Guide To Blog Popularity
Some time back, Injenue
and I met up and we were talking about blogs and shit. I was bemoaning the fact that even though Blinkymummy
put up a web counter later than I did, her number of hits are rapidly catching up with mine. Naturally, we went through the usual remedies; putting up more pictures, getting some tits, putting up more pictures of me with tits, etc.
A while later, though, our ramblings began to take a darker twist. We started to speculate about various mind control methods that we could use in order to control the herd (that's you chumps). Injenue said that it would actually not be all that difficult to write a counter that would increment by more than one everytime we got a hit. That would already naturally look impressive. However, I doubt that would be enough to actually make your blog a popular one.
You see, there must be something about your blog to fascinate people who come to read it. Since your objective, given that you're a fame whore, is fame, you should therefore concentrate on letting people know that you're famous, even if you actually aren't. After thinking about it, I have come up with some ideas on how to make your blog more popular without doing too much blog-whoring.
- Pick a magic number, any number. What was that? 2? Wrong. 5? Wrong. 10? Wrong. 3? Correct. 7? Correct again! 67? Even better! This will presently be explained.
- Modify your hit counter to increment by the magic number for every hit you get. Now, the reason for choosing those numbers I mentioned is that if you picked a number such as 2 or 5 or 10, sooner or later people would notice. This is because the multiples of these numbers are too regular. Best to pick a large prime number so as to escape detection. No one's going to notice anything strange if your blog increments by 617 for every hit, because most of you idiots cannot multiply or add by more than 3.
- With every other post, tell people how many (imaginary) hits your site has had today. Tell people how fucking famous you are. Because you're all a bunch of fucking morons, people will believe you and although they do not really enjoy your blog that much, they will still come back again and again just to see why in hell's name you're so popular.
- Make up fake hate mails that people have sent to you and post them up on your blog. Nothing grabs readers' attentions quite like venom and vitriol does. And besides, only playas get haytahs, right? Of course, I'm right.
- Register a whole bunch of user IDs and use them to comment on your own blog as if you were other people. Comments beget comments, after all, and if you keep up this soliloquy, sooner or later, your readers will feel compelled to join in. I mean, seriously, do you think that all the comments on my blog are from real people? Come on, you honestly believed that Lupin Tan is a real person? Christ, people are so fucking naive. There is no such person as Lupin, my friends. I just made that freak up so that people will know how diverse my readers are.
So there you have it, my friends. A simple 5-step guide to keeping readers who chance across your blog, presented proudly by I Rock, You Suck. If you really liked it, contribute to my Beer Fund, like thousands of other people have already done before you, you parsimonious prick.