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Friday, March 10, 2006
5 of Life's Simple Pleasures

I was just reading Dr Fletcher's most recent post in which he does a meme passed to him by fcukling. At the end of the post, he says, "Here is the point where I'm supposed to tag others to do this, but I'm going to be totally non-conformist and rebellious by saying that cool people do not do memes. Oh yeah."

I notice that it's the trend these days when doing memes to put in these little disclaimers about how you don't usually do memes or to show your uniqueness by not passing on the meme to others. Well, I was the first one to actually do that.

For real, I invented the "anti-meme is cool" schtick, and if you don't believe me, well, that's because I'm lying.

So anyway, it used to be really cool back when there were only a couple of us doing it, but now, everyone who thinks of him/herself as a non-conformist (but who really isn't) is spouting that crap whenever they do a meme. Well, guess what? Since I am the ultimate authority on coolness, I hereby decree that it's not cool to do that anymore.

So there.

In fact, no one out-non-conforms or out-rebels me. I'm hereby taking it one step further. I'm not conforming to the non-conformists and rebelling against the rebels. I'm going to do this meme without even being asked to do so, because that's the new cool thing to do.

So there.

1. Cracking into government computers.

I realise that this may not be a simple pleasure for everyone, but it's a cinch to crack 256-bit encryption manually when you have been blessed with a mind that can monitor and predict the movements of every fundamental particle in the universe while having lunch in a noisy canteen. Yes, I've heard of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, but it's wrong, you see. Yes, I can, in fact, predict everything that will happen, including what all you mutts are doing or even thinking of doing. PH34R.

Cracking 512-bit encryption takes slightly more time. About an hour for me.

2. Beating Garry Kasparov at chess.

It's a little-known fact that Garry Kasparov plays 4-dimensional chess with me every Sunday afternoon. Of course, the games are unfair. So he uses Deep Blue to help him along, which prolongs the game by about 2 minutes before I tell him exactly how I could checkmate him in 20 moves in 251,395,697 different ways. These are, of course, games where I don't use my queen.

3. Counting.

I love counting. I count whenever I'm bored. I've counted to infinity. Twice. Starting from negative infinity. With 7,000,000^99999 decimal places.

4. Kicking asses.

Much as I love peace, I realise that violence is sometimes necessary. I hence practise the deadly lost ancient Korean martial art Pwn Joor Es. Every Friday, I open an inter-dimensional portal by punching a hole through the space-time continuum with both hands tied behind my back. Then, I travel through the portal to the Marvel universe, where I train at Pwn Joor Es by duking it out with The Incredible Hulk, Galactus, Thor and Juggernaut. I kill all of them, because as everyone knows, nobody ever dies in comics and they always come back.

5. Recreating the universe.

A balanced lifestyle must include both work and recreation. I, however, find little joy in recreating in small ways, so I destroy and recreate the universe every week with all your memories intact.

I'm not going to tag anyone, because I, too, am non-conformist and rebellious and, damn it all, cool people just don't do memes.
So, Deep Thought...

Oh never mind, you should already know what I'm going to ask.
Heheheh, were you going to ask what some other dude asked you in response to your post?
CB counting sent me in stitches lor! Hahahaha! Fuck.
sweet. but then, you knew i was gonna say that.
Heh, thanks anyway, dude.
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The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
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Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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