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Friday, May 13, 2005
How Not To Write A Shitass Blog

Various people have asked me, in various ways and at various times in various places, various questions about my blog. One of the most common questions has been something along the lines of "how do you think of the ideas for such awesome kickass stuff?". Unwilling to give away trade secrets, I usually either just smile mysteriously or make up some shit about the Fucking Fountain of Fucking Creativity, goddammmit. I even wrote a post about how to write kickass blogs in the past, but all it actually did was to tell the people reading it to go to hell. However, I have had a change of heart. The reason for this is that I do not think it is an easy thing to learn, if it can even be learnt. Hence, I shall not-so-generously tell you schmucks how I think of ideas for my fucking awesome blog.

Here's the answer. I don't really fucking know. Sometimes, I do plan my posts. I'd be on the train or walking around somewhere, when an idea hits me and, hey, why not? I flesh it out in my mind and I blog about it when I get home. Most of the time, however, I simply sit down at my keyboard and do some textual doodling. As the term suggests, it is doodling, except with text instead of pictures. I simply ramble until something funny hits me and then I flesh it out a little, trim it a little and publish it. Of course, since there is no discipline or structure involved in this approach, I sometimes end up with shite posts.

However, the fact that I'm a god means that what I consider shite is still pure gold to you mere mortals (the rest of my posts are platinum).

Ok, enough crapping around. (Heheheh, crapping around, geddit? This is probably the epitome of humour to you maggots.) I suppose I could write some dumb, long post about my theories on creativity and the sources of inspiration, but in the end, it would all be pure twaddle, because no one really understands how it works, and don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise. I've read some books before that have described structured approaches towards getting ideas, but they don't really work for me. I mean, yes, those methods do generate ideas, but more often than not, they're boring ones, quite unlike the ideas that pop up as a result of true creativity. Don't ask me to name any of those books, because I've forgotten their titles, and as I said, they probably wouldn't do you much good anyway. I think the process varies from person to person. You have to find your own groove, your own beat, your own flow. If you asked, for example, the Big Fuck what he does when he sits down to write his awesome entries, chances are that he will give very different answers from the ones I'd give.

Basically, I think it all comes down to talent. Creativity, originality and humour are very rare in people, or we wouldn't value creative people so much and Jerry Seinfeld wouldn't be a millionaire. Note that there is a difference between creative people and arts fags. Arts fags are people who think that they're creative, but aren't. At least, not usually. You can be creative in many fields and not just arts. For that matter, I think artistry exists at the top levels of almost every field, but that's not really the point of this post. The point of this post is to tell you what to do in order to write kickass posts, or something like that.

Since, as I've already said, the creative process varies from person to person, it is probably impossible to actually tell you how to think of ideas. Instead, let's do this by elimination. As Sherlock Holmes, or some other logical dude, once said, "When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the answer." Ok, I'm not sure about the exact wording and, being in the office and all, I have no way to check, but it was probably something like that. What that means here is that I shall tell you dullards what are the things that you shouldn't do if you wish to write kickass blogs like mine.

1. Don't write about posts from other blogs.

You see, if you read other blogs, and they happen to kick ass like mine does, chances are that you, being such an impressionable idiot, will end up trying to imitate the blog you're reading.

No, you won't write about that. You'll just end up writing exactly that. Because you're so fucking stupid.

2. If you must write about posts from other blogs, don't agree with it.

Yes, if you are really so devoid of creativity that you can only get your inspiration from other blogs, write about the posts you disagree with. At least you won't be doing something redundant. For example, check out the Big Fuck's parody post about making stupid faces.

3. Don't write about your life.

Unless you're a secret agent, terrorist, pirate or astronaut, chances are that your life is exactly the same as everybody else's. Fuck you, we don't care that your hamster died.

Nope, we don't want to know that and we don't fucking care. Who the fuck is James, anyway?

4. Don't write for the sake of writing.

What can I say, not everyone can just sit down at their keyboards and crap out golden shite like I do. So if you're not a supergenius like I am, write only when you have really good ideas. At least then people will tend to think of you as a guy who's busy but has good ideas rather than an idiot who thinks of something cool once in a fucking blue moon but can't usually write for shit.

It only takes a few consecutive crappy posts to turn people off your blog forever, and then no one will visit it again even if you write something cool.

5. Don't post too many pictures.

Come the fuck on, everybody's doing it, so it's no longer novel or even interesting.

No, it bloody well won't. Seriously, people are just going to think you can't fucking read or write, ok? So lay off on the dumb pictures, please.

6. Don't teach other people how to blog

Please, who the fuck do you think you are? Who even fucking cares about what blogs you think are cool?

Again, no, it bloody well won't. All people will think is that you're an obnoxious, arrogant prick and also an asshole.

There you have it, my humble readers. My tips on how to write a blog that may not kick ass, but at least won't suck abysmally.

Disclaimer: In case you're so fucking dumb you haven't noticed (which you probably are), I've done all of these things. You can take it as being either that I think I'm above all these petty rules or that I'm making a stab at self-deprecating humour for the novelty of it.

Cool links of the day.
I'm going to write about my Evil Hamster when it dies. Frankly I hope that it won't happen, but death is a certain thing. (Besides, if it dies the main character of the series is gone. How am I going to continue?)
Your stick figures kick ass!
nice one. :) i do agree with writing post about the stuff you don't agree with. creates more controversy.
What if people write about your posts to suck up to you leh?

Wah lau..
Does that mean tat they're stupid and dumb too?
sb: get another hamster.

Feisty Bitch: But of course. Anything I crapped out of my keyboard and mouse can only be the epitome of the highest degree of ass-kickery.

milktea: it's not for controversy per se, but if you're gonna write the same thing as the other person, you might as well just post a link.

sid: Ah, that's different. Sucking up to yours truly is one of the more honourably occupations in the world. Only smart people do it.
Why, hello, kitten.
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