Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who's the biggest asshole of them all?
When I was younger and more naive, I was a really nice person. I was reasonable, kind and caring to people I didn't even know. Everything was up for discussion with me. If someone objected to any of my actions and had a rational reason to do so, I was always prepared to listen and desist if the reason was good. If someone was in trouble, I would be prepared to help him or her at cost to myself and without thought of receiving any rewards whatsoever. I used to care about the world. I cared about the children who are starving in Africa. I cared about the mines in Vietnam. I cared about the environment and the ecosystem.

Now, however, I am implacable. If I decide that I want to do something, I will do it, and God help the moron who is stupid enough to oppose my will. If I want something to happen and I have the means to accomplish it, I will do it, even if it drowns the world in blood and even if innocent people suffer for it. No way will you catch me helping complete strangers at cost to myself now, either. If I do help someone I don't know, you can be sure that there is some reward in it for myself, even if said reward is not immediately apparent to a mind as puny as yours. The world can go fuck itself, for all I care. Future generations can suck my dick (if the specific member of future generations is female and hot, that is).

What changed me? What made a person who cared about everything into the asshole (albeit an attractive and charming one) that you see today? Well, I was a nice person because I used to hold the naive belief that the world was a reasonable place inhabited by reasonable people. I used to believe that if you had a good reason for wanting or not wanting something, and you explained it to another person, why, then that person would have to agree with you. I used to believe, for example, that if there was a situation with three possible outcomes depending on how the two parties involved behave, the outcomes being

a) the first party gains and the second party loses something,
b) the second party gains and the first party loses something and
c) both parties gain something, but less than they would have in the first two scenarios,

then ultimately the third scenario would be chosen by both parties.

I was wrong, of course. The first party would usually choose (a) while the second would choose (b). Why? Because people are mean, selfish and paranoid by nature.

What do I mean by "mean" and "selfish"? Well, it's not really that hard to understand. People generally want to be better than their peers. If, for example, you're taking a bus to work, you'd wish you had a car so that you're better off than the people around you. If you're driving, you'd wish you had a bigger, faster car than the people around you. Most people would say that there's nothing wrong with that. Think about it, however, and you'll realise that the reverse side of the coin is that you wish other people were worse off than you. Say you're in the same car, but no better cars than yours existed, you'd probably be happier than you are now, right?

So, what do I mean by "paranoid"? You see, most people are suspicious of the motives of others. This, too, is simple to understand. They assume that other people are out to screw them over because they themselves are out to screw other people over. What you see other people as being like is in fact your own mind's reflection of yourself. How did people get this way? Well, even supposing that out of a hundred people, only one was born selfish, it would be enough to ensure that everyone eventually ends up selfish. In my hypothetical situation, for example, supposing a nice person chose (c), but his selfish counterpart chose (b) and the nice person ended up losing something. If the thing that was lost was dear to him, it would probably be sufficient to ensure that in similar situations in the future, he always tries to screw the other person over. And so it goes on, a vicious cycle of petty spite and cruelty. By now, so many people have been fucked in the ass so often that assuming the other person is trying to rape your anus is already perceived as the "right" thing to do.

Few people are aware of the fact that their image of the other person is actually a reflection of themselves. Most people kid themselves into believing that they are somehow better, kinder and more caring than other people, or they would be unable to live with themselves. Who are they fucking kidding? So anyway, I realised that people are truly unreasonable when I was very young, but being nice by nature, I used to just let them have their way. However, I've since realised that I am nice, but not saintly by nature. Turning the other cheek just gets you slapped again, because there is no reasoning with unreasonable people. These jerks only understand force, and by "understand", I mean that if you hit a person hard enough, he will, eventually, relinquish his grasp on that thing which you wanted.

Why reason with unreasonable people? Fuck them. I know that some of you humble readers will protest that I am thus no different from them. I no longer seek to be different, you idiots. I seek to be triumphant. The only difference between you other unreasonable schmucks and I is that I do not kid myself into believing that I am nice. I am nasty. In fact, I'm nastier than all you other jerks out there. I maintain that in a world of unreasonable assholes, the only reasonable goal is to be the biggest, most unreasonable asshole of them all.

So now, I shall commit my last altruistic act ever. I'm now giving you, the rest of the world, fair warning.

All right, world. You fucking asked for it. Fuck with me and mine, and I'll do everything in my power to fuck you ten times as bad. *In fact, don't even fucking stand in front of me and my people if we're headed in your direction. I'll break your fucking legs just for being there. We don't fucking make detours for nobody. Fuck off. We have the right of way because we're better than you.

*Anyone who doesn't realise that was metaphorical can just slam their heads repeatedly into a wall until their brains ooze out of their fucking ears.  ¶
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