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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Ok, I know I haven't been updating as often as I used to, but I'm really busy now, all right? So shut it. Anyway, I was recently reminded of this joke a brother of mine told me during that long, interminable period between the time after the completion of our 'A' levels and before we entered the army. It was a strange time. We were all in that weird stage between innocence and cynicism. Well, at least my peers were. I was born cynical.

Anyway, it was during that time when I watched a lot of Sellavision to while away those long, boring afternoons. Or was it Sell-A-Vision? Does anyone remember those really stupid commercials? Like Kevin Trudeau's Mega Memory. Yeah, the one with the rather old chick saying with the British (or Australian) accent, "Do you think that only really smart people have a great memory? Think again." It was basically an advertisement for a product that would supposedly unleash your latent photographic memory. I used to do that line at parties. While it didn't necessarily get me a lot of pussy, it was always good for a chuckle. Then, I'd do the "blahblah have a seat, blahblah have a seat" bit[1], only I'd make up names of my own. When person A, for instance, protested that her name wasn't Cutie Pie, I'd say, "It is now, sugar." Seriously, who could object to being called Cutie Pie? Unless she would rather be Lively Legs, she'd better shut the hell up and have a fucking seat.

What about that Speed Reading crap? Does anyone remember that shit? Some guy goes on the show and the host passes him a book and he runs his fingers across the page a couple of times and then says that he's read the whole thing. Wow. My friends and I had a bit for that too. We had the Double Speed Reading bit, where we'd "read" two open books at the same time with our fingers. The punchline was that we were not actually looking at the fucking books. Then we had the Double-Sided Speed Reading bit, where we'd "read" both sides of a page at the same time (one hand on each side). We also had the Speed Looking bit, where we'd "look" at a picture by running our fingers across it a couple of times. Yeah, I had a bunch of funny fucking friends.

The king of the infomercial spoofs, though, was the one my brother came up with about the infamous, strangely-shaped Support Pillow. See, there was this infomercial about the support pillow where they interviewed these people who had supposedly used the support pillow and benefited from it. During that segment, those people would be spewing crap like, "Before I used the support pillow, I needed 8 hours of sleep every night. Now, I only need 5! OMFGWTF ROTFL!!!1111"

Obviously, I added the last part myself.

Anyway, those people's claims always seemed to me like a strange way to advertise a product. I mean, if that shit helped you sleep better, why would you end up sleeping less? So, my brother came up with this bit.

Bro does guy #1: Before I started using the support pillow, I used to need 5 hours of sleep every night. Now, I only need 3! OMFGWTF ROTFL!!11111

Bro does guy #2: That's nothing! Before I started using the support pillow, I used to need 3 hours of sleep every night. After I started using the support pillow, I don't even sleep anymore! OMFGWTF ROTFLMAO!!!!!111111

If you have enjoyed this, please donate to my Beer Fund so I can buy my bros a beer.

Have a good one, people.

[1] There was this bit during the commercial when Kevin Trudeau would say that he had met some members of the audience before a show. He would then ask them to stand up and proceed to address them by name, telling them to have a seat. It seemed fake to me, though even if it weren't, I do not consider that a remarkable feat.
HAHAHA fuckin funny! I used to be tranfixed by sellavision ads too; cant deny they're good for laughs.
Oh, no beer money from me...
The really funny ones were the exercise equipment, slimming pills/creams and the household cleaning tools and detergents.

But they were a nice way to waste your time, watching demonstrations on kitchenware and fishing gear.
Speaking of sellavision ads, remember the Silhouette 40 slimming gel? You rub the gel on your love-handles, it miraculously reduce your waist line somehow. My friends and I thought of a hypothetical 'disaster' involving that gel.

Suppose some guy apply the gel and forgeting to wash, he masterbates. It's funny to imagine his reaction when he wakes up next morning with a needle thin prick...!

Yup, I've got pretty weird friends ...
Ah, sellavision. Those were the days of a stress free life. What about the honorable Jack Lalanne and his uber-device to take over the world, the fantastic Juice Tiger? Juice the orange peels too! It's good for you, it's all good!
yea man i actually wanted to buy the juice tiger.
Ivan: Indeed. I had way too much time on my hands at that time.

Sencha: Dude, don't be talking about stuff happening to dicks. That just ain't cool.

wongcheok: I prefer juice pussies. Tigers too fierce.

Daniel: Instead of wasting your money on such frippery, why not invest it in my beer fund, where you KNOW it will be put to good use?
ahh, then you would have to ask me along!
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