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Thursday, April 08, 2004
 
Dicks rule. If you ain't got one, you ain't shit.

There is a well-nigh unbridgeable gap between men and women that makes a farce out of gender equality. That gap is called the penis. Yes, you women can rant and rave and bitch all you want, but you will never have a penis. You will never know what it is like to have one, not even if you wear a strap-on for the rest of your miserable lives. The penis, that magical organ, confers an insurmountable advantage on men over women. Allow me to expound more fully on the advantages of having a penis.

From a biological perspective, having a penis means that you're in control of the act of procreation. No one can force you to have sex if you don't want to. If, for example, a fugly woman has you tied up and spread-eagled because she wants to bed you, all you have to do is go "yeah, right", and think of Mike Tyson, and the fugly bitch will be completely helpless in the face of your flaccidity. That is, of course, unless you have a thing for ugly boxers, in which case you might find yourself strangely aroused and the bitch will be able to have her wicked way with you. You can still scream out Mike's name as you climax, though, thereby totally ruining it for her.

From the past till the present, the penis has been an object of fear, worship and even the inspiration for works of art. Take this sand sculpture for instance.



When has the female genitalia ever inspired such a magnificent work of art? The answer is simple, my humble readers. Never. While the vulva is merely a receptacle for the penis, the penis is an inspiring object unto itself and a big penis is truly a sight to behold, as we have seen from the awe-inspiring scultpure of a penis of truly epic proportions above.

Ah yes, I can already hear some of you asking "Great One, does size truly matter?" I can already tell that those of you asking this question are guys with the penile equivalents of those water pistols that kindergarten kids play with. And my advice to you is this: Do whatever it takes to get your penis enlarged. Go for surgery, reply to those irritating spam emails or look for Austin Powers, it matters not. The ends justify the means where penis enlargement is concerned. Don't be a pipsqueak all your life. Get your penis enlarged now. I'm not just talking about the addition of a few piffling centimetres here, either. We're talking about penises of gargantuan proportions, at least a metre in length and a quarter of that in diameter. Yes, only when you are in possession of a penis so long that you have to wear a windsock so the ground doesn't chafe it as it drags behind you on the ground will you ever be worth anything in life. We're talking something like this.



Will any woman ever be capable of being such an awe-inspiring sight? I think not. Yes, that is why there can never be such a thing as gender equality. It's because women don't have penises. Can any woman look at the guy above and resist the urge to run away, screaming? I doubt so. Verily, I say unto ye all, even as it is written:

"Wives, submit unto your husbands, as unto the Lord." - Corinthians 5:22

Having a penis kicks ass, because I have one. If you don't have one, you ain't shit.
 
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