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Thursday, April 05, 2007
 
Sunshine

If I had to write a short review for Sunshine, it would be this. Worst movie of this year and any other year.

Unfortunately, that has already been used by Music and Lyrics. Therefore, I am forced to list down some of the points that make this movie abysmally sucky. Note that I said "some" and not "all", because listing down all the sucky parts of this movie is a herculean task which I am, unfortunately, not equal to.

1) The pseudo-science.

a) Does anyone working on the script have any idea of how big the sun is? The sun alone accounts for about 99.8% of the solar system's mass. Yes, 99.8%. Of the entire solar system. To put things into perspective, Jupiter's mass alone is about 300 times that of Earth's. And what causes the sun to give off all that energy? Fusion. The sun, 99.8% of the mass in the entire solar system, is an immense nuclear furnace. And this show is trying to tell us that throwing something the size of Kansas into the sun is somehow going to kickstart it? A hare-brained scheme if ever there was one. And what's more, the "bomb" is supposed to be dark matter. Erm, given that dark matter is supposed to account for the vast majority of mass in the known universe, wouldn't it stand to reason that it would be mostly inert? If dark matter could be used to kickstart a dying star, no star would ever die. Antimatter would have made more sense, except for the problem of storage, since antimatter annihilates with matter completely. Face it, guys, if the sun ever dies, we're cooked (pardon the pun), because there is quite simply nothing we can do, short of migration to another star system. Probably the only way to kickstart a dying star is to throw another star at it.

b) What the fuck happened to the force of gravity? How the fuck did these crew members gain the godlike strength that would be required for them to move so near to the surface of the sun? Unless they were free-falling towards it for the whole show, they should have been flattened by the sun's gravity. And if they were in orbit around the sun, how the fuck did they manage to gather enough energy to accelerate something the size of Kansas to the escape velocity of the fucking SUN? "Whirligig Isaac", that's what Sir Newton's neighbours in the cemetery must be calling him now.

c) How the fuck did the captain of the first ship survive so close to the sun and alone for 7 fucking years? Human drama is all well and good, but seriously.

2) Dumb crew

If the ship's computer tells you that there is one more crew member than there was supposed to be, out in deep space, and proceeds to give you the location of the mysterious extra crew member, would you,

a) Go to the extra crew member's location to investigate alone, or
b) Round up the rest of your crew, gather some weapons, then go investigate.

Some people would actually choose option (b). Crazy, I know.

3) Lack of sex.

I don't know about you guys, but if I were heading towards the fucking SUN with a huge fucking state-sized BOMB, I'd have brought tons of lube.

In summary, if you feel like watching Sunshine, please go get the Armageddon DVD and watch it again. It was crap too, but at least it was entertaining crap and had Liv Tyler in it. Oh, my Science, I want my money back.

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