Super Gan Pua Power Love Song Writing Tips
Two nights ago, I went skating at East Coast Park with one of my brothers. Since yours truly is just a poor student who has no means of transport and since I live somewhere in the godforsaken north, obviously, my brother was driving. So anyway, on the way back, we were listening to some sad love songs in his car. It immediately struck me anew how the lyrics of so many popular love songs are actually very similar to each other. It's almost like the writers of these songs have no originality at all . . .
Nah, that couldn't be, right?
Anyway, I started getting pissed because I think I am way more talented than those fucking hacks and should hence be more popular (not to mention richer) than them. I therefore applied my formidable intelligence to the simple task of figuring out just what made a sappy love song a sappy love song. As a result, I Rock, You Suck proudly presents the Super Gan Pua Power No Horse Run Steady Pom Pi Pi Love Song Writing Tips.Tip #1:
It must be sad. Heard any chart-topping happy love songs lately? Of course not. Only sad love songs appeal to the fucking unwashed masses, because everyone likes to think of themselves as martyrs. Personally, I think love should be a happy thing, or else what would be the fucking point? Let's face it, the minute you're really unhappy (not just irritated, I mean REALLY unhappy) about a relationship, it's time to get the fuck out. However, most people don't think like that, do they? No, they'd rather wallow in misery because deep down inside, you fucktards are all masochists. You like to be injured by others because it makes you feel good about yourselves. Then you listen to sad love songs and wallow in self-pity and that makes you feel even better about yourselves, you dumb bitches.Tip #2:
Forever must figure in it somewhere. If you're smart or even slightly observant, you'd have realised by now that romance novels are one of the fucking biggest cons in the history of humankind. How many couples have you ever seen who have remained in love till the end? Come the fuck on and give me a break, but that shit just doesn't happen, at least not often enough to give the rest of us mutts a realistic chance of experiencing it. However, because most people are stupid and read way too much slush, this stereotype continues to be perpetuated, and hence your potential hit sappy shitty love song must conform to that.Tip #3:
Exclusive ownership. Have crap like "to you I belong" or "you belong to me" in your song and you've got a potential winner. That's because people like being told that they're like cattle or something.Tip #4:
Saturate the song with metaphors. It makes you seem poetic or something. You see, despite the fact that most of you wouldn't recognise good poetry if it climbed out of a book, picked up your chair and hit you on the head with it, you guys still like to speak as if you knew something about it. And nothing makes retards feel deeper than bad poetry, so use the fucking sun, the fucking moon and the fucking weather in your fucking song a lot, and maybe people will like it. The metaphors used don't even have to make sense, because most people are senseless. As a bonus, make it rhyme.Tip #5:
Keep it short. People are stupid and if your song is too long, they'll stop listening to it. Have two verses and a chorus. Three verses at the most.Tip #6:
Refer to the object of your love as "baby", because everybody loves a paedophile.Tip #7:
Be vague. People like listening to love songs because whenever they are bummed in relationships, these songs seem to be talking about them. So if you get too specific, you lose the power of mass appeal and they call you indie. Avoid that at all costs, people. Remember, we're all about the money.
Yes, adhere strictly to these guidelines, and people will buy your fucking albums. As an example, I have written a love song entitled (what else) "Super Gan Pua Power No Horse Run Steady Pom Pi Pi Love Song" so you guys can get an idea of how a generic sappy shitty love song should sound like. If there are any musicians among you (unlikely), you can add a score to it or something. I don't care.Super Gan Pua Power No Horse Run Steady Pom Pi Pi Love Song
Baby baby baby you were mine
So long ago, I can't recall the times
When I could hold you in my arms
Like the giant squid holds the sperm whale in its tentacles
And I thought forever we would last
But forever is like a broken glass
Baby baby baby now you're gone
For so long I've missed our song
And no one dances with me at night
I'm as lonely as like, some lonely frog in a pond
And forever is easy to say
But forever seems further each day
Oh, baby please give me one more chance
Oh, baby please give me one last dance
The lights may go out
In a web of lies
But this time my love will never die
Ok, writing that crap almost killed me because my gag reflex was keeping me from breathing. Excuse me while I go hurl, people. Run along.