It's orange cheddar!
I happened to catch a scene of some TCS soap opera on the bus the other day, and in the scene, some chick was getting date-raped. Man, those TCS rapists sure know how to romance their victims. I mean, seriously, the bugger was such a gentleman that after getting her unconscious and nekkid by spiking her drink, he covered them both with a blanket. After all, you never know if some sick voyeur may have installed a hidden camera in the hotel room while you're raping someone, and the first thing on a rapist's mind is always the modestly of his victim. So, guess what the rapist did next to his unconscious victim? He started kissing her. Yes, so concerned was the rapist for the pleasure of his unconscious victim that he actually engaged in foreplay. What a charmer.

Seriously, I'm not saying they should show tits on national TV (although that would be a fine thing), but don't insult our intelligence and our sex lives by showing us that crap. Who the hell fucks under the goddamned sheets, anyway? Most of us don't even do that in consensual sex, so why the fuck would a rapist bother? This is what's fucking wrong with the local media. No fucking creativity and imagination. They have to shoot a rape scene, and here's what they think.

"Hey, let's just do what we always do and have the guy kissing the girl's neck. Also, let's have both of their lower bodies covered in blankets and we also have a sheet in between the chick and the guy and we shoot them from the side and then fade to black. Yeah, then in the morning, we have the obligatory 'guy spouting cheesy cliches' scene, because all rapists stick around at the scene of the crime."

I mean, that's just so lazy, isn't it? I think you can actually have a realistic portrayal of a date rape without compromising the modesty of the actors. Just shoot them from above like so. Guy topless on top of the girl, covering her assets. As long as her shoulders are naked, the illusion of nudity is preserved. Make sure bottom border of the frame is above the guys butt so that no one can see that he's actually wearing women's underwear, because the fake prudes in Singapore would throw a huge collective hissy fit if they ever saw that. Tell the guy to make humping motions. Wouldn't that be so much smarter than trying to pass off a scene of someone kissing someone else under the sheets with a sheet between the two of them as a date-rape?

Christ.

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On the subject of rape and molestation, it has come to my exalted attention that there has been some friction between two female titans of the Singapore blogosphere lately. Read all about it here, here and here. I waited with bated breath for a catfight of epic proportions, because if there's one thing I love more than beer, it's a good catfight. Scratch that. Beer is way better.

Anyway, people who have been following this saga probably think that there are only two parties involved in this fracas, namely the two chicks whose blogs I just mentioned. That's not correct, of course. There's also their hordes of mindless fans. Some of you are probably wondering why I do not separate the fans, or readers, if you will, into two camps depending on their partisanship. There's a reason for that, and I shall address that presently.

Now, as everyone who knows me at all knows, I am always right, so I shall settle the dispute of who's right and who's wrong once and for all.

They're all wrong, of course, and I'm right.

That's right. I am so amazingly awesome and godlike that no one is more right than I am. That way, everyone loses and I win. Here's why they're all wrong.

The fans are wrong because no matter which side they're supporting, they're a bunch of dumbasses who care way too much about online disputes between people they've never met and who wouldn't like them if they did. If you're a fan of either, you probably disagree, but I have nothing more to say to you because you're all stupid, fuck off.

One of the disputants proposes banning aerosol sprays to stop these outrages of modesty at crowded events. She's wrong, of course. I have a better suggestion. We should ban all public events. Better yet, we should ban everyone from going out. That way, everybody can just spend all their time at home writing stupid blogs and getting involved in dumb flame wars.

The other disputant is against racism. That is also wrong. I think we could all do with a healthy dose of racism. That way, everyone hates everyone else and then the entire human race can engage in a bloody war to the death with everyone else and wipe their miserable species off the face of this godforsaken planet. Being a god and therefore not of the human species, this has nothing to do with me, of course. All I'm concerned about are the goddamned dolphins and whales, because they all taste delicious and if the human race wipes them out in some nuclear holocaust, I can no longer hunt them to extinction.

In conclusion, everyone is wrong and I'm right, and if you disagree, you're wrong.

Disclaimer: The author means everything he says, because I Rock, You Suck is never sarcastic or satirical, and remains, as always, an objective reporting and analysis of factual events. Oh, and by the way, you know how the USA claims to have landed men on the moon and that it's not made of green cheese, as was previously believed? That's all a hoax. The moon is, in fact, not made of green cheese, but orange cheddar cheese. It tastes delicious, too, because the author took a huge bite out of it and that's why it's a crescent now.  ¶
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