Some Voiceover

ODYSSEUS: If there's one thing we Greek heroes hope, it's that you remember us.

AUDIENCE: EEEE!! IT'S BOROMIR! SQUEEEE! HI, BOROMIR!

ODYSSEUS: ...That's not exactly what I meant.



Some Battlefield

AGAMEMNON: Look, there's no reason for me to slaughter thousands of your men. You pick out your best soldier, and I pick out mine.

KING OF THESSALY: Deal. [turns to his army] SOME GUYYYYY!

THESSALIAN ARMY: SOME! GUY! SOME! GUY! SOME! GUY!

Some Guy breaks through the crowd. His neck resembles an Easter ham and his spear is the size of a telephone pole.

SOME GUY: RAAAAAAAAA!

AGAMEMNON [turning to his army]: ACHILLEEEEEES!

GREEK ARMY: . . .

AGAMEMNON: . . .



Hut of Wanton Nudity, Some Village

BOY: OMG Achilles you're late you gotta get up Achilles OMG!

ACHILLES: Dude, I just nailed twins. Call me in the morning.

BOY: It IS morning.

ACHILLES: Oh... fuck.



Some Battlefield, Three Days Later

THESSALIAN ARMY: ...SOME! GUY! SOME! GUY! SOME! GUY!

Achilles strolls in, exchanges snippiness with Agamemnon, dodges Some Guy’s spear, gouges Some Guy's neck out.

THESSALIAN ARMY: . . .

ACHILLES: IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?

THESSALIAN ARMY: *averts eyes, kicks dirt*

ACHILLES: NO ONE? PUSSIES!

KING OF THESSALY: Here’s a scepter to take to your king please don’t hurt me I want to live.

ACHILLES: Fuck him, he ain’t my king. I'm goin' back to the Doublemints. Later, assholes.

AGAMEMNON: I hate that guy... so very, very much.



Menelaus’ Hall of Famous Last Words, Sparta

MENELAUS: May the gods keep the wolves in the hills and the women in our beds!

PARIS: *googly stare*

HELEN: *moogly stare*

HECTOR: *eyeroll*

Everyone feasts. Paris and Helen slip away to her room. Hector watches them nervously. Menelaus gooses some dancing girl.



Bedroom of Helen of Troy Sparta

PARIS: Hey, baby, I brought you a pearl necklace.

YOUR OWN JOKE ABOUT PEARL NECKLACES: *inserted here*

YOUR OWN JOKE ABOUT INSERTING THINGS: *inserted here*

HELEN [weepy]: I can’t wear it because I’m sort of already married to that other guy but we’ve been doing the royal nasty for a week already anyway and you’re going to leave tomorrow and WAHHHHH.

PARIS: You could stow away and come with me and start a war that will end up killing 90% of the cast and totally be the downfall of my people and my kingdom!

HELEN: *sniff* I think… that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.



Ship of Hot Brotherhood

PARIS: Uh... Hector... I got a problem.

Hector is whittling a highly symbolic wooden horse lion for his infant son.

HECTOR [puts down horse]: What?

He takes Hector down below deck. Helen is draped in a dark cloak.

HELEN: No one will ever recognize me under this!

Hector jerks Paris back up on deck.

HECTOR: This is so, so bad. SO BAD.

PARIS: Is it worse than the time I TP'd Mycenae?

HECTOR: It is so incredibly much worse, Paris. OH MY GOD WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU STUPID STUPID HOR?

PARIS: *hangs head* We can't take her back, can we?

HECTOR: I'm thinkin' it's a bit late for that, now that you've nailed her six ways from Sunday.

PARIS: We’ll run away where no one will ever find us! Or—I know! I’ll fight Menelaus one on one for her!

HECTOR: Have you ever killed anyone?

PARIS: No.

HECTOR: Have you ever thought about killing anyone?

PARIS: No.

HECTOR: Do you even know which hand the sword goes in?

PARIS: . . .

HECTOR: *facepalm*



Menelaus’ Hall of Delayed Reactions, Sparta, Two Days Later

MENELAUS: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I KEEL YOU, HOR!



Agamemnon's Hall of Greed, Mycenae

MENELAUS: WAHHHHHHHHH!

AGAMEMNON: There, there. I will be more than happy to wage a giant war and take over the entire Mediterranean get your wife back.

MENELAUS: *sniff* You’re the best, man.

AGAMEMNON: I know.

ODYSSEUS: You realize we’re going to need Achilles, right?

AGAMEMNON: DAMMIT!



Some Island

ODYSSEUS: Hey, man, what up?

ACHILLES: Nothin' much [dodge, parry, stab]. Just teaching Patroclus [dodge, parry, dodge] to fight [stab].

ODYSSEUS: Lookin' good there, kid. What is he, your--

ACHILLES: Cousin. He's my cousin. Cousin. Totally my cousin. In conclusion: Cousin.

ODYSSEUS: Whatever. Look, you wanna fight for Agamemnon or not?

ACHILLES: No.

ODYSSEUS: ...fight for Greece?

ACHILLES: No.

ODYSSEUS: ...fight for me?

ACHILLES: I don't dig you that much, man.

ODYSSEUS: ...fight for everlasting fame and glory?

ACHILLES: Now we're talkin'.

ODYSSEUS: Hey, is your mom still a smokin’ sea goddess? Big-time MILF, man.

ACHILLES: LAY OFF MY MOM OR I CUT YOU.

ODYSSEUS: Whatever. And you lay off the reef, man. You’re starting to look kinda ruggid in the face.

ACHILLES: . . .



Tidepool, Some Island

ACHILLES: Hey, Mom! Odysseus wants me to go out and fight, can I can I can I?

THETIS: Well, if you stay here, you'll have a wonderful life with a wonderful wife and tons of kids, and they'll all remember your fabulousness.

ACHILLES: Score!

THETIS: But then, after they're all dead, you'll be completely forgotten.

ACHILLES: Next option.

THETIS: If you go to Troy, you will never come home because your glory is tied to your doom, but you will be remembered forever and ever and ever. Is that what you want?

ACHILLES: Hmmm. We've established that I'm a complete famewhore, so the word I am looking for here is... YES.



Main Street Parade, Troy

HOUSEWIVES OF TROY: Ooo, look at the new hussy in the chariot!

HELEN: I'm starting to think this was a bad idea.

PARIS: I still think this is the bestest idea ever.

HECTOR: I still think that you're a moron.

PRIAM: Son, despite your stupidness, I approve of Helen, because she is a stone fox. Also, your cousin Briseis is still a virgin priestess. I just thought we should remind everyone of that, because surely you've forgotten in the week that you've been gone.

BRISEIS:

Dear George Lucas:

I just got the hug-and-kiss treatment from Eric Bana AND Orlando Bloom in the space of a minute. Thanks again for discovering me; you may come pick up my firstborn child at your earliest convenience.

Love,

Rose

The Beaches of Troy

Achilles’ ship gets there first, because all the other kings are sort of hanging back and filing their nails. Except for Sabretooth Ajax, who tosses one of his oarmen out of the way so he can row faster himself.

PATROCLUS: I wanna go fiiiiiiiight!

ACHILLES: Siddown and guard the boat, kid.

EUDORUS: So basically, fifty Myrmidons are going to run out onto the beach with a frillion Trojan archers watching, and no one's got our back.

ACHILLES: Pretty much.

EUDORUS: You wanna do that turtle thing with our shields?

ACHILLES: Nah, I figure I'll wait until half of us get killed before we do that.

EUDORUS: Oh... okay.

Half the Myrmidons get shot just climbing out of the boat. Then they do the turtle thing and charge up the beach. Achilles busts out and starts going Hellenic on the Trojans' asses.

BLOOD: *spurts*

TROJANS: *die*

OTHER GREEK ARMIES: *hang out in the boats*



Trojan Temple of Apollo Conveniently Located Outside the City Walls

ACHILLES: Sack the booty, kill the priests, and desecrate the temple!

EUDORUS: Uh... this is the temple of Apollo, right? Same god we worship, right?

ACHILLES: Your point...?

EUDORUS: My POINT is that we might PISS OFF our GOD.

ACHILLES: *knocks head off golden statue of Apollo*

EUDORUS: *backs away slowly from the crazy*

HECTOR: HEY! THAT'S OUR TEMPLE!

Achilles throws a spear at Hector's men, killing a guy on horseback from, like, three miles away.

HECTOR: Does it not even bother you that you're killing hundreds of men with wives and families?

ACHILLES: See, that's why it's a good thing that your brother's a total whore.

HECTOR: . . .

EUDORUS: It's the Trojan prince! Let's kill him!

ACHILLES: Let him go.

EUDORUS: Why? If we kill him now…

ACHILLES: ...there won’t be a movie, so let him go.



Agamemnon’s Tent of Booty-Loot

AGAMEMNON: I am the King of Kings. PH34R!

ACHILLES: Yeah, the way you stormed that temple with fifty men and killed everyone by your lonesome was particularly impressive.

AGAMEMNON: STFU, NOOB. Oh, by the way, I took your temple babe.

Enter Greek soldiers struggling with a bruised and bloody Briseis. Alliteration is awesome!

ACHILLES: Give her back or I CUT YOU.

BRISEIS: Fuck you and the ships you sailed in on!

AGAMEMNON: *smirk*

EUDORUS: You realize that you could crack this guy’s head open like a walnut and be done with it, right?

ACHILLES: Yeah, but... then we wouldn’t have a movie. I fight for you again when Hades freezes over, assholes.



Outside the Gates of Troy

AGAMEMNON: ...so, basically, you can give Helen back to Menelaus so he can throttle her at his leisure and Troy can bow down to me, or we can rumble.

HECTOR: I think you can bite my Trojan ass.

PARIS: Wait, wait! How about me and Menelaus just fight it out, because really, this is just about one guy’s wife I stole, right?

AGAMEMNON [whisper to Menelaus]: But I wanna fiiiiight!

MENELAUS [whisper to Agammemon]: Look, I kick his candy ass and then we ALL fight.

AGAMEMNON [whisper]: Oh. Okay.

MENELAUS: Deal.

Menelaus kicks Paris’ ass in about thirty seconds.

BLOOD: *spurts*

PARIS: *cries*

MENELAUS: COME BACK HERE AND LET ME KILL YOU, COWARD!

PARIS: *clings to Hector’s feet, sniveling*

MENELAUS: I KILL YOU LIKE A DOG!

HECTOR: *HECTOR SMASH!*

MENELAUS: *dies*

PRIAM [from city wall]: Ohhhhh, this is so bad. This is soooo bad.

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WAHHHHHOOOOOHHHHH!

AGAMEMNON: AHHHHH! MY BROTHER! I KILL YOU ALL!



Some Rock Beside the Battlefield

EUDORUS: More popcorn, lord?

ACHILLES: Thanks, man.

PATROCLUS: But I wanna go fiiiiiiight!

ACHILLES: Shut up and drink your Slurpee, kid.

THE MYRMIDONS: *sit on the rock and watch the war*

ACHILLES: Huh. Look at that. All the Greeks are running right up to the city wall so the Trojan archers can shoot them down. How considerate of them.



Somewhere on the Battlefield

BLOOD: *sprays*

ODYSSEUS: STOP RUNNING RIGHT UP TO THE ARCHERS, YOU MORONS!

AGAMEMNON: RAAAAAA!

BLOOD: *spurts*

ODYSSEUS: PULL THEM BACK, MORON OF MORONS!

AGAMEMNON: RAAAAAA!

BLOOD: *squirts past the camera*

GREEKS: *die*

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WOHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH!

Hector gets his ass partially kicked, but manages to kill Sabretooth.

ODYSSEUS: RETREAT, DAMMIT!



Agamemnon’s Tent of Suck

ODYSSEUS: NOW will you give Achilles back his temple babe?

AGAMEMNON: Well, I would, but I already gave her to the men.

ODYSSEUS: *facepalm*

NASTY GREEK SOLDIERS: Wheee! Who gets to rape the temple babe first?

BRISEIS: I KILL YOU FIRST!

ACHILLES: I KILL YOU SECOND!

Achilles goes all ninja on the Greeks with a branding iron and carries Briseis off.



Achilles’ Hut of Sensitive Warriors

He tries to clean her off, they bicker, she tries to kill him.

BRISEIS: I KILL YOU!

ACHILLES: How about we do the freaknasty instead?

BRISEIS: ...okay, sure.

PATROCLUS: But Achilleeees, I wanna fiiiiiiight.

ACHILLES: Whatever, kid. We’re goin’ home. Call me in the morning.



Tragic Scene of Flaming Funeral

Agamemnon torches Menelaus’ body.

Odysseus: *tear*

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WAHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH!



Somewhere in the Trojan Palace

Helen sews up the giant slash Menelaus put in Paris’ thigh.

PARIS: *sniffle* I am such a coward.

HELEN: Oh, honey, I don’t want a hero.

PARIS: Well, good, because I suck.

HELEN: I want someone I can grow old with.

PARIS: You mean like the old guy you were married to that my brother killed today?

HELEN: . . .



Achilles’ Hut of Naked Nakedness, The Next Day

ACHILLES: *snores nakedly*

BRISEIS:

Dear George Lucas:

I love you. My secondborn child is on the way.

SQUEEE!!,

Rose

Outside Greek-Camp-by-the-Sea, Dawn

HECTOR: RELEASE THE ARROWS OF FLAME!

FLAMING ARROWS: *cover the beach*

HECTOR: UNLEASH THE GIANT BALLS OF TWINE!

GIANT BALLS OF TWINE: *tumble down hill*

GREEKS: Giant flaming balls of twine! Run for your lives!!

In the middle of the flame and the twine and the burning and the running and the hey-hey-ow-it-hurts, a battle manages to break out.

ACHILLES: I KILL YOU ALL!

HECTOR: I KILL YOU FIRST!

ACHILLES: *dies*

MYRMIDONS: Man, that’s weird. Never seen Achilles die like that before.

HECTOR: Dude, I know. What up with that?

He takes off Achilles’ helmet. It’s not Achilles—it’s Patroclus.

HECTOR: This is so bad. SO BAD.

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WOHHHHHHHHHH!



Achilles’ Hut of Naked Obliviousness

ACHILLES: What up, Eudorus? Hey—have y’all been fighting or something? I said we were leaving.

EUDORUS: ...yeah... about that, Chief...

ACHILLES: Is Patroclus still guarding the ship like I told him?

EUDORUS: . . .

ACHILLES: EUDORUS, WHERE IS PATROCLUS?

EUDORUS: HectorthoughthewasyouandkilledhimpleasedonthurtmeIwanttolive!

ACHILLES: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!



Tragic Scene of Flaming Funeral

Achilles torches Patroclus’ body.

EUDORUS: *tear*

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WOHHHHHHHHHH!



Palace Backyard, Troy

Paris is practicing archery on a nice straw man nailed up to the wall. He hits bull's-eye after bull's-eye.

HELEN: Wow, I had no idea you were so good at this.

PARIS: Neither did I. Weird, isn’t it? And I really want lembas now.

HELEN: What?



Secret Basement of Troy

HECTOR: Honey, things are gonna get real bad. I want you to take the baby and as many of our people down here, through this secret tunnel, and down the river to this secluded mountain where you can hide for a few thousand years while Achilles cools off. Because, trust me, it’s gonna take that long.

ANDROMACHE [weeping]: Why are you telling me this?

HECTOR: Are you even listening to me? I killed Achilles’—cousin. Cousin. Totally his cousin. In conclusion: Cousin—and he is GOING TO KILL ME.

ANDROMACHE: *cries*

HECTOR: Tell me about it.

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WAAAAAHAHHHHHOHHHHH!



Achilles Calls Hector Out

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: Oh, shit.

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: Goodbye, Dad. I tried to be the best son you could have.

PRIAM: *tear*

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: Goodbye, Andromache. I tried to be the best husband I could be.

ANDROMACHE: *tear*

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: Goodbye, baby son. I tried to be the best father I could be.

BABY: WAAAAAA!

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: Goodbye, Paris. Make me proud.

PARIS: Oh, way to twist the knife, man.

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

SMARTASS IN THE AUDIENCE: STELLAAAAAAA!

ACHILLES: Shut your mouth or I CUT YOU.

SMARTASS IN THE AUDIENCE: *whimpers*

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: *puts on his armor slowly and dramatically*

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: *reads the paper, gets a shoeshine*

ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!

HECTOR: I’m here, I’m here! Promise me that the loser gets a proper burial.

ACHILLES: Fuck you.

HECTOR: We let Patroclus have a proper burial!

ACHILLES: FUCK. YOU.

Hector and Achilles fight. Achilles whales on Hector for about fifteen minutes. Hector gets in one good blow on Achilles’ armor. Then Achilles spears him and stabs him and Hector dies. The Trojan royal family weeps. Achilles hitches Hector’s body up to his chariot and drags it back to Greek-Camp-by-the-Sea.



Greek-Camp-by-the-Sea

Priam sneaks into Achilles’ hut. He says he got past the guards because he knows the Trojan land better than the Greeks do, but I’m thinking they mostly just weren’t expecting THE KING OF TROY to come traipsing down into enemy territory.

PRIAM: Let me have my son’s body.

ACHILLES: No.

PRIAM: Let me have my son’s body.

ACHILLES: No.

PRIAM: Let me have my son’s body, please, and other eloquent things that have DEAR ACADEMY: FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION written on the screen beneath them.

ACHILLES: Well… since you put it that way.

PRIAM: OMG BRISEIS!

BRISEIS: OMG UNCLE!

ACHILLES: Hey, I’m feeling generous. You can go too, Temple Babe. We’ll always have Greek-Camp-by-the-Sea.

BRISEIS: . . .



Greek-Camp-by-the-Sea, The Next Day

AGAMEMNON: YOU DID WHAT?

ACHILLES: I gave them a twelve-day ceasefire for funeral games.

AGAMEMNON: OMGWTF! WE'RE TRYING TO INVADE AND YOU GAVE THEM TIME TO PLAY CANDYLAND?!?

Odysseus watches some guy whittling a highly symbolic wooden horse for his kid.

ODYSSEUS: Hey, you got any fiberglass shaped like burned wood that we could make into a giant horse to sneak our men into the city?

AGAMEMNON: I might… why?



Tragic Scene of Flaming Funeral

Priam and Paris torch Hector’s body.

Andromache: *tear*

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WAHHHHHHHHAWOHHHHHHHH!



Beach of Troy, The Next Day

PRIAM: Woot! The Greeks have left! And look! They left such a nice big horsie, too!

PROPHET: It’s an offering to Poseidon for a safe journey home.

PARIS: I say we burn it.

PROPHET: Son, you’ve been an idiot and a coward this whole movie. We’re not about to start listening to you now.

PRIAM: Besides, the Greeks couldn’t possibly have an ulterior motive for leaving a giant horse big enough to hide a couple dozen soldiers! Let’s bring it back to the city!



Inside the City of Troy

PEOPLE OF TROY: Paaaaaaartay!

PARIS: *mopes*

PEOPLE OF TROY: *get bombed and fall asleep in the gutter*

The Greeks climb out of the horse, affording the ladies in the audience a spectacular view.

WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: *wolf whistle SQUEEEE throw dollar bills at screen*

The Greeks kill all the tanked guards and let the rest of the army in. They set the city on fire, start killing everyone, and panic ensues.

ODYSSEUS: Achilles, where are you going?

ACHILLES: *scales up the palace wall like a ninja*



Inside the Palace of Troy

PARIS: Aight, everybody follow Andromache into the tunnel. Follow the river, etc.

HELEN: But Paris--

PARIS: Shut up, Helen. Hey! You! Kid!

KID: Yeah?

PARIS: What's your name?

KID: Aeneas!

PARIS: Can you take the Sword of Troy that my father gave me, and which will preserve our people as long as it remains in the hands of a Trojan, and go found Rome with it?

KID: Sure thing, man.

PARIS: Sweet.



Somewhere Else Inside the Palace of Troy

Everyone runs through the palace halls in a panic.

BRISEIS: Paris! Paris! Help, Paris!

ACHILLES: Briseis! Briseis! [pulling aside several women] YOU'RE NOT BRISEIS! BRISEIS!!

BRISEIS: Paris!

ACHILLES: Briseis!

BRISEIS: Paris!

ACHILLES: Briseis!

PRIAM [watching the city burn]: *tear*



Somewhere Inside the Palace Temples

The Greeks tear down all the statues of the gods and desecrate the temple.

PRIAM: Have you no honor?!

SWORD: *stabs Priam*

PRIAM: *dies*

AGAMEMNON [pulling out sword]: Hello! No, we don't!



Somewhere Else Inside the Palace of Troy

BRISEIS: Paris!

ACHILLES: Briseis!

BRISEIS: Paris!

ACHILLES: Briseis!

AGAMEMNON [grabs Briseis]: Oh, now we're gonna have some fun. I'm taking you home to work on your knees, Temple Babe, if you know what I mean and I think you do--

BRISEIS: *stabs Agamemnon in the neck*

AGAMEMNON: *dying* But... what about... Orestes and... Electra... they gotta kill my... *dies*

ACHILLES: Briseis!

BRISEIS: Achilles!

PARIS: *shoots Achilles in the heel*

BRISEIS: NOOOOOO!

PARIS: *gets his Legolas on, shoots Achilles 15 more times*

BRISEIS: PARIS, NOOOOOOOOOO!

PARIS: OH MY GOD, I FINALLY DO SOMETHING GOOD AND PEOPLE STILL YELL AT ME!

ACHILLES: Briseis, it's okay. Go with Paris. In the middle of war, you gave me peace. Or sex. Or something. It was real, yo.

BRISEIS: No!

ACHILLES: Briseis...go...

BRISEIS: No!

ACHILLES: Briseis...go...

BRISEIS: No!

ACHILLES: WOMAN, GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME DIE.

PARIS: *drags Briseis off*

ACHILLES: *dies*

GREEK SOLDIERS: *woe*



Tragic Scene of Flaming Funeral

Odysseus torches Achilles’ body while all the Greeks stand in the burnt-out ruins of Troy and watch.

ODYSSEUS: My brother… my captain… my—

SOME GREEK: Pssst! Wrong movie!

ODYSSEUS: Shit, sorry about that.

OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOHHHHH!

ODYSSEUS: So, please remember all the Greek heroes, because that’s what we died for. Not for greed or lust or hubris, but so that people would remember… our greed, and our lust, and our hubris. And, in conclusion: Cousins. They were totally cousins.

FIN.