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Thursday, March 03, 2005
Monstrously Monotonous Online Retarded Pansy Games

I just watched the movie Closer, and man, it was good. Julia Roberts was watchable. Jude Law was engagingly wimpy. Clive Owen was surprisingly convincing, especially considering that the last (and only) time I saw him was in Arthur, in which he totally sucked. However, the really outstanding performance has got to be that of Natalie Portman. I mean, I've always known that she was beautiful, but I've always thought of her as being too . . . elegant to be sexy. I don't know if you chumps understand what I'm saying, but she always seemed to me to be made out of crystal. Something beautiful, but out of this world. Something that might break if put to everyday use. Now, however, I realise that she is made out of flesh.

Seriously, any show with Natalie Portman playing a stripper and wearing a thong is definitely worth your 7 bucks. Go watch it. You won't regret it. She's fucking gorgeous.

Also, the script is sublime. The scenes where the couples were breaking up were fucking riveting. Watch out for the part where Clive Owen just found out that Julia Roberts had been cheating on him. This is a show with no special effects and no action, but still managed to keep someone like me engrossed for almost two hours. There was so much happening onscreen that at the end of it, I was rather surprised to discover that the cast basically consisted of only four people. Indeed, the show itself was basically the four of them talking. Fucking genius, man. Words cannot convey how brilliant the show was, but the fact that I'm not giving spoilers like I usually do should be enough to show the depth of my regard for this movie. Just go watch it, people.

I was being unfair to Clive Owen. He was actually my favourite character in the show. If you watch it, you will know why.

Ok, will anyone tell me what's the fucking deal with MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games)? I think they're fucking boring and only retards will play them. I mean, come on, most MMORPGs have zero storyline. It has to be that way, because how do you create a storyline that would include, say, even just ten thousand users? So basically, MMORPGs consist mostly of you running around killing monsters and gaining levels. Yeah, really interesting. Me, if I play a game, it either has to have a lot of action (ala Unreal Tournament), a nice storyline, or I get to kill other people in the game. Nowadays, I seldom play action-oriented games anymore, because to be good in them, you have to be, like, 12, since only fucking kids will have the time to put in enough practise to be any good at them. As I've mentioned before, I hate losing, so FPS games are out for me.

So these days, I usually only play games with nice storylines and games where I get to PK (gaming lingo for player kill) other people. Now, most MMORPGs allow you to PK, but my issue with that is that the outcome of a fight between two or more players depends on their characters' respective levels. The levels, depend solely, in turn, on how much time you put into mindlessly killing monsters in the game. So where's the fucking satisfaction in that? Ok, you beat me, well done. Congratulations, you're a pimply-faced teenager with no life. Seriously, what's the point of PK-ing when skill does not affect the outcome? The only thing you'd have proven at the end of the day is that you're more able to deal with tedious, mindless tasks. I think "good" MMORPG players should put "has played a lot of MMORPGs" as relevant job experience on their resumes when applying for data-entry positions in big, multinational corporations.

Of course, you, the humble reader, may tell me that some people may say that these games are no different from other online chatting activities in which you chat and socialise with other people. Needless to say, my reply would be something along the lines of "yes, some people have double-digit IQs as well." The average MMORPG takes up hundreds of megabytes of disc space, while the average IRC client takes up less than ten. So don't be a fucking moron if all you want to do is chat and socialise. With IRC or IM, you can even do other things with your computer, such as play a nice game, unlike with MMORPGs, where you mostly have to throw all the fucking resources your computer has at the game.

So that leaves me with games with good storylines, which I usually cheat at. Why do I cheat at RPGs? Well, I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I am a programmer. See, as a programmer, the computer is my bitch. She does exactly what I tell her to do or else. Of course, the instructions I give have to be very fucking precise and accurate, because let's face it. Computers are stupid. If you use any program (including games) that runs like a dream and seems able to anticipate your every desire, bear in mind the fact that it's not the computer, or even the program, that's smart. It's the programmer that wrote it who is a fucking genius. So, anyway, I see no point in wasting my brainpower on playing RPGs honestly, because, hey, why argue with my bitch? I want to see the storyline plus be a fucking god in that world (whichever world the concept of the game resides in), so my bitch had better make it happen for me, or else.

Call it an ego thing.

I seriously don't see the point in getting royally fucked by your parents/bosses/teachers/spouses/mates/lovers in real life, and then being a dog in the fucking game as well. Of course, the first part of the previous sentence does not refer to me, since I am a fucking god in real life as well.

Run along, children. I've got a game to play.

p.s. The god of this blog is currently playing Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines in god mode.
How far into the movie does the thong scene come on? I'll just sneak in for that.
Just a quick qn: Or else... what?
tats: exactly
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