I Hate Fat People. So Very, Very Much.
Jesus fucking Christ, I've spent so much time using vi that I've become unaccustomed to using other text-editing programs. For you unitiated neophytes, vi is the one text editor available in all (I think) flavours of Unix. It's a text-based editor, so there's none of that wimpy dragging of your mouse to highlight and copy shit that you Winblows lusers are used to having. You can't even backspace to erase text. Anyway, while writing this blog at work, I've found myself hitting ESC to go into command mode, goddammit. Nevermind. On with the show, then.

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Henceforth, I shall refer to all white people as "cans", as in AmeriCANS, and I strongly encourage all the assholes of the world to join me. Why, one might ask, would one want to do that? Well, cans have racist terms (chinks, spics, niggers, etc.) for every other race in the world, so I thought that they deserved a racist term describing them as well. Also, here are some racist traits that you can generalise cans with. Cans are arrogant, stupid, rude and bad at math. Female cans are all whores and male cans are all fat slobs. Yes, I know that probably only a small percentage of cans are racist, and I also know that not all cans are Americans, but it's only fair that since those cans who are racist apply generalisations to other races, they should also get racist generalisations applied to other members of their race. Also, Americans were picked because, well, I hate my friend Matt, the Evil American.

I hate him so very, very much.

May I also say that Matt the Fat is the living embodiment of everything a male can represents. For the worst, most degenerate cans you know, the word "trash" might be prepended to "can" for emphasis. For example, Matt is a fucking white trashcan. See how catchy that is? If you, the humble reader, do decide to propagate this term, please also credit the originator of the term (yours truly) when you're explaining to your "friends" about what a can is, because otherwise you're a fucking thief. Yes, I think "can" is truly an apt word to describe such a degenerate people. Since time immemorial, the word "can" has been at the core of many of the world's evils. Things such as CANnabis, lyCANthropes, the VatiCAN, AmeriCANs and CANadians, to name but a few. Ok, cannabis is pretty cool, but the rest suck balls. Some of you may think that there is no reason for such unprovoked racism, but you'd be wrong. Firstly, being racist is fun. You don't have to think, you don't have to try to understand other people or their beliefs, you don't have to pretend that you don't mind them looking different from you are and hence, less than perfect. You just have to hate them. Secondly, I hate Matt. I hate that guy. So very, very much.

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On my way to work today, I took the MRT (that's the subway or the tube to you cans) and, as one is wont to do, I was staring off into space, preoccupied with the type of inconsequential thoughts one usually thinks when engaged in something boring. Presently, I noticed something in my line of vision glaring at me, and my eyes focused on the glaring object. Oh my fucking god, it was a fat chick. She was glaring at me as if to say, "why are you staring at my Supreme Hotness, you creep?" I didn't think of that at first, though, because she was a fucking tub of lard. I found myself strangely drawn to her, but then I realised that it was just her gravitational field. So I did what any self-respecting gentleman would have done in my position. I mimed puking and turned my back on her. Before I turned away, though, I noticed her swelling (no mean feat, considering she was already the size of a small meteor) ominously and quivering as if about to explode. I must say that I have never seen so much mass vibrating in tandem before. She would have made an interesting physics experiment for secondary school students studying resonance.

So I'd turned around. I spotted an open book hovering a metre or so from me, and I saw that the title of the chapter on the open page was some thing like "You may have been dumped by your rat bastard boyfriend, but life still goes on." My gaze shifted up to the hand holding the book, and fuck me dead if it wasn't the best human imitation of trotters I've ever seen. The rest of her was even larger. What is it, fatso day? I mean, come on, if she wanted to read silly self-help books, shouldn't she have been reading one with headings like "How To Lose 300Kg In 3 Weeks" or "Is Liposuction For You?" Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against fat people other than the fact that I won't sleep with them. Neither am I a fan of skinny, wraith-like chicks. In fact, I prefer women with a bit of flesh, but those two sows on the train were taking it too fat - I mean, far. Plump, I can deal with, but we're talking Jabba the Hutt girth here.

Let's be honest here. Talent, wit and personality matters, but before that, you have to have looks. If you're at least average, personality can make up for a lot, but no one wants a fucking ugly smartass hanging around them. If you're the type who inspires disgust, no one will care if you're a fucking genius or not. If you disagree and you do like to surround yourself with freaks, you're either lying, have low self-esteem, or you're ugly too. I'm one of the kinder people around, because I don't really mind ugly people, other than the not sleeping with them part. However, if you're ugly, you should at the fucking least be honest with yourself when looking into the fucking mirror. Realise that you're ugly, at least, and understand the fact that no guy would make eyes at you. And if, by some chance, some guy should see fit to pork you, for whatever reason, even if it was because he'd lost a bet with his friends, be grateful for it and don't be calling him a fucking rat bastard. I doubt he was even your "boyfriend". Also, go for cosmetic surgery as soon as humanly possible, or else you're going to have a fucking hard time in this world.

If you, the humble reader, happen to have any fugly bitch friends or relatives, please please please do not keep trying to boost their self-confidence and shit. Such hypocritical treatment is the reason why Lard Tub #1 would dare to glare at me instead of gratefully offering me pussy just for looking in her general direction. At least I would have politely declined. If you really care for your friend or relative, trample her self-esteem beneath the iron heels of your superiority and make her feel lower than fungus. If it doesn't make her go for drastic reconstructive surgery (a good thing), it might at least make her take her own life (not so good, but at least the world would be better off without her. think of it as helping natural selection). Failing those, maybe depression would at least make her stay home and not go around scaring other people.

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In today's issue of Today, someone wrote in to discourage the building of a casino in Singapore. That person went on and on about how her father was a compulsive gambler and ended up heavily in debt, yada yada yada, and hence casinos are a Bad Thing and we shouldn't have them in Singapore. Seriously. Bullshit. That would be like me saying that, for example, because my father couldn't control his spending habits and ended up heavily in credit card debts, credit cards are a Bad Thing and should be banned. Or my father couldn't control his lust and had an affair, causing my family to break up and hence, sex is a Bad Thing and no one should have sex. Fuck that shit and fuck you, Jennifer Heng-Guai. Just because your old man couldn't control himself, doesn't mean the rest of us should be deprived of our fun. Not having a casino in Singapore isn't going to "protect" our families in any way, you numbnuts. Stupid people will land themselves in trouble regardless of their circumstances. Call it natural selection.

Jeez . . . the things people say.  ¶
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