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Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Cloverfield is a shit movie

Yes, you heard me. In spite of the fact that the local rag's movie critic hack (you know, the one who writes cringe-inducing puns) gave it a rating of 4 stars out of 5 and in spite of the megabucks that were poured into the production, that movie sucked ass. Why? I could write about it, but here's some evidence. Yes, someone actually took the trouble to post an ad on a classifieds site to tell everyone how shit the movie was. Someone not on a payroll, who has nothing to gain, watched the movie and felt outraged enough by it to take out an ad telling everyone else not to watch it.

That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

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Yeah, I felt like demanding my money back too.
Really? I thought it was pretty good. Certainly not a monster flick in the way 'Zilla or AVP2 (which frankly, sucked for all the hype that surrounds the franchise) is, but nonetheless it's alot darker and more believable than either of the former two. As the local papers noted, a handycam version of The Mist (of which I thoroughly enjoyed the original story by Stephen King). With the present flood of shock-horror monster/thriller/horror flicks in cinemas these days, I think it refreshing to be scared of something you can't see rather than something awesomely gory that you can.
I did not mind the webcam approach, but when I go see a monster movie, I have certain expectations. First, mayhem and destruction. Second, I want lots of shots of the monster, because it is, after all, a monster movie. Lastly, being a lore buff, I want some monster lore. Where did it come from? I'm not interested in how much the human characters love each other. If I wanted love, I'd have watched a romantic comedy.

As for realism, come on, 30-storey-tall monsters are not realistic. A bunch of dopey, soft city kids heading back into a war zone with a frikkin' 30-storeys-tall monster and smaller spider-things as large as dogs running around to save someone who's as good as dead is not realistic. Those kids somehow surviving is not realistic. These same soft city kids climbing like 50 storeys, pulling their friend out, going back down 50 storeys after braving aforementioned war zone all on foot, is not realistic. The friend still being alive after being impaled while the building she was in collapsed is not realistic. Her still being able to support her boyfriend after recently having her shoulder impaled is definitely not realistic. Come to think of it, the irritating dude shooting everything is not terribly realistic in the first place. The camera surviving a nuke with its film intact is not realistic either.

Fuck realism. I'm cool with unrealistic in monster movies, you see. What I'm not cool with is being cheated into watching a monster movie that's actually about a bunch of kids running around playing grab-ass and telling each other how much in love they are with each other and hardly any shots of the monster at all. The only possible objective this movie could have had was to set the audience up for the sequel by not barely showing the monster and not bothering to explain anything because the producers couldn't be arsed to think of fresh ideas for it. What a mockery of the genre this has been.

So yes, Wong Cheok, really, it was a crap movie. :)
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Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
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