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Friday, April 16, 2004
Friendster is lame and so are you!

Right, what the fuck is up with friendster? Why do people keep asking me if I'm on friendster and then acting all surprised when I tell them that I'm not? Friendster is one of the lamest pieces of shit that's floating around on the internet today. Seriously, what the fuck can you accomplish on friendster? Diddly-squat, that's what. There's no games, not even a IM program. The server is laggy too. About all you can do is write testimonials. What the fuck for? Some people write testimonials for friends. Yes, genius, I'm sure his other friends don't already know what kind of a person he is. That's why they hang out with him. And it's real important too, because we all know that the first thing a prospective employer wants to see is your fucking friendster testimonials and how big your circle of friends is (and perhaps whether his daughter is in there), but we'll get to that later.

Most of the testimonials are fucking lame anyway. They're all basically variations on the theme of "so-and-so is a pretty cool guy, yada yada yada, boring specific details that no one else in the world could possibly be interested in, yada yada yada". I mean, come on, like I've said before, there are more than 6 billion fartarounds crawling around inanely on the planet today. Why the fuck do you think anyone would be interested in knowing about you in particular? Why the fuck do you think you matter? The simple answer here is obviously that you don't. No one gives a shit about you. Testimonials affect exactly dick. Unless, of course, the reader of the testimonial is as stupid as you are, which he or she probably is. The only real reason why friendster works is because most people are stupid and will believe anything they see online.

Some of my friends say that friendster is great for finding old friends. Come the fuck on, guys, if you were such great friends, why the fuck did you lose contact in the first place? One or the other of you must have not given a shit at some point in time. Are you sure you need such an apathetic person in your life again? Is he sure he needs one? Let's face it. You ditched him or he ditched you, probably for good reason because in all likelihood, you both suck. If you ever encounter each other, whether online or in real life, the thing to do is to pretend you've never set eyes on each other in your lives and carefully avoid contact unless there were tangible benefits to be had, such as sex or money. Other than that, why bother? You'll only drift apart again after this silly shallow fad is over.

The worst is when people get to know other people on friendster after seeing their pictures or reading their testimonials. Then they assume that they know that person inside out already and start writing testimonials about people they have never met! What the fuck is up with that? Some people have "friends" numbering more than 500 on friendster, or so I've heard (I do not do friendster). My guess is that they're either hot chicks or people who put up pictures of hot chicks in their profiles. What's more, they're stupid hot chicks if they actually buy into the thought that these 500 people, out of whom 99% are male, are really friends of theirs. Men don't have platonic friends. We just have women we haven't fucked yet, and that's the goddamned truth, even if I first heard it from Chris Rock.

So the next time any of you wants to ask me whether I'm on friendster, kindly get the fuck out of my face before I shoot you, beat your spouse to death, sell your children, kill all your friends, and burn your house down. Friendster sucks, it is lame and I will never be on it. The closest I've come was to create a bogus account and put a picture of a chimpanzee in the profile as a lark just to see how many idiots actually responded. Don't ask me if any did, because I was too lazy to go check on it and I don't remember the password. Now, fuck off.
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