab in each of their respective categories: fashion, food and wine, interior design, grooming and culture."

Ah, such a worthy cause to dedicate your fucking life to. Excuse me while I shit my guts out in wonder at the selflessness of it all. Needless to say, I did not need to watch the show to know that it was built on pure bullshit. It's all because of this stupid new "metrosexual" fad that's been going around lately. Suddenly every guy has to care about his fucking appearances and use hand lotion and conditioner. Hey, why don't we just cut to the chase and start menstruating as well and really get in touch with our "feminine sides"?

Elite team, my fucking ass. Look, you motherfucking bimbos with dicks, I don't care if I have split ends. I don't care if the skin on my hands is not properly moisturised. I don't care what kind of wine or, indeed, alcohol it is I'm drinking as long as it can get me drunk and won't kill me too fast. I scratch my balls when they're itchy and I curse like a fucking pirate when I'm annoyed. Is that all right with you? And hey, get this, women still like me. I'm devoid of taste, class, culture and style and women like me despite that. Why? Because I kick major league ass, which is something no makeover can do for someone, I don't care how much conditioner you drink, how much wine you apply on your hands or how much hand lotion you leave on your head. I don't need help from a couple of himbos to "better myself", thank you very much.

Look, since you're so bent on making the world over, why don't you start by making over Afgha-fucking-nistan? Try extolling the simple virtues of style to the Taliban. Tell them how their turbans are sooo last century. Tell them how better to keep their beards from getting split ends. Maybe they'll even listen to you and stop doing suicide bombings, especially if you ply them with enough good wine. Oh wait, Muslims don't drink alcohol. Too fucking bad. The show makes me sick, and I have yet to watch a single fucking episode. I think the "Fab Five" should find a worthier cause to devote their lives to, or at least just stick to sucking dick and leave the rest of the world the fuck alone.  ¶
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