Writers and advertisers for beauty magazines are so smart and cool
Just the other day, I was on the bus when an ad for a fashion magazine came on. The advertisers said some shit about learning how to be unique from the magazine. Wow. This is obviously some new usage of the word "unique" that I was previously unaware of. Apparently, anyone can now learn how to be unique and express her "individuality" just by slavishly following the tips given to her by some trashy chick magazine.
And all this time, I was under the impression that the word "unique" referred to things or people that are one of a kind, which would be impossible to accomplish if everyone (or even just one
other person) followed the instructions in that magazine. I feel so embarrassed for my lack of comprehension of such a simple word. This is so totally my bad. I am so glad that I had such a good vapid bitch periodical to straighten me out. Now I understand that I, too, can be unique, just like everyone else! (heavy, heavy sarcasm)
Then the advertiser went on to proclaim that celebrities were giving out their beauty secrets in the magazine. Ooh, now I understand why not everyone is as beautiful as the people I see on television. It's because those people have some secret formula they practise which makes them look the way they look. Get real. These people depend on their looks for their livelihoods. If there really was some secret that they use to stay beautiful, do you really think they'd be so altruistic as to give it away and forfeit their advantage? Fuck, no. The only reason why they're giving away their "beauty secrets" is that they know that they have something you don't and will never have. They were born beautiful, you poor, gullible, stupid and, above all, ugly bitches. You, on the other hand, were not born beautiful and will thus never be famous. You are ugly and will never escape the sea of mediocrity. Repeat after me: I am ugly and will always be at best mediocre.
Now, stop giving the airheads who write these dumb fuck magazines and who advertise for them your money, for chrissake, and get with the real world. It's a good thing I was born perfect. Jeez, why are people so desperately dumb that they will believe anything anyone says which makes them feel better about themselves?