Theory Of Relativity
We all know that Einstein formulated the theory of relativity. Basically, in non-mathematical terms, the theory of relativity states that time and distance are not absolute, but are relative to the observer. This is intuitively obvious to everyone, actually, because we all know that time passes faster when you're having a good time.
However, the reverse is also true. Time passes more slowly when you're having a bad time. Once you realise this fact, you will also realise that the practical implications of this principle are limitless.
Take, for example, all you lazy bums out there who are studying right now. This being the exam period, no doubt you're all complaining that there isn't enough time to study, when actually, you just haven't put in enough work all semester and hence brought this predicament upon yourselves. But hark! All is not lost.
To solve your problem, all you need to do is to apply the theory of relativity. You see, time passes slowly when you're not enjoying yourself. Assuming a directly proportional relationship between the amount of negative fun you're having and the stretching of time, we have a graph like so.
It is obvious from this graph that the less fun one has, the longer each moment lasts. This is a very nice and elegant theory. Unfortunately, however, it is not valid. A proper scientific approach dictates that when empirical observations disagree with theoretical predictions, you junk the theory and come up with a better one.
Now, the fact that the above theory is incorrect can be proven by conducting a simple experiment. Go to church. Or go attend a lecture on the geo-political implications of the financial effects of chaos theory as applied to the mating habits of the lowly dung beetle. Notice how every moment seems to last forever?
As we all know, forever is an infinite amount of time. A moment, on the other hand, is an infinitesimally small amount of time. For a very small amount of time to be stretched to infinity (or something very large), the warping factor must also be infinity. Let f
be the warping factor, m
be the moment, and r
be the relative time.
r = fm ==> f = r/m -- (1)
is effectively 0 and r
is effectively infinity, we have
f = ∞/0 = ∞ -- (2)
With that in mind, we now examine the amount of -fun you were having. According to the previous theory, to get a time-warping factor of ∞, you'd have to be having fun of a magnitude of about -∞. This is clearly incorrect, because as boring as church is, it is obviously not an infinitely bad time. For your fun to be -∞, you'd have to have been having a Really Bad Time, which you weren't. You were merely bored. It could have been worse. You could have been tortured, or been forced to listen to the Spice Girls.
You could even have been forced to watch Jack Neo.
I apologise if I may have scared any of you, but it was necessary to illustrate my point. I'm sure you all see what I mean now. Taking the above into account, we now have a much more accurate theory about the relation between -fun and the time-warping factor. The graph is shown below.
Clearly, the relationship between the amount of -fun you're having and the time-stretching factor is an exponential one. Now, we come to the practical part for you unfortunate lazy bums out there who really should have studied earlier for your exams. All you need to do to generate more time for your last minute muggings is to hate studying. The less you enjoy it, the more time stretches, and the more time you have to study. The less time you have, the more you have to hate it. If you master this technique, you could possibly study for all your subjects within one minute.
Practitioners of this art should bear in mind some associated dangers, however. Remember that while you're in stretched time, you must not talk to others, eat, sleep or engage in any other activities that might give you +fun. The biggest danger of course, is sleep. Sleep is obviously enjoyable to you, since you're a lazy bum (technical term: nua tang
), and by the theory of relativity, this will cause an almost infinite shortening of the moments. You may find, upon closing and opening your eyes, that 10 hours have passed in an instant and that you're late for your paper.Disclaimer:
The author takes no responsibility for
nua tangs who fail their exams due to improper application of the theory outlined above. Furthermore, the author cautions that experiments have been conducted wherein subjects have starved to death in 5 objective minutes while watching reruns of 搞笑行动, hence time-stretching through non-enjoyment should be used only when absolutely necessary.
Thanks to Fu Wei Qiang for the MSN nick that inspired this