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Friday, March 26, 2004
Do the world a favour: kill yourself

The Evil Canadian once told me that I was a punk. Do I agree? Well, I guess that depends on your definition of the word "punk". For instance, if by "punk" you mean "amazingly smart, totally cool and awesomely godlike", well, yes, I guess I would have to concede that I do possess some punkish qualities. If by "punk" you meant "someone who has no respect for anyone" (the more widely-used definition), then I would have to disagree. I respect myself. A lot. I practically stand in awe of me. That's because I have insane skills. Which brings us to what I'm going to talk about today. Self-respect or rather, confidence.

In my case, it's perfectly understandable why I'm so amazingly self-assured. It's because of aforementioned insane skills. However, these days, it seems that everyone thinks that they're actually worth something. It's because of all the self-help gurus and their books that are out there. Everybody's convinced that they have what it takes to become millionaires, that they can have good sexual relationships with their partners, that they can influence others, that they can have better memory, that they can perform mental calculations... the list goes on.

Reality check for all you stupid fuckers: You're just as worthless as everyone else. Come on, who are we kidding here? There are more than 6 billion people aimlessly crawling around in the world today. How many of them become exceptional and influential people? Precious few. Less than 1%. And you think after reading a few self-help books that you are destined to be an exceptional person? You? I have a question for you, genius. How many others amongst the other 6 billion people do you think have read exactly the same books as you have? Doesn't the fact that they're still freaking nobodies suggest something to you? Something like you're never gonna fucking make it?

People like us are rare. That's why we're called "exceptional" people. The rest of you peons and lesser mortals exist for the sole purpose of showing us that we're exceptional, and also to be head counts and/or cannon fodder of course. You are the pawns in the chess games that we play against each other. That's the way it is, and that's the way it's always going to be.

Here's some self-help for you guys.

Give up! Believe me, it will make things better in the long run. The longer you delude yourself, the harder it will be to give up your delusions, and who wants to be a deadbeat 70-year-old with washed-out dreams and boundless misguided enthusiasm? Grow a pair. Face reality. Since you have a depressing existence, do not be afraid to actually be depressed. I can hear some of the less stupid ones among you asking "Great One, but how do we embark on our depressing new existence?" Fear not, cannon fodder, I will provide you with a simple guide on how to live out the rest of your life in misery. One so simple that even you could not possibly mess it up.

1. Wake up.
2. Grimace and wince at the fact that you're actually still alive.
3. Force yourself through washing up and breakfast.
4. Take a bus or the subway to your dead-end job, because it's unlikely that you will ever own a car.
5. Grind through the rest of the day like the mindless automaton that you actually are.
6. Drag yourself home.
7. Worship at the altar of self-pity.
8. Spend some time contemplating the heart-warming fact that it's going to be like this for the rest of your life.
9. Cry your dumb ass to sleep.
10. Repeat 1-9

And there you have it. My simple, 10 step guide to the Way of Eventual Suicide. Start practicing it now and see the effects in your life! It will definitely change your life, maybe even help end it! You will perceive the true nature of things, and stop hallucinating about auras and all the rest of that stupid bullshit. You will gain True Insight.

You will be enlightened.
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