Weird Dream and Kickboxing
Let's start with kickboxing. Every morning, if I get up early enough, I see this segment of a programme on TV Mobile on my way to school. The segment consists of two chicks, one of whom is identified as a "kickboxing instructor" (let's call her KI), while the other is unidentified, but I presume she's the student (S). So every morning, KI demonstrates "kickboxing" moves with the help of S.

My problem with that is that I think the term "kickboxing" in this case is a misnomer. They should call it "pussyfooting". Ok, I was just being mean. They should call it aerobics or something, because that's what it actually is. I dread to think of women who learn that stuff and expect to be able to whup ass, because they won't. They may become more fit and supple, and they may even slim down but that shit is useless in an actual fight. Firstly, because KI and S move with all the speed of a sick tortoise and the conviction of an atheist celebrating Christmas. I mean, seriously, have you ever seen real Muay Thai fighters in action? Those are some of the most violent fuckers to ever stalk God's green earth. They train by rubbing wooden sticks against their shins to kill the nerves, for fuck's sake. This means that if you kick one of these fuckers in the shin, you might injure your foot.

Secondly, even if you go learn a real martial art, be it kickboxing or otherwise, it takes years of training, including sparring, to gain a level of proficiency in it that makes it useful in a real fight. This is because in a real fight, there are no rules and niceties. You may be able to kick with pinpoint accuracy, but the other bugger may stab you in the leg with a hidden knife.

Now, ladies, this post has a point other than just dissing KI and S. In fact, I'm not even dissing them. I'm just saying that she shouldn't call herself a kickboxing instructor because it's misleading, and I heartily agree that practising what they teach will improve your fitness level and suppleness. No, this post was written to share some pointers that may be useful if you ever find yourself attacked.

As I have said, those Muay Thai fuckers can use technique to demolish almost any other fucker who goes up against them. The rest of us mortals, however, will have to depend on attitude and a certain lack of scruples. Before I go further, let me just say that the best way to deal with a physical attack is to run from it if possible. I'm not being sexist, but it's a fact that women are just not as physically strong as men in general, and strength counts for a lot in a fight between two untrained opponents.

However, if there's nowhere to run, then these tips come into play.

Super Gan Pua No Horse Run Tips (That Kick Ass) For Whupping Ass In A Fight (KNNBCCB)

1. Fear has no place during combat. Often after, definitely before, but not during. Some people are physically without fear, and are able to think during fights like they would during, say, a tennis game. Most people can't, which brings us to the next tip.

2. If you're afraid, turn it into anger. Anger is not really a good thing in a fight, because although it may speed up your reflexes some, it limits your ability to think. The best way to fight is coolly, but if you have to choose between fear and anger, choose anger. The enemy is there to be destroyed utterly, and you should go all out to kill the motherfucker. As some wise dude once said, "I'd rather listen to a judge in a courtroom than my own eulogy in a casket."

3. To that end, use every dirty tactic you know. Attack the other person's weak points. If you're grabbed by some guy, stomp his foot, headbutt his nose, and knee his balls. Then, while he's in pain, gouge out his eyes and, just to be on the safe side, slam your palms into his ears and then run. Forget about the fancy kicks and punches. You're not shooting a movie, you're trying to survive.

4. Shout or scream loudly all the fucking time. Someone may come, no one may come, but screaming or shouting is a great way to release fear and distract your opponent.

If you follow all these tips, you might just end up not becoming a statistic and a notch on some psycho's rod. Again, remember that escape is always the best option. Good luck.

---

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that I was at the bus interchange in Boon Lay, and I saw my departed friend, Clavion. Being me, I naturally did not skip a beat and proceeded to call out to him.

"Dude! You're back!" I said. Then, "How the hell did you get back?!"

He turned to me, smiled, and said, "I'm not back, man. You've just left."

For a moment, I was puzzled. Then, I turned around and saw my own body, dead because of a car accident. Again without skipping a beat, I went, "Cool! It's all good! Let's go play DotA, man!"

So we went to some LAN shop and proceeded to whup the asses of everyone there, which was weird, considering the fact that we were departed shades and couldn't be seen by people.

******

How are you doing, Clavion? We still miss you. Especially when we're getting pwned.  ¶
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