Euthanasia: By Louis Pasteur, Pastor
Today, we have a guest blogger, the venerable Louis Pasteur, a pastor from the Church Of Original Krischun Teachings, to share with us his church's stand on euthanasia.
Thank you, Don A.Q.. May the blessings of God rain down upon you and your Family like they did on Sodom and Gomorrah for your generous contributions to our Church.ed: The venerable pastor does not actually
read the Krischun Bible. I do not, in fact, donate to his church either, because I am actually just a poor student and not, as yet, the Godfather of a powerful crime Family in Singapore. Let me reiterate, there is no Sicilian Mafia in Singapore. As you may have guessed, the venerable pastor is borderline retarded, as is most of his flock.
Many of my flock have asked me questions about our Church's stand on euthanasia. After much careful, painstaking researching of the sacred texts, I have come to the conclusion that the Krischun Church is not, in fact, against euthanasia. Did the Bible not say something about there being a "time to heal" and also a "time to kill"? I believe that It did. Since faith is such an integral part of our religion, and since I have faith that the Bible says something like that, the Bible must, in fact, say exactly that. Take that, you doubting, Evil Atheists, so proud of your weak Logic! Have a dose of Original Krischun Logic!ed: The pastor considers himself a Krischun philosopher and also a gifted amateur scientist. He does not actually read, he's just dictating this as I type it for him. I am now patiently waiting for him to stop foaming at the mouth.
. . . we put the Fun back in Fundamentalism! God is a mightier power than your Science! Burn in Hay-all!ed: I wait a while more.
I apologise, Don. ed: Not at all, Father.
I get intense when discussing the subject of Evil Atheists. Anyway, I haven't digressed, as I will soon show. Now, where was I? Ah yes, euthanasia. As I was saying, the Krischun Bible says nothing against euthanasia. Suicide is a sin, yes, but euthanasia is not suicide. It is murder, and as we all know, the Lord is without a doubt the biggest murderer of all time, Praise Him! Can we, as loyal followers of the Lord our God do any less than to imitate Him? Hence, I say to you all, if someone is begging for you to end his life, oblige him! However, discretion must be exercised in the use of such a right. I shall now dispense unto you all the Original Teachings of the Krischun Church regarding when the practise of euthanasia is in keeping with our ideals and moral values.
Here are some cases in which euthanasia will not only be acceptable to our Church, but can actually help the world as well! Firstly, when you see an Evil Atheist on the street, feel free to euthanise him right there and then! The people who beg the hardest to be euthanised are Evil Atheists who deny the existence of our Father! They are obviously under the influence of the Evil One and are hence in great spiritual pain! They may not literally be asking you to do it, but do their actions not suggest it to you? As Original Krischuns, what are we more skilled at than reading deeper meanings that may or may not be there? You may not have the Gift of Discernment yet, my children, but trust me here. Do them and yourselves a favour and put them out of their misery right now. They will thank you for it someday when they finally realise that they were in pain all along from going against their consciences and denying God when actually they knew all along that He exists.
Another case in which euthanasia is acceptable would be that of abortionists. They call themselves pro-choice, but as any faithful Krischun knows, they are actually pro-death. As with Evil Atheists, they are in deadly pain everyday from having to deal with a guilty conscience, and it is high time someone gave them some help. Since nobody else seems willing to do this, we, as morally upstanding Krischuns, should have the courage to step up to the line! So, the next time you pass an abortion clinic, do your duty to God and euthanise the whole gosh-darned lot of them. Think of it, true Krischuns, all the people inside, doctors, fornicators and unholy unborn children, all destined to burn in the fires of Hay-all, saved by your hand! What other worthy deed could so guarantee your place in paradise? Wait no longer, my faithful children. Set a couple of abortion clinics on fire right now!
Now we come to a most sensitive issue these days. The homosexuals. They are another group of people who have to deal with pain on an almost daily basis. As we all know, God sent AIDS to punish them, but Evil Scientists have managed to interfere once more with God's plan by introducing sacrilegious rubber into the already unholy act of sodomy, so it is up to us to ensure that God's plan is carried out regardless. Why do I say that homosexuals are in pain? Well, think of someone pushing a cucumber up your rear end. In fact, just think of taking a dump after four days of constipation. Does it not hurt? Of course it does! So you can imagine how much more sodomy hurts! Some of you might protest that it is only the male homosexuals who suffer from the unbearable pain of sodomy, but you would be wrong. Lesbians suffer from it too. A few weeks ago, for the sake of educating myself, I rented a few tapes containing lesbian pornographic material. After spending a few hours figuring out how to play the tape, I was finally able to view these educational videos. I started shaking with righteous indignation almost immediately. I actually shook with righteous indignation 3 times during the viewing of those tapes. In fact, I am so utterly disgusted with those perditious images that I have since started renting those tapes everyday so that I can express my outrage at home daily. Anyway, the point is that these lesbian prostitutes actually sodomised each other using sinful sexual toys called "dildos". In order to better understand the pain they go through, I have since purchased one so that my wife can use it on me in our Church-sanctified intercourse. I therefore speak from personal experience when I tell you that it really, really hurts. I was shaking with righteous indignation everytime my wife used this sinful object on me. If it hurts even during righteous intercourse, imagine how much more it would hurt if you added the guilt of sin to it! Trust me, the homos will thank you for euthanising them.
But hark! I hear a question being asked. "Father, are there any cases in which euthanasia is forbidden?"
A very good question, my child. Euthanasia is forbidden when it involves terminally ill people who want to die. I mean, the poor sick bastard (God forgive me) is already dying
. How could you murder someone who is already so sick that all he wants to do is die? Just let nature take its course, even if it takes ten years.
Euthanasia in such a case is just mean.