Troy kicks ass... for the first hour or so, that is.
Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity...

So the show Troy starts. Since everybody's been writing reviews of it, I figured that I'd write my own. Besides, all the reviews I've read so far have been stupid. Overall, I'd say it rocks because of the vast amounts of ass-kicking done by Brad Pitt in the show. That said, I do think that there are many parts of the movie which left a lot to be desired. Firstly, it did not adhere to the Homeric legend of Troy (the Iliad) at all. Granted, I (charitably) assume that the makers of the movie were going for something like a recreation of the real events on which the legends were based, so I shall say nothing of the omission of the gods from the movie, but come on, the 15 day war of Troy? Like, what the fuck? It was supposed to last for ten fucking years, for chrissake. I think narrative license has been taken too far. And here's another factoid: Patroclus was supposed to be Achilles' older cousin, so how come he's just a stupid kid in this retelling?

Ajax was supposed to have duelled with Hector, but Hector never did kill him. Ajax committed suicide. Also, Helen was supposed to have despised Paris for being such a fucking coward, and rightly so. Supposedly, Paris never did get to fuck Helen and Helen eventually went back with Menelaus (who, in the Iliad, survived the war), but not before Paris died. Paris was never supposed to have become a brave man again (if shooting arrows from behind at a man who had just saved your cousin can be considered courageous). Nope, according to the Iliad, Paris remained a coward to the end. He ran away from the duel with Menelaus, but Hector wasn't there to kill Menelaus for him. There are way more discrepancies than these, but you can go read the Iliad yourself.

Another thing about the movie which sucked ass was the usual Hollywood attempt to glorify adultery. They did it in the fucking Titanic, and they're doing it in Troy too. Paris was supposed to have been married to some chick named Oenone and Helen, of course, was married to Menelaus. Yet the movie tries to portray the fucking affair in such a way as to imply that adultery is ok if you don't like your husband. Yes, that's a fucking wonderful family value to impart to the children. Let's all go fuck other people's wives and steal them from their husbands, eh? Let's just get one thing straight here. Adultery committed in the name of love is not adultery and hence not wrong. Nah. It's still adultery and it's still wrong, you motherfuckers.

In fact, the only part of the movie which rocked was Achilles. I think calling the movie "Troy" was a misnomer. It should have been called "Achilles" instead. Why? Because Achilles killed tons of people. I like that. Added to that, the action was pretty distinctive in the sense that it did not seem to be trying to ape Hong Kong martial arts flicks like so many other Hollywood movies are doing. Don't get me wrong, Hong Kong martial arts movies are the most well-choreographed action movies in the world, but it would have been surprising and not a bit weird to hear Hector or Achilles muttering "I know kung fu". Well, as I was saying, Achilles as the fierce unstoppable killer was pretty cool. Achilles as the sentimental, sensitive love wreck was just typical Hollywood stupidity. Achilles never did fall for Briseis anyway, save maybe in the sort of way one might love a sex slave.

Eric Bana aka the Incredible Hulk aka Hector acted pretty well in the movie too, but Hector was a sentimental fool and a nice guy in the movie and I hate nice guys because they always end up getting owned by the bad guys in the real world. Just like Hector got thoroughly owned by Achilles in the movie. Well, at least they got that part right...

My advice to you guys if you haven't watched Troy is this. Get the fuck out of the theater after Achilles kills Hector, because it only goes downhill from there.  ¶
Permalink

If you don't like what I say, why not subscribe me for some porn?