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Monday, May 23, 2005
 
Silly Celly's New Address And Star Wars Episode III Spoilers

The famous tushees has moved. However, I'm not putting the new link in my sidebar just yet, because she apparently hasn't gotten it set up well and good yet. I clicked on the link just now and it timed out on me. Seeing as I'm probably like, the sole source of blogosphere news in your sorry-ass lives, I'll post an update as soon as the link doesn't fucking hang on me again.

Update: Yeah, I have linked Celle's new blog in my sidebar. Do go visit and if it's not too much trouble, do register in moblog to post comments. Personally, I prefer blogspot (this is me being very, very polite about moblog on account of trying not to diss the host of a fellow LEWD member), but Celle has her own reasons for relocating, which you can read about on her old blog. LEWD kicks ass!

Also, since I'm a semi-fame whore, it was very heartening to see that the number of hits did not drop by much even when I was on hiatus. Actually, I'm still on hiatus, since my report is still pretty much a work in progress, but I think that such blind devotion from you guys deserves some small reward. Why do I say "blind devotion"? Well, it most certainly must be blind, considering the fact that I insult you pricks with just about every other post. It's really fucking amazing that everyone thinks I'm referring to everybody else except themselves when I say stuff like "you're all a bunch of fucking morons", but hey, whatever serves the cause.

Update: I have finished my frikkin report, woohoo!

Anyway, as I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, such devotion deserves some small reward, so here's my review of Star Wars III. Enjoy.

Or not. Whatever.




Ok, so I went to watch Star Wars Episode III on Thursday. Man, it was so fucking cool. They promised to answer all the unanswered questions or something, and I must say that they have succeeded admirably in that aim. Ok, let me narrate the story for you cunts.

When the show starts, the fucking-boyband-member wannabe and his master Obi-Wan Kenobi were on their way to rescue Senator Palpatine, who, incidentally, resembles another person of power in our world. Coincidence? I think not.



They kicked ass, of course, since they are frikkin badass Jedi Knights with frikkin laser swords. Ever wondered how come lightsabers, having no material substance and all, can clash against each other? Frikkin' stupid, right? Lightsaber duels should actually consist mostly of nervous dodging, I should think. Seriously, Star Wars is cool and all, but anyone who claims that Star Wars is good sci-fi is a nutter. You want true sci-fi, go read something like Robert A. Heinlein, Isaac Asimov or Arthur C. Clarke, you wimps. Science fiction, by definition, has to be based on science. There's precious little of that in Star Wars. Anyway, so they're supposed to be frikkin badass Jedi Knights, even though Obi-Wan Kenobi looks a little on the portly side and boyband-member wannabe looks like he'd cry if he lost his lipstick.



So they return to wherever it is their home is, and poor boyband-member wannabe gets the shock of his life when he discovers that . . . Padme is not his wife. Padme's a MAN, baby, yeah! Come on, you should have seen this coming. I mean, there were obvious hints all along, like when Padme was a Senator in Episode II? Hello, we all know women can't run for public office, not in this world and not in Star Wars, duh. Ronan Keating Joey McIntyre Hayden Christensen (sorry, they all look alike to me) discovered this awful truth because he walked in on Padme early in the morning, before "she" had finished shaving off "her" bristles and chest hair.



Naturally, boyband-member wannabe was pretty fucking upset, and immediately went for a drunken binge on the planet of the Wookies. Chewbacca, who was a young, loose Wookie at the time, slept with wannabe and got impregnated. They decided to name their kid Hans Solo because wannabe, being a drunken idiot, kept remarking that the Wookie's "hands" were "so low", because Chewbacca has long arms. What an idiot. Oh, come on, that was pretty obvious too. Tell me you didn't suspect that Hans Solo and Chewbacca were related. Tell me you didn't suspect that there were female Wookies.



So then, Yoda joins them for a night of drunken debauchery, along with his brother, Jabba the Hutt. Yes, in this episode, they finally reveal what I have been suspecting for some time. Yoda and Jabba are related. It was pretty obvious. The bad English was a dead giveaway. Jabba just ate too much pizza, hence the appellation "The Hut" (joke plagiarised from Space Balls). The extra "t" was just a typo by George Lucas.



Unfortunately, boyband-member wannabe drank too much because he's too fucking sissy to hold his liquor, and ended up almost dying from Tequila poisoning, so they had to amputate his limbs. Due to the fact that he smoked, like, 20 sticks and his faggotty lungs couldn't take it, they had to fit him with artificial lungs as well. The moral of the story here is, of course, don't be a fucking sissy boyband-member wannabe.

Well, at least he became more manly after his fucking operation.

Meanwhile, the nice Pope Senator was justly elected to lead the emerging Empire. The bloody robots, of course, were not pleased, because robots are just like that. Hey, if Will Smith doesn't trust them, neither should you. Trust in the Fresh Prince, man. So anyway, the robots hatched a plot to use the genes of the sissy Hayden to create two children who could be brainwashed into growing up to hate the peace-loving emperor. They had plenty of Hayden splooge available because the sicko often used the poor robots to satisfy his perverted desires. Yes, you may think they're pretty innocent, but notice the evil red glow in their mechanical eyes when you're not looking in their direction.



And that's how the movie went. Honest.

P.S. Here's some funny Star Wars shit.
 
Comments:
wah the hokkien star wars is damn old leh - i think they released it around the time of episode 1, or maybe even when they re-released the otiginal trilogy in the cinemas! super long ago sia.
 
Yeah, I've had it since it first got on air and someone recorded it. I thought this would be a good time to re-release it on the blogosphere, haha.
 
worth the wait, this was.

plain fucking awesome man.
 
I still think the faggot should be involved with the gay tin man.
 
-_-"

Strong in the Dark Side, you are.

Expected this, I should have.

You left out how nobody could stand Jar Jar Binks anymore and he was killed when the Senate decided to pelt him to death with wet tissue paper.
 
What about the ewoks!?
Why do they taste like chicken!?

But much potential you have young one.
Fall to the darkside.
You hear its call.
 
wongcheok: thanks man.

Feisty Bitch: Nah, I think his using the robots as sex toys seemed like a better idea.

Ivan: Yeah, I left it out because WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT JAR JAR BINKS??

Sid: Well, because we're all in the Matrix and the architect has no originality. Hence everything tastes like chicken.
 
dude, thats some freakin funny shit. awesome-ness!
 
Thanks, babe. Flattery will get you everywhere.
 
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