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Wednesday, June 22, 2005
 
Guide To Blog Popularity

Some time back, Injenue and I met up and we were talking about blogs and shit. I was bemoaning the fact that even though Blinkymummy put up a web counter later than I did, her number of hits are rapidly catching up with mine. Naturally, we went through the usual remedies; putting up more pictures, getting some tits, putting up more pictures of me with tits, etc.

A while later, though, our ramblings began to take a darker twist. We started to speculate about various mind control methods that we could use in order to control the herd (that's you chumps). Injenue said that it would actually not be all that difficult to write a counter that would increment by more than one everytime we got a hit. That would already naturally look impressive. However, I doubt that would be enough to actually make your blog a popular one.

You see, there must be something about your blog to fascinate people who come to read it. Since your objective, given that you're a fame whore, is fame, you should therefore concentrate on letting people know that you're famous, even if you actually aren't. After thinking about it, I have come up with some ideas on how to make your blog more popular without doing too much blog-whoring.


  1. Pick a magic number, any number. What was that? 2? Wrong. 5? Wrong. 10? Wrong. 3? Correct. 7? Correct again! 67? Even better! This will presently be explained.

  2. Modify your hit counter to increment by the magic number for every hit you get. Now, the reason for choosing those numbers I mentioned is that if you picked a number such as 2 or 5 or 10, sooner or later people would notice. This is because the multiples of these numbers are too regular. Best to pick a large prime number so as to escape detection. No one's going to notice anything strange if your blog increments by 617 for every hit, because most of you idiots cannot multiply or add by more than 3.

  3. With every other post, tell people how many (imaginary) hits your site has had today. Tell people how fucking famous you are. Because you're all a bunch of fucking morons, people will believe you and although they do not really enjoy your blog that much, they will still come back again and again just to see why in hell's name you're so popular.

  4. Make up fake hate mails that people have sent to you and post them up on your blog. Nothing grabs readers' attentions quite like venom and vitriol does. And besides, only playas get haytahs, right? Of course, I'm right.

  5. Register a whole bunch of user IDs and use them to comment on your own blog as if you were other people. Comments beget comments, after all, and if you keep up this soliloquy, sooner or later, your readers will feel compelled to join in. I mean, seriously, do you think that all the comments on my blog are from real people? Come on, you honestly believed that Lupin Tan is a real person? Christ, people are so fucking naive. There is no such person as Lupin, my friends. I just made that freak up so that people will know how diverse my readers are.



So there you have it, my friends. A simple 5-step guide to keeping readers who chance across your blog, presented proudly by I Rock, You Suck. If you really liked it, contribute to my Beer Fund, like thousands of other people have already done before you, you parsimonious prick.
 
Comments:
Hey....the techniques you listed, reminds me of certain blogger whose name begins with an "X". :P Well, points 3 and 4 anyway.
 
Adrain, I think we should just tell them the true before people think you are schzo.

Dear all who are reading this comment.

Adrain paid me $2K, I repeat, S$2000 freaking dollar to create publicity.

The plan is damn simple. Since BlinkyMummy has been in the recent news for positive publicity and since people is reading it, I will reply to every blog made by BlinkyMummy to made sure the mine prescene is there. Then slowly but surely, I will still quoting Adrain every here and there in BlinkyMummy's Blog

e.g "Groupies and Cyber Stalkers"

and made the final move by commenting in his blog every now and then also.

I very sorry I had to stoop so low to get the money, but I have no choice, I got a elderly mother, and I have to take care of my young siblings who just started schools. And Yes, mine dad left me, and I didn't even got the chance to say Happy Father's Day.

Will you all forgive me?

Sincerely,
 
And don't mind my bad english, I don't have any former education.

I just trying to make ends meet

Sincerely.
 
How did you figure out my plot and condense it into 5 steps? Amazing!

Well, truth be told, I think I'd get a lot more hits if I actually adhered to this...
 
for once, Lupin made me laugh.
 
Daniel ==> How much are you willing to pay me?

"You don't know the real me" Andy Kaufman (by Jim Carrey), Man in the Moon
 
Mooiness: Heheheh, I suspect I know who you mean.

Jess: They don't call me an Evil Genius for nuffin'! Anyway, I think perhaps I should plug your party post. That was awesome.

Daniel: You don't get it. What kind of freak responds that way to what I said? He's obviously just a figment of my imagination! >:)
 
No, I am for real, please, please don't throw me into IMH (again).

No, Please, no, I beg you, DO NOT CALL THE POLICE!!!.
 
Um, I agree that you should plug my party post. Yes, yes, yes! (Look at how excited you got me? Pun intended.)
 
Jess: I'm on it! (No pun intended)
 
the prime number idea not bad. do not be surprised if u see my blog hits multiply (by a prime number of course.)
 
Injenue: I spotted you were posting comments at fucking 5+ in the fucking morning!
 
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Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)


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