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Monday, July 09, 2007
Live Free or Die Hard aka Die Hard 4.0

Maggie Q calls some HACKER DUDES. Text scrolls by at a furious pace on screens. Obviously, HACKING is going on, because only k3w| d00dz can possibly read script at such speed.

Justin Long: Yo, bitch, you got a sexy voice. Let's mate.
Maggie Q: Seriously, has that ever worked for you before?
Justin Long: Not really, but hey, I am a hacker and hence, by definition, a socially inept geek.
Maggie Q: Oh. Well, in that case, let's you and I make furious, sweaty sex, you hot geeky guy, you.
Justin Long: Really? Wow! Let me just find my penis...
Maggie Q: Nah, just kidding. Have a computer bomb instead.
Justin Long: What?
Maggie Q: Nothing.
Justin Long: ...

Random Hacker Dude's computer hangs. Instead of pressing escape or logging in from another virtual terminal and attempting to kill the offending processes, he for some reason hits the Delete key. This causes his computer to blow the fucking shit out of him, his friend, and his goddamned house.


Mary Elizabeth Winstead is making out with Some Guy in a car.
Some Guy gropes her tits and, like a perfect little cock tease, Mary slaps his hand away.
Some Guy tries again.

An ominous shadow looms over the car. It is Bruce Willis!

Bruce Willis: Big mistake. No means no. Get out of the car, punk.
Mary: Dad, relax! He's not even my boyfriend! Go away!
Bruce Willis: Oh. That's all right then. You can make out with anyone, just don't get serious about it, that's my girl. *goes away*

The Gestapo FBI experiences a momentary outage.

Cliff Curtis: Any hacker who could conceivably be even remotely involved in this must be rounded up.
FBI chick: Um, how do we know it's a hack attempt? And even if it is, shouldn't we ascertain who the culprit is instead of just randomly arresting people? Perhaps we could check the system log files first? Do a little computer forensics...?

Cliff Curtis: I stared at the screens for ONE SECOND! That's sufficient time for me to deduce that it's a hacking attempt.
FBI chick: But-

Cliff Curtis: ONE SECOND!
FBI chick: The actual culprits-

Cliff Curtis: ONE SECOND!
FBI chick: Oh well, at least this won't take much effort because all the hackers with the skills and motivation to do this live in the USA. We know this because 1) we are universally loved and 2) all foreigners are stupid.

Fortunately, this sort of thing does not happen in real life.

Bruce Willis' superior asks him to go pick up Justin Long.

Justin Long is in his apartment, and his computer hangs. His finger hovers over the Delete key, which the producers seem to think will magically kill all malfunctioning processes.

The doorbell rings, sparing Justin Long from a gruesome end.

Random Thugs: Well, the computer failed to explode, let's go shoot up the geek instead.

Justin Long: OMFG OMFG someone is shooting at me!

Bruce Willis: Don't worry, kid. I know exactly how to deal with this.

Bruce Willis springs a huge boner and deflects the bullets with it. Then, he proceeds to methodically squash all the Random Thugs with his enormous dick.

Justin Long: I feel so inadequate because although my IQ is 3 times that of his, I can't squash people or deflect bullets with my dick.

Surviving thug calls Timothy Olyphant.

Thug: Dude, we fucked up.
Timothy Olyphant: What happened?
Thug: Some cop whupped our asses with his huge dick.
Timothy Olyphant: Oh fuck, a cop with a huge dick? I feel threatened because in spite of the fact that I am a genius hacker and I virtually control the entire country's infrastructure, I have a small penis and occasionally can't get it up.
Maggie Q: It's ok darling. It happens to everyone.

Bruce Willis brings Justin Long to Cliff Curtis.

Cliff Curtis: Our worst fears have come true. The hackers have caused a traffic jam and sent us fake anthrax.
Bruce Willis: Yo, dawg. Here's the geek you ordered.
Cliff Curtis: Oh. Well, we're too busy right now, so stow him around somewhere, because although he's a genius hacker, he can't help us with this obviously hacking-related traffic disturbance right now.
Bruce Willis: Well, fsck you then. We're outta here.

l337 H4x0rs: We interrupt this program to bring you a special broadcast. America, you've been pwned! Uber pwnaged! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
America: *cringes in fear, starts panicking*

Justin Long: This is a fire sale! Everything must go!
Bruce Willis: Whatever. Let's go drive around for a while for no apparent reason. That's safer than staying here with all the feds.

Maggie Q: Just proceed here and go there. Turn left at the sign marked "ambush".
Justin Long: Hey, I'm having a minuscule erection! It's her! She's one of the bad guys!

Bruce Willis: Yo bitch. We're onto you. Instead of hiding that fact and using it to my advantage, here's a picture of my penis. As you can see, it's a good 13 inches in diameter even when it's flaccid. Way larger than your boyfriend's minute member.
Timothy Olyphant: I know all about you, n00b. I watched all the previous 3 movies and even though I know you're a psycho killer who exhibits Terminator-like invulnerability, I'm not gonna get off the line and quietly have you killed. Instead I'm gonna piss you off by erasing your 401K and telling you about it. PWNED! BWAHAHAHAHA!


Helicopter: *shoots at Bruce Willis, misses because Bruce Willis' dick has erected a force field over the car*
Bruce Willis: *drives into tunnel*
Timothy Olyphant: *directs like 1000000 cars into the tunnel*
Bruce Willis: All right, that does it. I'm REALLY gonna use my dick now.

Bruce Willis springs a huge erection and launches his car at the helicopter with it.

Acrobatic Thug: *jumps off chopper*
Chopper: *explodes*

Acrobatic Thug: Yo Timothy. We lost the chopper in a freak car-helicopter crash. I shall not attempt to go into the tunnel to check for survivors, because clearly any superhuman capable of launching a car at a chopper with his dick could not have survived that.
Timothy Olyphant: Good job, dawg. In spite of my godlike intelligence stats, I will not ask you to go into the tunnel just to make sure.

Bruce Willis: So, kid. What d'ya think they'll do next?
Bruce Willis: Snap out of it, kid and help my dick save the world!
Justin Long: Oh ok. Well, they'll probably take out the power stations next. I even know the exact one.
Bruce Willis: Cool! Let's go crash their party RIGHT NOW!
Justin Long: You sure you don't need reinforcements?
Bruce Willis: To deal with a needle dick like Timothy? You talk crazy, man.

In the car...

Justin Long: So, how'd you do that thing where you launched the car at the chopper with nothing but your giant boner?
Bruce Willis: I am a cybernetic organism. Living tissue over metal endoskeleton.
Bruce Willis: *rips off some skin from his dick to reveal a mecha-dick taken directly from some hentai anime*

Justin Long: My hero... wait, what?
Bruce Willis: That's just a line from my friend's movie. Actually, trust me, if someone else had a dick as large as or larger than mine, I'd gladly let them do this shit. Unfortunately, however, no one's dick is larger than mine. Even my wife left me because it hurts when we try to have sex.
Justin Long: Guess that's what makes you that guy.

Maggie Q: *Hacks the power station's system like a true script kiddie.*
Bruce Willis: I kill your henchmen with my enormous dick!
Maggie Q: I whale on you with my kung fu!
Bruce Willis: Even though I am ten times slower than you, I win by clubbing you with my gigantic boner.

Timothy Olyphant: Maggie?
Bruce Willis: I pwned your hot girlfriend! Who's the n00b now? BWAHAHAHA!
Timothy Olyphant: NOOOOOO! I'm never gonna get laid again! Oh, it's REALLY on now, copper!

Justin Long: We need to find Fat Geek. He is the only one who can help us save the country.

Fat Geek: Balls to you, copper!
Bruce Willis: Want a can of whoopass?
Fat Geek: Okok, let's not get fractious. The Bad Guy is actually Timothy Olyphant, who got crucified by the government, hung for 9 days on the cross, rose from the grave, etc. Look, the point is, he's a ghost. He's so good, you'll never be able to find him.

Timothy Olyphant: We gots your daughter, copper!
Bruce Willis: Fuck! Hang on, girl! Daddy's coming to get you!

Justin Long: Hey! I grew a pair! And my dick seems to be getting larger! This must be your influence! Mind if I come with?
Bruce Willis: Whatever. Just stay out of my way when the killing begins.

Bruce Willis: *finds the Bad Guys. so much for Timothy being a ghost*
Timothy Olyphant: Stop or I'll shoot your daughter!
Bruce Willis: Make my day, bitch. You ain't got the balls.
Timothy Olyphant: *looks down*
Timothy Olyphant: Shit! How'd he know? All right, lads, let's make a run for it. Acrobatic Thug, kill him!

Bruce Willis throws Acrobatic Thug into the blender with his enormous dick and has the remains for breakfast.

Bruce Willis: Cliff Curtis, if I don't make it through this, please get my daughter away from that geek.
Cliff Curtis: Haha, you're actually pretending it's possible for you to die. How droll.

Timothy Olyphant: Ok, I'm gonna send a fighter jet after the copper now. Surely that will stop him?
Bruce Willis: *ejaculates and gums up the jet's engine with a huge gob of semen, causing it to crash*
Timothy Olyphant: FUCK!

Bruce Willis: End of the line, pal.
Random Thug: *shoots Bruce Willis*
Mary: Daddy! NOOOOO!
Timothy Olyphant: Finally! Pwned! BWAHAHAHAHA! Ok, now instead of just putting a bullet into that thick skull of yours, I'm gonna get close to you, haul you up and put my gun within easy reach of you. In spite of the facts that you've shown signs of invulnerability and inhuman endurance and that you're not mortally wounded.

Mary and Justin Long: *snigger* What an idiot.
Bruce Willis: *impales Timothy Olyphant on his giant boner*


p.s. For the record, I actually quite enjoyed the movie.

Labels: ,

hey, i caught it on Monday...

gotta say it's pretty entertaining but damn unrealistic... C'mon, car on heli? Random lucky shots at thugs? Getting flung here and there with just a minor scratch on the temple?

Tell me Die Hard 4.0++ will have pigs flying.
Haha, oh well, that's Hollywood for you.
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