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Saturday, April 10, 2004
My blog kicks ass because I wrote it.

I've been thinking recently, humble readers, about how much my blog kicks ass. It kicks ass way more than any other blog I've ever seen. Why is that so? Is it solely because it was written by me that it kicks so much ass? That might seem to be a tempting conclusion to draw. After all, what could seem more right than to think "Adrian's blog is such a fucking kick ass blog because Adrian wrote it". As we all know (or at least the smarter ones among us, namely, me, know), however, the most seemingly obvious conclusions are often wrong. So I decided to scientifically and objectively break down the reasons behind the awesomeness of my blog. Maybe you fucking chumps can learn something from it and be on your way to becoming kick ass bloggers yourselves.

1) Arrogance.
Humility is overrated. What has humility ever done for anyone other than to ensure that they are overlooked for promotions? Flaunt your strengths and hide your fucking weaknesses. I was thinking of omitting that second part, but I realised that everyone besides me has weaknesses. So in my all-encompassing kindness, I left it in. Arrogance kicks ass because I am arrogant. I am arrogant because I kick ass. Anyone who disagrees with me can kiss my ass. Of course, no one else kicks quite as much ass as I do, because I was born with it. Wait a minute, that sort of renders this point moot, doesn't it? Ah well, on to the second point, then.

2) Intelligence.
Ah yes, any kick ass blog has to have intelligent content. As I have said before, no one wants to read a blog about some boring teenager's meaningless life. A good blog has to be about something that the reader would be interested to know about and which the reader would not otherwise be able to find out for himself. For example, teaching readers how to write a kick ass blog. Or giving some self-help to readers who wish to dispel the illusions in their lives. Or even teaching them how to resolve conflicts with other people. All these are useful titbits of information that the discerning reader would surely appreciate. However, only fucking smart people are qualified to give advice to others on how to properly conduct their lives. No one is quite as smart as me because I was born a fucking genius. Hmm... that would seem to render the second point irrelevant as well, wouldn't it? Well, fear not, there's still the third point.

3) Humour.
Yes, humour is a vital ingredient to any kick ass blog. No one wants to read something that just goes on and on without being funny at the same time. I am a pretty fucking amusing fellow, even if I do say so myself. Precisely because I do say so myself, actually. No one else's opinions mean shit. To be humourous, however, you need to be intelligent, and, oh that would seem to make this point irrelevant for most readers, wouldn't it? You either have it or you don't. Oh well, on to the final and most important point, then.

4) Being born as me.
I guess I was mistaken when I thought that I could teach other people how to write kick ass blogs, because you have to be me to be able to do it. It seems that my blog kicks ass simply because I wrote it, after all. Nah, of course I wasn't fucking mistaken. I was just yanking your chain, humble reader. You will never be able to write a kick ass blog for the simple reason that you're not me. Why is it that only I can write a kick ass blog, you might ask? That's because I'm awesomely cool and godlike, not to mention the fact that I have insane skills.

In an ideal world, I would be the only blogger in the world and all the rest of you peons would only read my blog instead of wasting your time coming up with those pieces of literary excretion that you call blogs. Please just give the fuck up, guys. You suck.
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Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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