I am so cool.
I'm feeling strangely mellow today. I haven't really thought about or encountered anything that I feel strongly enough for to blog about today. Ah well, in that case, I shall blog about the subject that is always nearest and dearest to my heart. Myself. I kick ass. You know how sometimes you meet a person who always seems to be right and who seems to be good at anything he cares to try his hand at? Well, multiply that feeling by a thousand times and you could possibly get an idea of what it feels like to meet me. This is why all my friends kick ass almost, but not quite, as much as I do.
Watching me brilliantly going about my daily life must put an awful pressure on my friends to constantly better themselves. I almost said that I pity the poor guys and girls who are my friends, but then I remembered that they already have the considerable good fortune to be my friends in the first place. Yes, being a friend of mine kicks ass because I kick major league ass. I'd describe myself in more detail, but I'm afraid that some of the less fortunate amongst you humble readers might gnaw your own livers out in envy at how much more ass I kick than you. You see, guys, that's the reason why I almost never include any details of my personal life in my blog. It's out of concern for all of you humble readers. Those among you with delicate constitutions would never be able to deal with that amount of all-consuming envy.
Let me describe in a general sort of way why I kick so much ass. Firstly, I'm devastatingly intelligent. Even when I was in my mother's womb, I had already gotten as far as "Cogito, ergo sum". For the less literate amongst you, that means "I think, therefore I am" in Latin. It's a quote from a famous French philosopher dude named René Descartes. By the time I was two, I'd already gotten as far as E=mc². By the time I was ten... well, you get the idea, I'm sure. No need to belabour the point. The point is that I kick tons of ass partly because I'm super-intelligent. But is that all? Of course not!
I'm also extremely good-looking. I'm a regular Adonis, with the face of an angel and the body of a god. A Greek god. Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm not really that good-looking. Actually, I was just kidding about the kidding part. I am
that good-looking, and you'd better believe it. I'm so good-looking that even though I'm a guy, adjectives like "beautiful" and "gorgeous" may be used to describe me with a fair degree of accuracy. I'm so beautiful that straight guys turn gay because they stare at me too long, and who doesn't like to stare at me? No one, that's who. Everyone loves to look at me because I'm so good-looking.
What else do I excel at? Ah yes, I'm also super athletic. I'm good at any sports I try. I score goals and make baskets with equal facility. I run like the wind and jump like a kangaroo. I'm super flexible, too. I can bend my arm in almost any direction. Also, I kick ass at martial arts. When I first started taking Taekwondo, I whooped my instructor's ass when he wanted to teach me a lesson because his girlfriend was making eyes at me. Dumbass. No one can beat me, ever. The last I heard, he was still in a coma, and so was his girlfriend, who tried to commit suicide because I rejected her.
Lastly, my character kicks ass too. For one thing, I'm very humble. People are always saying that I'm too cocky, but I'm just being honest. That's the ironic thing, because most people can't handle the truth that I'm way cooler than they are, so they say that I'm arrogant and call me names behind my back. They don't dare to do it to my face because they've heard of what happened to my Taekwondo instructor, but I know it anyway because I'm super-intelligent and can read them all like open books.
"But wait," you say, "is there anything
you're not good at, Great One?" Well, if I have any faults, it's that I'm too generous. Oh wait, that isn't really considered a fault, is it? Well, I guess I really am perfect, then.