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Thursday, March 17, 2005
 
Ministry Of Education Should Hire Me As A Disciplinary Consultant

I just saw an ad poster for a clothings line or some shit like that, and it had this slogan: "Looking good never killed anyone."

As I may have mentioned, advertisers are stupid fucks. These people are obviously oblivious to the existence of Homer's Iliad. Ok, I may be just a wee bit prejudiced here (because I hate advertisers, especially Singaporean ones), but surely the first thing that comes to most people's minds upon hearing the phrase "if looks could kill" would be either Helen of Troy or yours truly? I reiterate, I hate advertisers. I believe that all advertisers are spammers at heart, and spammers should all die slow, painful deaths, preferrably involving lots of small fires, whips, boyband "music" and a small spoon.




Blessed are the geeks, for they shall inherit the earth, and space as well? I read in Today that the founder of Amazon.com, Jeff Bezos, plans to set up a spaceport on a ranch he just acquired. Apparently, the nutty billionaire hopes to "facilitate an enduring human presence in space". Well, I can't say that I'm surprised. The geeks of his generation were obsessed with space travel. They grew up reading the works of sci-fi luminaries such as Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke and Robert A. Heinlein. I think that perhaps when we have the technology, colonising Mars might be a possible solution to Earth's overpopulation. Yes, we could probably send all the fundies there or something. Now, that would be a Good Thing.




Also on Today, some kid wrote an article about school discipline. Apparently, a classmate of his was whistling in class and because no one would rat on the culprit, the entire group of boys was punished by being made to copy a Chinese passage 5 times. The kid said that discipline was meant to help in the development of an individual and he could not see how that type of punishment assisted in the development of the individual.

I think he should shut the fuck up. I mean, seriously, most kids don't know shit. Hence, the mistakes they make are meaningless and they deserve meaningless punishments. In my time, we would have been caned by the teacher. Nowadays, though, parents will complain if a teacher so much as detains a child after school hours or even gives the child a harsh look. I'm sure the kid who wrote that article is a well-behaved one, for the way he writes displays maturity beyond that of the typical 14-year-old, but let's face it. Most kids today are abominable, annoying little monsters. Development of the individual doesn't even come into it. What kids these days need is pain to teach them that mistakes do have consequences. I have friends teaching in secondary school who tell me that there are students who, upon being asked to do something, reply, "Why am I doing this?"

You're doing this because I told you to, you little shit.

It is probably already too late for most kids these days to learn to behave themselves and not make assholes of themselves every single fucking minute of every fucking day. Desperate times call for desperate measures, which is why I have come up with The Mother Of All Punishments. Anytime a secondary school student commits the same disciplinary offence twice, we take one of their fingers. The bugger has had all the time he needs to learn how to behave in primary school, so by the time he enters secondary school, he should, in theory, already be well-behaved. Secondary school is where students should start acting like young adults instead of like fucking babies. I can practically guarantee that if this policy is implemented, juvenile delinquency rates will plummet like a hundred-ton rock dropped from a fucking Boeing 747. Come to think of it, they will probably plummet more like a Boeing 747 that ran out of fuel in mid-air. After not conducting any widely-sampled surveys or scientific investigations whatsoever, I have come to the unverifiably precise conclusion that if this policy is implemented, 99.95% of all students will start behaving themselves and turn out to be responsible, upstanding young adults. We probably won't even have to take more than 10 fingers nationwide before the little bastards realise that we mean business.

This goes out to all the teachers out there. Just picture this scenario. You tell some little motherfucker to do something and he asks you, "Why should I do this?"

"Because I will be forced to chop off your pinky if you don't, you adorable little thing, you."

"Well, I'm not going to- ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!"

Makes you wet your knickers, doesn't it?

And after that, if parents complain, "Why did you chop off my daughter's finger?" You take out a pistol and blast their souls to hell. Ok, you can stop masturbating to the thought now, you sick, perverted teachers.




All hail Don A.Q., the Beloved Of The Search Engines. Remember how, just a few days ago, I mentioned a blog with the title "I enjoy being a slut"? At the time, I did a search on google for all the terms related to that blog that I mentioned to ensure that none of them would lead back to it, just in case the owner of the blog wanted to keep it private. Just yesterday, the owner of the blog, the delectable Jess, left a message on the previous post telling me that she googled for herself using the keywords "I enjoy being a slut", and it led her to my blog. Thanks, Jess, you've just succeeded in increasing the size of my ego by an order of magnitude.

Anyway, since she has told me to go ahead and link her, you will now find a link to her blog to your right. Go ahead and check it out, guys. If you happen to live in Canada and you happen to be nice, you might want to look her up, since she apparently has a problem with finding suitable guys. Well, I regret informing you about this, Jess, but most guys, if not all of them, are bastards. Get used to it, honey.

Actually, I was going to suggest that the Evil Canadian could hook up with her, but then (a) he has a girlfriend and (b) I couldn't in good conscience inflict him on any chick. >=)
 
Comments:
So, guess where I am right now, as I type this?

Yeah, that's right, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Ah, if I had known of this person, I would have tried to wrangle free housing.
 
Haha, maybe you can still do that.
 
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Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)


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