Spank Mother Nature!
Having read almost 6 months' worth of Today, I had thought that I have become jaded, immunised to the seemingly unlimited amount of stupidity its readers and contributors could bring to bear on almost any subject. Then, I read today's issue, which just fucking takes the cake.

You see, there was this person who was telling some long, grandfather's story about herself being boned by some Eurasian dude, and hence wondering what color her children would be or some shit like that. Whatever. Her agenda, such as it was, was to discourage the use of genetic engineering on humans. I have no beef with that. You're free to have your own moral values, even if they will one day be rendered irrelevant when mass-cloning becomes commonplace after I conquer the world. What really made me want to knock some sense into her with a clue stick was her reasons for objecting and the way her arguments were presented. Here are a few choice examples of the shit she came up with.

"Scientists recognise the need to promote biodiversity, which enriches our lives."

Yeah? I had no idea biodiversity "enriches" our lives in any way. You can enrich your own life even if everyone around you is the same colour as you are, bitch. Why would the quality of our lives be affected by biodiversity, pray tell? Unless you're a fucking racist, that is?

"As the only species on this planet with the knowledge and ability to explore genetic makeups, we have the responsibility to treat biodiversity with the respect that it deserves."

Considering that she's arguing against using genetic engineering on humans, that is a moot argument. You want biodiversity? The best way to ensure that would be to genetically engineer biodiversity into humans! Waiting for nature to do the job over hundreds of thousands of years is just inefficient. Besides, if everybody is humping everybody else, we will all eventually end up beige, you moron. That is exactly what will happen, and then where would your precious biodiversity be? I say let's genetically engineer blue people, green people, orange people and striped people. Only in that way may we have true diversity in the human species. We could also genetically design elves and gnomes. Man, I've always wanted to hump an elf. Ok, maybe I've been watching too much hentai anime. Those goddamned Japanese have ruined my life.

Let Mother Nature make her selection with regards to the genetic makeup of a human, and she will ensure the survival of the species.

When I first saw this drivel, my jaw dropped and the first question that popped into my mind was this. What the hell was she smoking and can I please have some? My bullshit detectors immediately flashed red, and I realised that the author was a fucking hippy. It all makes sense now. She was probably trippin' on acid or something, because it should be perfectly obvious from the tsunamis and earthquakes that have recently plagued the planet that Mother Nature doesn't give a dingo's testicle about the survival of the fucking species. Unless, of course, she's trying to tell us that those people who died in tsunamis somehow deserved to be weeded out by Mother Nature because of their genetic makeups, the racist bitch. What Mother Nature needs is a firm spanking from the hand of man for being such a naughty, naughty girl.

What we need to do is to genetically engineer a race of superbeings that have gills and skins that can enable them to survive being scalded by liquid magma and also subzero temperatures, just as a slap in Motherfucking Nature's face. Also, they should be able to survive without mechanical aids in outer space. Even that would not ensure the survival of the fucking species, but it would be a fucking fine way to start.  ¶
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