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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
I smoke to kill my family and friends

Woh, looks like Gerald got sand in his vagina today (is he gonna get me for this, haha). What's gotten you so pissed, bro? You should lighten up. Remember that life is beautiful and all that crap, and if things get really bad, there's always alcohol and cigarettes. Yes, I may have said this before, but alcohol is the best friend to have. It never judges you and it never talks back. It just makes you feel good. So go have a drink, bro. And light up a fag too. Right, and that brings me to today's topic. Smoking.

Cigarettes kick ass because I smoke. Well, actually, I'm more of an occasional smoker. I smoke only on special occasions. See, I don't just smoke for nothing. I have to have a reason for smoking. Here are some of the occasions when I light up and take a puff.

1) When I am sad, I smoke to console myself.
2) When I am happy about something, I light up a celebratory fag.
3) When I am excited, I smoke to calm myself down.
4) When I am bored, I smoke to occupy myself.
5) After meals, I wash down the food with beer and, yes you've guessed it, cigarettes.
6) Before sleep, I have a fag to make myself relaxed.
7) After sleep, I have a nice, stimulating fag to wake myself up.
8) I fag when I wait for people so that I don't look like a complete idiot.
9) I fag to make others look like complete idiots as they wait for me.
10) When others fag, I light up to accompany them.
11) Between this cigarette and the next, I have a between-fags fag.

See? There's a smoke for all occasions. Anyway, I'm a pretty considerate smoker. If there are people I know around, I always ask them if they mind before I smoke. Of course, I would smoke even if they said they minded because how rude is that (saying you mind, I mean)? If there are people whom I don't know, I try not to smoke too near to them. Especially if they look like they could kick my ass in a fight. Just kidding, of course, I can own anyone in a fight because I rock. Actually I just don't smoke too near to people I don't know because I'm a great guy.

What I really can't stand is the people who give me funny looks and cover their noses or fan the air around their noses as they walk past me when I'm smoking. Yes, genius, that's going to reduce your risk of lung cancer by 0.00000000000000002%. Out-fucking-standing. Maybe for your next trick, you could try avoiding pregnancy by asking your boyfriend to put his dick into someone else's pussy when he's fucking you? Oh, wait..

What the fuck is wrong with these people? These are probably the same type of people who lobby and write complaint letters trying to get the government to ban smoking. Come the fuck on, you morons. The government will never ban smoking because they get way too much tax from it. Look, if I'm already smoking when you come walking your ass along, tough. I was there first. Bite me. I always blow the fucking smoke deliberately into the faces of these stupid bitches (somehow, they're always female), just to see that annoyed look come over their snotty faces and just to see them quicken their pace. Yeah, that always brightens my day.

Here's a news flash for you menstruating bitches, I don't care whether you guys like it or not because your opinions don't fucking matter to me. So there's no point fanning your face to signal your displeasure. You want signals? I can give you a smoke signal, if you like. I like to smoke, so I'll smoke whenever the fuck I want, wherever the fuck I want, so long as it's legal and you can't sue me for it. If you don't like it, you can kiss my ass.
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