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Sunday, May 18, 2008
This movie has me all psyched. It has me so psyched, I'm going to rush out after dinner and watch it alone. I have watched both Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong, and, while the plots left a lot to be desired, the action sequences were without parallel. Even better, in some respects, than those in Chinese martial arts flicks.
Ok ok, I'm just a sucker for movies.
Labels: movie
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Yes, you heard me. In spite of the fact that the local rag's movie critic hack (you know, the one who writes cringe-inducing puns) gave it a rating of 4 stars out of 5 and in spite of the megabucks that were poured into the production, that movie sucked ass. Why? I could write about it, but here's some evidence. Yes, someone actually took the trouble to post an ad on a classifieds site to tell everyone how shit the movie was. Someone not on a payroll, who has nothing to gain, watched the movie and felt outraged enough by it to take out an ad telling everyone else not to watch it.
That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Maggie Q calls some HACKER DUDES. Text scrolls by at a furious pace on screens. Obviously, HACKING is going on, because only k3w| d00dz can possibly read script at such speed.
Justin Long: Yo, bitch, you got a sexy voice. Let's mate.
Maggie Q: Seriously, has that ever worked for you before?
Justin Long: Not really, but hey, I am a hacker and hence, by definition, a socially inept geek.
Maggie Q: Oh. Well, in that case, let's you and I make furious, sweaty sex, you hot geeky guy, you.
Justin Long: Really? Wow! Let me just find my penis...
Maggie Q: Nah, just kidding. Have a computer bomb instead.
Justin Long: What?
Maggie Q: Nothing.
Justin Long: ...
Random Hacker Dude's computer hangs. Instead of pressing escape or logging in from another virtual terminal and attempting to kill the offending processes, he for some reason hits the Delete key. This causes his computer to blow the fucking shit out of him, his friend, and his goddamned house.
Maggie Q: MUAHAHAHAHA!
Mary Elizabeth Winstead is making out with Some Guy in a car.
Some Guy gropes her tits and, like a perfect little cock tease, Mary slaps his hand away.
Some Guy tries again.
An ominous shadow looms over the car. It is Bruce Willis!
Bruce Willis: Big mistake. No means no. Get out of the car, punk.
Mary: Dad, relax! He's not even my boyfriend! Go away!
Bruce Willis: Oh. That's all right then. You can make out with anyone, just don't get serious about it, that's my girl. *goes away*
The Gestapo FBI experiences a momentary outage.
Cliff Curtis: Any hacker who could conceivably be even remotely involved in this must be rounded up.
FBI chick: Um, how do we know it's a hack attempt? And even if it is, shouldn't we ascertain who the culprit is instead of just randomly arresting people? Perhaps we could check the system log files first? Do a little computer forensics...?
Cliff Curtis: I stared at the screens for ONE SECOND! That's sufficient time for me to deduce that it's a hacking attempt.
FBI chick: But-
Cliff Curtis: ONE SECOND!
FBI chick: The actual culprits-
Cliff Curtis: ONE SECOND!
FBI chick: Oh well, at least this won't take much effort because all the hackers with the skills and motivation to do this live in the USA. We know this because 1) we are universally loved and 2) all foreigners are stupid.
Fortunately, this sort of thing does not happen in real life.
Bruce Willis' superior asks him to go pick up Justin Long.
Justin Long is in his apartment, and his computer hangs. His finger hovers over the Delete key, which the producers seem to think will magically kill all malfunctioning processes.
The doorbell rings, sparing Justin Long from a gruesome end.
Random Thugs: Well, the computer failed to explode, let's go shoot up the geek instead.
Justin Long: OMFG OMFG someone is shooting at me!
Bruce Willis: Don't worry, kid. I know exactly how to deal with this.
Bruce Willis springs a huge boner and deflects the bullets with it. Then, he proceeds to methodically squash all the Random Thugs with his enormous dick.
Justin Long: I feel so inadequate because although my IQ is 3 times that of his, I can't squash people or deflect bullets with my dick.
Surviving thug calls Timothy Olyphant.
Thug: Dude, we fucked up.
Timothy Olyphant: What happened?
Thug: Some cop whupped our asses with his huge dick.
Timothy Olyphant: Oh fuck, a cop with a huge dick? I feel threatened because in spite of the fact that I am a genius hacker and I virtually control the entire country's infrastructure, I have a small penis and occasionally can't get it up.
Maggie Q: It's ok darling. It happens to everyone.
Bruce Willis brings Justin Long to Cliff Curtis.
Cliff Curtis: Our worst fears have come true. The hackers have caused a traffic jam and sent us fake anthrax.
Bruce Willis: Yo, dawg. Here's the geek you ordered.
Cliff Curtis: Oh. Well, we're too busy right now, so stow him around somewhere, because although he's a genius hacker, he can't help us with this obviously hacking-related traffic disturbance right now.
Bruce Willis: Well, fsck you then. We're outta here.
l337 H4x0rs: We interrupt this program to bring you a special broadcast. America, you've been pwned! Uber pwnaged! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
America: *cringes in fear, starts panicking*
Justin Long: This is a fire sale! Everything must go!
Bruce Willis: Whatever. Let's go drive around for a while for no apparent reason. That's safer than staying here with all the feds.
Maggie Q: Just proceed here and go there. Turn left at the sign marked "ambush".
Justin Long: Hey, I'm having a minuscule erection! It's her! She's one of the bad guys!
Bruce Willis: Yo bitch. We're onto you. Instead of hiding that fact and using it to my advantage, here's a picture of my penis. As you can see, it's a good 13 inches in diameter even when it's flaccid. Way larger than your boyfriend's minute member.
Timothy Olyphant: I know all about you, n00b. I watched all the previous 3 movies and even though I know you're a psycho killer who exhibits Terminator-like invulnerability, I'm not gonna get off the line and quietly have you killed. Instead I'm gonna piss you off by erasing your 401K and telling you about it. PWNED! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Bruce Willis: IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, MOTHERFUCKER!
Helicopter: *shoots at Bruce Willis, misses because Bruce Willis' dick has erected a force field over the car*
Bruce Willis: *drives into tunnel*
Timothy Olyphant: *directs like 1000000 cars into the tunnel*
Bruce Willis: All right, that does it. I'm REALLY gonna use my dick now.
Bruce Willis springs a huge erection and launches his car at the helicopter with it.
Acrobatic Thug: *jumps off chopper*
Chopper: *explodes*
Acrobatic Thug: Yo Timothy. We lost the chopper in a freak car-helicopter crash. I shall not attempt to go into the tunnel to check for survivors, because clearly any superhuman capable of launching a car at a chopper with his dick could not have survived that.
Timothy Olyphant: Good job, dawg. In spite of my godlike intelligence stats, I will not ask you to go into the tunnel just to make sure.
Bruce Willis: So, kid. What d'ya think they'll do next?
Justin Long: I WANT MY MUMMYYYYYYY!!
Bruce Willis: Snap out of it, kid and help my dick save the world!
Justin Long: Oh ok. Well, they'll probably take out the power stations next. I even know the exact one.
Bruce Willis: Cool! Let's go crash their party RIGHT NOW!
Justin Long: You sure you don't need reinforcements?
Bruce Willis: To deal with a needle dick like Timothy? You talk crazy, man.
In the car...
Justin Long: So, how'd you do that thing where you launched the car at the chopper with nothing but your giant boner?
Bruce Willis: I am a cybernetic organism. Living tissue over metal endoskeleton.
Bruce Willis: *rips off some skin from his dick to reveal a mecha-dick taken directly from some hentai anime*
Justin Long: My hero... wait, what?
Bruce Willis: That's just a line from my friend's movie. Actually, trust me, if someone else had a dick as large as or larger than mine, I'd gladly let them do this shit. Unfortunately, however, no one's dick is larger than mine. Even my wife left me because it hurts when we try to have sex.
Justin Long: Guess that's what makes you that guy.
Maggie Q: *Hacks the power station's system like a true script kiddie.*
Bruce Willis: I kill your henchmen with my enormous dick!
Maggie Q: I whale on you with my kung fu!
Bruce Willis: Even though I am ten times slower than you, I win by clubbing you with my gigantic boner.
Timothy Olyphant: Maggie?
Bruce Willis: I pwned your hot girlfriend! Who's the n00b now? BWAHAHAHA!
Timothy Olyphant: NOOOOOO! I'm never gonna get laid again! Oh, it's REALLY on now, copper!
Justin Long: We need to find Fat Geek. He is the only one who can help us save the country.
Fat Geek: Balls to you, copper!
Bruce Willis: Want a can of whoopass?
Fat Geek: Okok, let's not get fractious. The Bad Guy is actually Timothy Olyphant, who got crucified by the government, hung for 9 days on the cross, rose from the grave, etc. Look, the point is, he's a ghost. He's so good, you'll never be able to find him.
Timothy Olyphant: We gots your daughter, copper!
Bruce Willis: Fuck! Hang on, girl! Daddy's coming to get you!
Justin Long: Hey! I grew a pair! And my dick seems to be getting larger! This must be your influence! Mind if I come with?
Bruce Willis: Whatever. Just stay out of my way when the killing begins.
Bruce Willis: *finds the Bad Guys. so much for Timothy being a ghost*
Timothy Olyphant: Stop or I'll shoot your daughter!
Bruce Willis: Make my day, bitch. You ain't got the balls.
Timothy Olyphant: *looks down*
Timothy Olyphant: Shit! How'd he know? All right, lads, let's make a run for it. Acrobatic Thug, kill him!
Bruce Willis throws Acrobatic Thug into the blender with his enormous dick and has the remains for breakfast.
Bruce Willis: Cliff Curtis, if I don't make it through this, please get my daughter away from that geek.
Cliff Curtis: Haha, you're actually pretending it's possible for you to die. How droll.
Timothy Olyphant: Ok, I'm gonna send a fighter jet after the copper now. Surely that will stop him?
Bruce Willis: *ejaculates and gums up the jet's engine with a huge gob of semen, causing it to crash*
Timothy Olyphant: FUCK!
Bruce Willis: End of the line, pal.
Random Thug: *shoots Bruce Willis*
Mary: Daddy! NOOOOO!
Timothy Olyphant: Finally! Pwned! BWAHAHAHAHA! Ok, now instead of just putting a bullet into that thick skull of yours, I'm gonna get close to you, haul you up and put my gun within easy reach of you. In spite of the facts that you've shown signs of invulnerability and inhuman endurance and that you're not mortally wounded.
Mary and Justin Long: *snigger* What an idiot.
Bruce Willis: *impales Timothy Olyphant on his giant boner*
p.s. For the record, I actually quite enjoyed the movie.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
I just watched 200 Pounds Beauty, and it was surprisingly funny and heartwarming. I still did not have a heart the last time I checked, so I'm just basing the latter on hearsay.
Basically, the show revolves around this ugly chick Hanna, who sings for lip-synching pop queen Ammy. Hanna is in love with Ammy's supposedly gorgeous producer which rouses the ire of Ammy. Ammy plays a cruel prank on Hanna (go watch the movie if you wish to know what the prank was), embarrassing her in front of the producer dude, after which Hanna attempts suicide. In the middle of the attempt, she changed her mind and decided to become pretty instead by going for drastic plastic surgery.
The surgery was, mildly speaking, wildly successful. It turned her from this
into this.
Oops, I'm sorry, I got the pictures mixed up. I meant from the one on the left to the one on the right of the picture below.
After she turns into a hot chick, she looks the producer dude up again, using the name Jenny. She claims to be a natural beauty, and he markets her image as such, but later she decides to come clean with the public, and instead of getting crucified for it, her popularity rockets.
I think the moral we can all draw from the story is that plastic surgery is totally cool . . .
So long as you 'fess up to it. Oh gods, I'm sorry, I have no idea why these totally irrelevant pictures keep appearing on my blog. Jeez, where are they all coming from?
p.s. Jokes aside, if you haven't watched the movie, go watch it. I left out a lot of crucial plot points leading up to Hanna's final decision, not to mention numerous comedic elements.
p.p.s. I just found out that the actress, Kim Ah-jung, is not only gorgeous, she really did sing the cover of Blondie's "Maria" for the show. She is totally my new favourite Asian star.
p.p.p.s. According to some shallow googling, Kim Ah-jung's beauty is, in fact, au naturel.
Addendum: And she (not Kim Ah-jung) says she does not get the similarity, haha! If irony were made of alcohol, we'd all be drowning in tequila right now.
Labels: movie, plastic surgery
Thursday, April 05, 2007
If I had to write a short review for Sunshine, it would be this. Worst movie of this year and any other year.
Unfortunately, that has already been used by Music and Lyrics. Therefore, I am forced to list down some of the points that make this movie abysmally sucky. Note that I said "some" and not "all", because listing down all the sucky parts of this movie is a herculean task which I am, unfortunately, not equal to.
1) The pseudo-science.
a) Does anyone working on the script have any idea of how big the sun is? The sun alone accounts for about 99.8% of the solar system's mass. Yes, 99.8%. Of the entire solar system. To put things into perspective, Jupiter's mass alone is about 300 times that of Earth's. And what causes the sun to give off all that energy? Fusion. The sun, 99.8% of the mass in the entire solar system, is an immense nuclear furnace. And this show is trying to tell us that throwing something the size of Kansas into the sun is somehow going to kickstart it? A hare-brained scheme if ever there was one. And what's more, the "bomb" is supposed to be dark matter. Erm, given that dark matter is supposed to account for the vast majority of mass in the known universe, wouldn't it stand to reason that it would be mostly inert? If dark matter could be used to kickstart a dying star, no star would ever die. Antimatter would have made more sense, except for the problem of storage, since antimatter annihilates with matter completely. Face it, guys, if the sun ever dies, we're cooked (pardon the pun), because there is quite simply nothing we can do, short of migration to another star system. Probably the only way to kickstart a dying star is to throw another star at it.
b) What the fuck happened to the force of gravity? How the fuck did these crew members gain the godlike strength that would be required for them to move so near to the surface of the sun? Unless they were free-falling towards it for the whole show, they should have been flattened by the sun's gravity. And if they were in orbit around the sun, how the fuck did they manage to gather enough energy to accelerate something the size of Kansas to the escape velocity of the fucking SUN? "Whirligig Isaac", that's what Sir Newton's neighbours in the cemetery must be calling him now.
c) How the fuck did the captain of the first ship survive so close to the sun and alone for 7 fucking years? Human drama is all well and good, but seriously.
2) Dumb crew
If the ship's computer tells you that there is one more crew member than there was supposed to be, out in deep space, and proceeds to give you the location of the mysterious extra crew member, would you,
a) Go to the extra crew member's location to investigate alone, or
b) Round up the rest of your crew, gather some weapons, then go investigate.
Some people would actually choose option (b). Crazy, I know.
3) Lack of sex.
I don't know about you guys, but if I were heading towards the fucking SUN with a huge fucking state-sized BOMB, I'd have brought tons of lube.
In summary, if you feel like watching Sunshine, please go get the Armageddon DVD and watch it again. It was crap too, but at least it was entertaining crap and had Liv Tyler in it. Oh, my Science, I want my money back.
Labels: movie
