I rock, you suck
Donate to my Beer Fund

If you enjoyed/hated my blog/have money to burn/are crazy, why not give me your money?
All you have to do is click on the button above.
No? Well, go on to the posts below, then, you prick.

Sunday, November 06, 2005
Theory Of Relativity

We all know that Einstein formulated the theory of relativity. Basically, in non-mathematical terms, the theory of relativity states that time and distance are not absolute, but are relative to the observer. This is intuitively obvious to everyone, actually, because we all know that time passes faster when you're having a good time.

However, the reverse is also true. Time passes more slowly when you're having a bad time. Once you realise this fact, you will also realise that the practical implications of this principle are limitless.

Take, for example, all you lazy bums out there who are studying right now. This being the exam period, no doubt you're all complaining that there isn't enough time to study, when actually, you just haven't put in enough work all semester and hence brought this predicament upon yourselves. But hark! All is not lost.

To solve your problem, all you need to do is to apply the theory of relativity. You see, time passes slowly when you're not enjoying yourself. Assuming a directly proportional relationship between the amount of negative fun you're having and the stretching of time, we have a graph like so.

It is obvious from this graph that the less fun one has, the longer each moment lasts. This is a very nice and elegant theory. Unfortunately, however, it is not valid. A proper scientific approach dictates that when empirical observations disagree with theoretical predictions, you junk the theory and come up with a better one.

Now, the fact that the above theory is incorrect can be proven by conducting a simple experiment. Go to church. Or go attend a lecture on the geo-political implications of the financial effects of chaos theory as applied to the mating habits of the lowly dung beetle. Notice how every moment seems to last forever?

As we all know, forever is an infinite amount of time. A moment, on the other hand, is an infinitesimally small amount of time. For a very small amount of time to be stretched to infinity (or something very large), the warping factor must also be infinity. Let f be the warping factor, m be the moment, and r be the relative time.

r = fm ==> f = r/m -- (1)

Since m is effectively 0 and r is effectively infinity, we have

f = ∞/0 = ∞ -- (2)

With that in mind, we now examine the amount of -fun you were having. According to the previous theory, to get a time-warping factor of ∞, you'd have to be having fun of a magnitude of about -∞. This is clearly incorrect, because as boring as church is, it is obviously not an infinitely bad time. For your fun to be -∞, you'd have to have been having a Really Bad Time, which you weren't. You were merely bored. It could have been worse. You could have been tortured, or been forced to listen to the Spice Girls.

You could even have been forced to watch Jack Neo.

I apologise if I may have scared any of you, but it was necessary to illustrate my point. I'm sure you all see what I mean now. Taking the above into account, we now have a much more accurate theory about the relation between -fun and the time-warping factor. The graph is shown below.

Clearly, the relationship between the amount of -fun you're having and the time-stretching factor is an exponential one. Now, we come to the practical part for you unfortunate lazy bums out there who really should have studied earlier for your exams. All you need to do to generate more time for your last minute muggings is to hate studying. The less you enjoy it, the more time stretches, and the more time you have to study. The less time you have, the more you have to hate it. If you master this technique, you could possibly study for all your subjects within one minute.

Practitioners of this art should bear in mind some associated dangers, however. Remember that while you're in stretched time, you must not talk to others, eat, sleep or engage in any other activities that might give you +fun. The biggest danger of course, is sleep. Sleep is obviously enjoyable to you, since you're a lazy bum (technical term: nua tang), and by the theory of relativity, this will cause an almost infinite shortening of the moments. You may find, upon closing and opening your eyes, that 10 hours have passed in an instant and that you're late for your paper.

The author takes no responsibility for
nua tangs who fail their exams due to improper application of the theory outlined above. Furthermore, the author cautions that experiments have been conducted wherein subjects have starved to death in 5 objective minutes while watching reruns of 搞笑行动, hence time-stretching through non-enjoyment should be used only when absolutely necessary.

Thanks to Fu Wei Qiang for the MSN nick that inspired this post paper.
HAHAHAHA its high time someone actually put this into words. intuitive stuff!
haha brilliant.
Brilliant shit you've got there. Oh hey, wait. You just gave me +fun! You just negated all the time-stretching that I've been deriving all this while! Screw you, Adrian!

lee lau bu ai klu china hor!
Hahaha ....
Fucking entertaining

Feel better after reading this .

THx dude ~~!!!

Cont my cb boring work


All the best for your exams, man.
That reminds me of a scary dream I had this morning. In the dream, I "woke up" to find that it was already three o clock in the afternoon. My paper started at one thirty. So I was screaming and almost going crazy and my father didn't want to drive me to school. He said something like: "It's your own fault." Then I was thinking: This must be a dream. It must be a dream.

But I didn't wake up until I accepted what happened. When I really woke up, it was nine thirty. Really gave me a scare.
SB's story is just what I dream about during ALL exams period. Usually will awake with a pseudo-heart attack.
Bah! Exams! No sweat dude, u can do it! :D
Thanks for all the comments telling me I'm fucking brilliant. Yes, I totally agree.

sb: Dude, are you sure you saw me at the exam hall or are you still dreaming?
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

Laughing at the cosmic gag reel since March '04!

L.E.W.D (click to know more):

Fred And Phil


Hot Babe Blogs:

Other Blogs (that are not quite as good as mine):


Recent Posts:


To Those Who Wish To Link Me:

Due to the fact that my ego is a humongous, bloated monstrousity, it is not highly unlikely that I wouldn't say no to your linking my blog, so there is no need to ask me.

Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

Powered by Blogger

Ablewise.com Free Classifieds - The Online Classifieds Solutions (TM)

free dating sites

Get custom programming done at GetACoder.com!