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Sunday, August 14, 2005
Answers To Some Questions

I was reading this awesome post by He Who Was Formerly Known As Big Fuck. Go check it out, people. If I say it's awesome, it's definitely awesome, ok?

Recently the suspiciousbastard asked me a few questions. For the sake of completeness, I paste them here.

Yes, I'm asking you, Leader of LEWD. Since you have an overflowing amount of wisdom, I hope that you can enlighten me with your enlightening answers to the questions that I have here. Maybe I'll get smarter and wiser just by looking at your answers.

1. How do you toilet train a hamster?
2. In documentaries featuring lions, I have never seen a lion shit before. And there's never any sign of shit in the whole documentary? How is this possible? Or is it that lions never take a crap?
3. If the hair between your legs is supposed to keep the gential parts warm, why is it that the hair grows ABOVE the gentials and not ON the gentials themselves? How would anyone keep their dick warm in that manner? And why haven't we evolved to the point where there's no hair on our parts?
4. Would you consider going into an alliance with The Brain(minus Pinky) if it would help you take over the world in a shorter time?
5. What is a good, clean subsitute for sex?
6. How do gays piss in toilets if they cut off their dick?
7. How do I concentrate on a task that I want to do?(this question is a serious one)

That's it. Please answer these questions so that I can rest in peace when I die. You wouldn't want to torment a future old man with doubts, would you?

Very well, SB. Seeing as you have done some appropriate ass-kissing (insincere or otherwise, I don't care, since us Evil Overlords only want lackeys and not men with integrity), I shall generously dispense some greatness to you.

1. Through pain. Everytime your hamster craps up the place, you use medieval torture devices on it. Miniature ones, of course.
2. In the beginning, when the world was made by Aslan, it was decreed that the lion shall be the King of the Beasts. Does a king not crap in a toilet with golden taps? Oops, sorry, only CEOs of NPOs do these days. Anyway, Aslan is the goddamned Son of the King Beyond the Water or some shit like that, ok? He can do, like Deep Magic and, you know, stuff, right? So there you go.
3. Ok, this is the sort of question that gets the word "creepazoid" branded on your forehead, ok? Nevertheless, since you wanted an explanation and since I am indeed the fount of wisdom, I shall give you the proper scientific explanation, based on no research at all whatsoever. Warm air rises and is trapped in the hair, ok? So, like, when cool air descends, it meets the warm air in the hair and, you know, they sort of cancel out and, well, stuff. You wanted to know why we haven't evolved to the point where we don't have hair on our bits? Well, there's a scientific explanation for that too. All the best scientists know that evolution is false and that the world was made about 6000 years ago.
4. Yes, of course. I'd betray and kill the little bugger right after we succeed, though.
5. I shall have to answer your question with a question. What's so bad and unclean about sex?
6. Gays don't cut off their dicks.
7. Well, there's no hard and fast rule about this one. Usually, I just turn off my frikkin' computer and voila, no more distractions. Instant nirvana. On tap.

So there ya go.
Ooh.. Why are you making references to Narnia?

Next you'll be talking about running into magic wardrobes to take over mythical countries..

Hmm.. Not such a bad prospect..
Adrian ==> Wa, your advice sound much more feasible the those "Ohmmmm" Master in the moutaintops.
Ah. I am ever grateful to you. Thanks to your infinite wisdom, I have gone up a level of whatever class I am in now.
Behold! The Don bestows his wisdom upon the masses! Kiss his feet, peons!

Lions do shit, it's just that the wimps at the BBC and Discovery Channel are too queasy to film them doing it.

Pubic hair was a punishment from God so that we'd get such nasty things like ingrown pubic hairs and lice, the price of sin. Oh, you want to know why they're placed above the genitals and not on the genitals themselves? What?! You dare question the way the Almighty Lord works? He ought to smite you!

(P.S. If pubic hair grew on our dicks, I think the ladies would find sex a much more ticklish (or painful?) affair. Plus imagine if someone had pubic lice and they took up residence within the woman's er... vagina. Yech)
hahaha eh this is v.funny lah.
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Winners of Adrian Coolness Points:

The Feisty Bitch: For reasons best known to ourselves. (1)
The Feisty Bitch: For getting featured on the Sunday Times (2)
Adri: For being geeky enough to write recursive prose. (1)
Sheena: For really, really liking my blog. (1)
Sheena: For the use of her finger. (2)
Sheena: For getting on the Straits Times. (3)
Ivan: For referring to me as one of "Singapore's leading bloggers". (1)
Ivan: For coming up with the PubicLicezilla idea. (2)
The Big Fuck: For being such a big fuck. (1)
The Big Fuck: For making the miniature Badge of Lewdness. (2)
Anonymous fan: For making a cool finger. (1)
Celly: For appreciating the genius behind the Pagan Bible here. (1)
Icebreeze: For being wise enough to flatter me. (1)
Barffie: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in the papers. (1)
Blinkymummy: For furthering the LEWD cause by appearing in TWO papers within the space of two days, fuckin' A! (2)
Jess: For being observant enough to spot the similarity between Lewdites and Luddites. You rock, babe. (1)
Jiameei: For being my champion against anonymous hecklers. (1)

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