Daddy's Advice Part I
Reading Today almost everyday and seeing the trite little "lessons" that the good Dr James Dobson dispenses has inspired me to start my own semi-regular advice column about how to teach your brood of brats. If you happen to have any, that is. I think my lessons would be more instructive and true-to-life than his, for I have decided to display them in the form of father-son conversations. Nothing beats real-life examples for teaching apes how to do some shit, right? Of course. And what better way to kick off this advice column than to start with sex education? Sex is all you chumps are interested in, right? So pay attention, because this is how it should be done.

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James is a curious 9-year-old boy living with his father Dick. Dick is a single parent, and the one person in the world James respects above all others in the, erm, world. James often asks Dick for advice when aspects of the world confuses him and Dick answers these questions with all of the anecdotal wisdom only a single father can supply. These answers, more often than not, leave James, if not exactly enlightened, then at least marginally less confused than he was before.

James has a 12-year-old neighbour named Susan, with whom he has played since they were both toddlers.

One day, James had the following conversation with his father, who always has an answer to everything.

J: Dad, Susan got hot after playing today and took off her shirt. I have never noticed before, but her chest has sure grown bigger than mine. Why is that?

D (chuckling and ruffling his son's hair): You see, son, girls, when they grow older than a certain age, their chests start to grow like balloons. No one knows why this is, but it just is. We boys have many names for them. We call them "tits", "boobs", or sometimes even "jugs". This is because one day, if you suck hard enough on them, milk may come out of them.

J: Then what are boobs for, dad? Why do girls have them and boys don't?

D: Well, son, you see, a man has many jobs and tasks to accomplish in the world, and many of these require him to use the strength of his hands. In order to build that strength, a man needs to exercise his hands, and God put boobs on girls so that they can be squeezed by men. In order to exercise their hands, you see. You just ask Susan if she will let you squeeze her titties the next time she shows them to you, son. If she lets you, you squeeze them, kid, and you squeeze them hard, by God. Make your old man proud.

J: Oh. Why did my peepee get hard when I saw Susan's tits, dad?

D: Ah, son, you're just starting to notice girls. I remember when I first started noticing girls. I was not much older than you, son. I was only 10 at the time and I was watching a porno at your uncle Ben's home while his parents were away. Oh, yes, those naughty nurses really gave me a huge first boner.

You see, son, when God created Adam and put him in the Garden of Eden, Adam soon got lonely. Adam then asked God for a companion, and since God loved Adam so much, He took a bone from Adam and made Eve. Being a fair and just God, in return for taking a bone from Adam, He gave Adam what we now call a "peepee", but the original name for a "peepee" was a "boner". Because our boners are not attached to our original skeletal structure, God did not make them hard all the time. They only get hard when you get close to women, because they lack that extra bone. Women do not have boners. Instead, because Eve was tempted by a snake to commit sin, God gave women "pussies", because snakes are afraid of cats. God, in His infinite wisdom, gave us boners so that they could be inserted into the pussies of those women whom we deem worthy of receiving our boners. Naturally, this process of inserting boners into pussies became known as "boning", and it is the single biggest charity a man may bestow on a woman, because we are giving them the bone that God did not give them.

Here, son, go watch these porno CDs to better understand how your boner should be used and how boning can be accomplished.

J: Thanks, dad! You always have an answer for everything.

D: No problem, son. When you're done with them, I'll tell you all about double penetration and golden showers.

Disclaimer: Some of you smartie pants out there may be thinking that this is all some huge joke and that "by golly, he can't possibly have meant that" and other shite like that. Well, I'm telling you now that I meant every fucking word. I think you should actually educate children about sex by letting them watch porn, and that you should encourage children to squeeze other children's tits. There is no deeper meaning here and I meant exactly what I said.  ¶
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