Orlando Bloom is a fairy.
This was going to be a part of the post on Troy, but I decided that it wouldn't really be so much about Troy as it is about Orlando Bloom. I really don't understand all this fuss about Orlando Boyo. I mean, what the fuck? Am I glad that most of my female friends see him as what he truly is. A guy who looks like a kid. No, wait. Make that a lucky guy who looks like a kid. Why was he lucky? Because he got the part of Legolas in the Lord of The Rings series, which made him look cool on account of his being an elf and thus a) being immortal, b) having long, rebonded hair (kidding... rebonded hair sucks), c) being a dead shot with a bow and d) looking fresh and light on his feet at all times. That's all! That's his talent! Being lucky enough to be Legolas!

I concede that he was adequate as Legolas, but why the big fuss? Sir Ian Mckellen displayed far greater acting skills as Gandalf. Whatsisname who played Frodo is way prettier than Orlando. I mean, I hated the way Frodo was portrayed as such a weakling in the movie, but the guy is really pretty. Viggo Mortensen had much greater presence in the show too. Even Gimli was at least as memorable as Legolas because he was funny. I can only recall one impressive scene in LOTR involving Legolas, and that would be the scene where he kills the oliphuant, but any Tom's hairy dick could have done that scene because it was just computer animation!

Let's see what other big films Orlando Bloom has been in. There's Pirates of the Caribbean and there's Troy. Well, as far as I can see, as an actor, he has one expression. The earnest look. And then there's - oh wait, that's all he has. What the fuck? He basically wears that same expression throughout all the movies that he acts in and there are girls who say that he's a terrific actor. Jeez, give me a motherfucking break here. The twerp is as good an actor as Eminem, for chrissake. Oh wait, Eminem was actually pretty good in 8 Mile. Well, make that Keanu Reeves, then. Except that Keanu is at least actually good-looking.

This, of course, brings me to the next point. Orlando Bloom isn't even good-looking. His chin protrudes too much. A friend of mine says he has a body to die for in Troy. I mean, come the fuck on. Both Eric Bana and Brad Pitt looked way more buffed than he did. I think the director deliberately wanted to make him look like a wimp, so to be fair, that's not his fault. No wait, actually it is, because if he hadn't looked like such a fucking wimp in the first place, he probably wouldn't have been cast in that role. I could empathise entirely with Menelaus when he shouted to Helen after basically smacking Orlando around like Orlando was his bitch, "Is this what you left me for?" Come the fuck on, Orlando is like Justin Timberlake, only less talented (at least Justin can dance).

Here's a list of people more talented and more good-looking than Orlando Bloom:

Talent	Looks
Everyone else	Just about everyone else

There you go, now you know who to worship instead of that annoying little twit. Anyways, here's a conversation between me and the Evil Canadian regarding Orlando.

[02:58:43 AM] chow beng: dude
[02:58:49 AM] chow beng: what do you think of orlando bloom?
[02:59:09 AM] Pieter: he's an annoying pretty boy with absolutely no
acting talent
[02:59:19 AM] chow beng: THANK YOU
[02:59:22 AM] Pieter: and gay
[02:59:24 AM] chow beng: jeez
[02:59:45 AM] Pieter: I will place him in the gulag camps when I take
over the world
[02:59:46 AM] chow beng: it's annoying how many hormone-charged girls
think he's gorgeous
[03:00:03 AM] chow beng: i mean, his chin protrudes too much
[03:00:51 AM] Pieter: dude
[03:00:54 AM] Pieter: he's just a fairy
[03:01:20 AM] chow beng: fairy?
[03:01:31 AM] Pieter: a fruitcake
[03:01:41 AM] chow beng: ah
[03:01:45 AM] chow beng: that he is
[03:02:20 AM] Pieter: you should slap on some elf ears and blonde hair
extensions. you'd get laid so much.
[03:02:28 AM] chow beng: lol
[03:02:37 AM] chow beng: maybe i should
[03:02:51 AM] Pieter: tight green spandex too
[03:03:03 AM] chow beng: lol  ¶
Permalink

If you don't like what I say, why not subscribe me for some porn?