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Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Mostest Bestest Post Which Totally Kicks Ass And Rocks Your Face Award

I was reading some of my old posts last night, and I was once again admiring myself for being such a ridiculously good writer. Seriously, I am so ludicrously talented and witty that all you people (except those who are in L.E.W.D., whose blogs, though not quite as good a read as mine is, I quite enjoy) might as well stop blogging right now and start reading and re-reading my posts for the rest of your miserable lives, because you guys suck ass and I rock. I was so inspired by my own talent that last night, I submitted my blog for this Singapore's hottest blogs site thingy. That's the new button in my sidebar, by the way. Just you try voting for me, you dim bulbs, and see what happens. Go ahead, I dare you. In fact, I double dog dare you to click on that button and vote for me. What, are you afraid of that small button? Does that tiny little button scare your mouse-clicking finger shitless? Bah, just as I thought. You cowards. You don't have the guts to vote for me.

That's fine. I don't need the affirmation of others anyway, because you're all a bunch of fucking morons who'd be stumped if I tied your shoelaces together. You know how some magazines and newspapers have reviews of movies and books and they give stars on a scale of 1 to 5 depending on how much the reviewer liked it? Well, I was wondering who was smart and cool enough to review my past posts. After some thought, the obvious answer hit me. Me, of course! Who else is as smart, cool and talented as the Great Me, Myself? No one, that's who. So here at I Rock, You Suck, we proudly present the Mostest Bestest Post Which Totally Kicks Ass And Rocks Your Face Award. This is done as a public service (and I feel that it serves the public far more than that NKF scamming shit that's been going on lately, with "artistes" dramatising every stupid little thing they do), because everyone needs to get their face rocked once in a while. Before we go on, allow me to present the reviewers and judges for tonight's event.

Judge 1
Me: A distinguished blogger with cyber-years of experience at blogging, Me has had a lot of sex and rocked numerous faces with his own brand of wacky, unbridled humour. He has won numerous awards for blogging that no one has even heard of, and is respected by everybody who is somebody in the blogosphere, or maybe no one at all. A consummate artist, Me has spent years honing and refining his Karma Sutra techniques on willing victims - sorry, partners - of legal age and though that is totally unrelated to blogging, he feels that it deserves a mention nonetheless.


Judge 2
Myself: The rookie sensation who has blazed his way into the eye sockets of the blogosphere, Myself has rocked more faces in the past year alone than other bloggers have in years of blogging. Despite having only blogged for about a year, his popularity is definitely not eclipsed by that of Me. An avowed alcoholic, Myself has a love of wordplay and thinks alliterations are awesome. Women love Me and men want to be Me. Wait a minute, who am I introducing now? Anyway, Myself is also the writer of the winning post for next month's Mostest Bestest Post Which Totally Kicks Ass And Rocks Your Face Award.

*thunderous applause*

Judge 3
Don A.Q. (ha! thought judge 3 would be "I", didn't you? fools!): The sponsor of tonight's event, Don A.Q. is the Godfather of the blogosphere underworld. He is rumoured to be the purveyor of a harmfully addictive blog that makes you Rock and which you have to Suck, but so far, the charges laid upon him by the blogging police have slid off him like water off a duck's back. We have also heard that he may in fact be the founder of the shadowy organisation, or cabal, if you will, known only by the acronym L.E.W.D.. Shrouded in mystery, this organisation's goals are unknown, although it is said that world domination is definitely on the agenda.

*polite applause and hushed whispers as the Don gives an enigmatic smile with his customary heavy-lidded gaze*

Without further ado, we proudly present the nominees for Mostest Bestest Post Which Totally Kicks Ass And Rocks Your Face Award. (I refuse to go to the further trouble of sourcing for, hosting and linking cheesy awards ceremony music, which usually sucks anyway, so feel free to play your own wherever you're reading this.)

Nominee #1
We Rock, You Suck

Me: A refreshing change from all those mediocre posts about the author's love life. I like it. 5 stars.
Myself: Hot damn, this guy is funny! His opinions just happen to mirror my own, so I'm going with 5 stars here.
Don A.Q.: Anything that is good for the Family is good. Anything else is bad. Never take someone else's side against your own Family. The author understands. 5 stars.


Nominee #2
Dicks Rule. If You Ain't Got One, You Ain't Shit.

Me, Myself and Donaq: After conferring with each other, we have reached a unanimous decision. We have dicks too, so 5 stars.


Nominee #3
"Artists"? Kiss my ass, you whores.

Me: Yes, art should be done for its own sake instead of for profit. The author touches on some very relevant points here and said many things that should have been said a long time ago. 5 stars.

Myself: Dudes, he showed us how to get around javascripts that prevent you from right-clicking. What more do you want? 5 stars.

Don A.Q.: Because one of my godsons is in the entertainment circle, I understand fully how hard these pessonovantes make life for artistes. All my godson wishes is to make music, so several times, I have had to make these entertainment bigshots offers they can't refuse. Once, I even had to let one of them sleep with the fishes. 5 stars.


Nominee #4
Life And Death . . . Musings Of A Prodigy.

Me: What a wonderfully moving piece, and how true it is! This one definitely gets 5 stars from me.

Myself: Can this guy get any more brilliant? What a totally lucid and clever article! 5 stars!

Don A.Q.: Even the most powerful of men bow to death. My old consigliere, on his deathbed, begged me to save him from death, thinking that I had power over Death himself, but I had not the power. I completely understand what the author is trying to say. 5 stars.


And we have the results. Drumroll, please.

They all win! The judges have, in their wisdom, decided that all the posts are equally good in their own ways and hence have decided to give all of them the award. Well done, you guys!

Stay tuned for next month's Mostest Bestest Post Which Totally Kicks Ass And Rocks Your Face Award!

Ok, I was going to list all my good posts, but there were simply too many to choose from. Also, I got too engrossed reading my old posts (they're that good), so there will have to be a sequel, I'm afraid. How the fuck did I manage to write so much cool stuff in 2 months? Christ, I'm good.
I think you need more stars!!!

dude.. wheres the pagan bible entry? dat one 6 stars!
Adrian, you're VERY bored, aren't you? =p
Feisty Bitch: Yes, I kick ass!

Celle: Haha, I spent too much time reading and it was too late to continue.

Sheena: Actually I had other stuff to do, but the worship of self takes precedence over all else.
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To Those Who Wish To Link Me:

Due to the fact that my ego is a humongous, bloated monstrousity, it is not highly unlikely that I wouldn't say no to your linking my blog, so there is no need to ask me.

Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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