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Sunday, March 06, 2005
 
Joke of the day

This was too good not to post.




E-Mail Runs Amok in the UK

Following the gloomy, foggy mornings we've had in the UK recently,
we were regularly getting a couple of e-mails each morning distributed
to the whole site saying words to the effect of "Blue Ford Registration
W123XYZ lights left on".

This generated the following e-mails, also all distributed to the
entire site. These are all genuine, I have altered them only to remove
any clues as to the company/people involved...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ladies and Gentlemen,
whilst it is nice to be informed if you have left your car lights on, it
is not a very productive use of company resources.

A site-wide mail of this type will reach over 500 people/mailboxes, and
apart from clogging the network, adds to the load on the mail server.
Messages like these are currently generating over ten thousand mails per
week, which costs the company thousands of pounds in lost project time,
even if they are deleted straight away by the recipient!

Please can everybody consider their actions before using mail, especially
if sending it to large distribution lists.

Thanks.

Simon (IT)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: car lights
I agree it may be a waste of resources to send such a message
as a site wide mail message.

I have however a proposal:
How about creating a list/index (maybe Excel spreadsheet) of employee
car registration numbers and making it accesible over the network?
With such an index we would be able to target the car owners much
more prcisely.
Human resources already have the relevant information.

Just an idea

Arne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right, lets sort this out once and for all.

Maplin sell a small kit (about a fiver) which you can install in you car
to buzz when you open the drivers' door with the lights on. It's not that
difficult to install (but depends on how awkward your car is).
It's called a car-lights-on-warning-indicator in the 'car' section of
'Projects and Modules' in the catalogue. Both Maplin and Maplin
Professional Supplies carry the item.

So, all you need is a fiver, some bits of wire, some tools and a
competent installer (possibly your good self).

Jonathan


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Surely the best way to avoid this problem is to turn your lights off
BEFORE LEAVING YOUR CAR. This way you can avoid an unneccessary walk
back up to the car park in the rain.

However, if you are rather forgetful - like myself - then perhaps you
could tie a piece of string (although fishing line is probably more
durable) to your headlamp switch and to a finger on your right hand.
The pulling on your finger as you leave the car will remind you to turn
your lights off.

Jonnie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My, Mail clogging, recommendation is to walk or use public transport.

Regards
David

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Erm...

I was under the impression that most cars had a built in mechanism to
turn their headlights off automatically...

Usually after about 9-10 hours!

Byeee,
Steve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top tip:

Employees: Persuade the County Council to install mirrors
along the length of the walls in the car parking levels. This way when you
park up, you'll notice some bugger dazzling you with their headlights.
When you realise that this is you, this will serve as a useful reminder to
turn off your headlights.

Paul.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Avoid this problem by never tuning your lights on, instead paint the
bulbs bright yellow so, from a distance, they look as if they are on.
You will also save electricity.


Regards

Alan ( where the hell's the road gone!!!!!) G.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note that although these proposals are quite ingenious, in this
instance, it would NOT be appropriate to submit invention reports to
the Patent Department.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simply power your lights from a small pedal-driven generator in the
passenger's footwell. This both cures the problem of leaving lights on,
and also helps the environment by promoting car-pools.

Do I win 5 pounds?

Ian

P.S. Alternatively, to avoid the problem of wasting people's time and
company resources by sending lots of email, a Bulletin Board area could
be set up for this sort of thing (and other non-urgent announcements,
requests, whatever).

P.P.S. ...or ...did someone say Usenet News? No, I didn't think so.
But Lotus Notes is just around the corner (cough) and will probably
provide the same sort of facilities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People,

I've got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and
bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can
be sure you've not left them on!

Steve

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you fit an array of photoelectric cells over your vehicle's
headlights then it does not matter whether you leave them
switched ON or OFF!

Regrds,
Pat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> People,
>
> I've got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and
> bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can
> be sure you've not left them on!
>
> Steve
>

That is a brilliant idea. Now the next question is how to remind myself
to remove the car battery each day.

:-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Top tip:
>
> Employees: Persuade the County Council to install mirrors
>along the length of the walls in the car parking levels. This way when
>you
>park up, you'll notice some bugger dazzling you with their headlights.
>When you realise that this is you, this will serve as a useful reminder
>to
>turn off your headlights.

>Paul.

Did any bright sparks spot the flaw in my earlier suggestion?

However, not to worry:

In the event that you should park backwards, and a car parked opposite has
a sufficiently matt finish that blocks reflections from your headlights,
simply re-negotiate with the County Council to install additional
angled/curved mirrors on the roof of the car park.

This way you can then check the status of your rear lights from
reflections bounced from the back wall to the roof, which can then be
viewed through your sunroof.
Level 5 and sunroofless cars would be a problem though, any suggestions?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > People,
> >
> > I've got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and
> > bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can
> > be sure you've not left them on!
> >
> > Steve
> >
>
> That is a brilliant idea. Now the next question is how to remind myself
> to remove the car battery each day.
>
> :-)
>

That is easy, simply ensure that your car headlights are on
when you leave the car in the morning, then as you walk away from the
car you will notice the lights are on and will be reminded to remove the
battery from the car.

:-)))))))))))))))))))))


Andy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> > People,
> >
> > I've got a good idea. How about removing your car battery and
> > bringing it into work with you each day. That way you can
> > be sure you've not left them on!
> >
> > Steve
> >
>
> That is a brilliant idea. Now the next question is how to remind myself
> to remove the car battery each day.
>

Easy, if you are rather forgetful - like myself - then perhaps you
could tie a piece of string (although fishing line is probably more
durable) to your car battery and to a finger on your right hand.
The pulling on your finger as you leave the car will remind you to
remove your battery.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Accidentally leaving car headlights on is only a problem
because it flattens the battery.
I suggest that all those who do not have warning devices
to tell them that their lights are on, re-wire their
ignition switches so that the engine remains running when
the key is removed.

By doing this, the car battery will be automatically topped
up by the alternator, in much the same manner as when the car
is being driven.

Peter
^^^^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the subject of leaving your lights on, I think
I have got the answer.
Simply wire your headlights via the drivers seat
and then by wearing a metallic pair of pants the
act of sitting in the seat will make the connection
and turn on the lights. Thus there is no possibility
of the lights being left on while away from the car.

Be warned however that if you have a sunroof and
if you leave it open on a wet day you could be in trouble.

Barry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think we must get back to the roots here - see Simon's original mail. The
lesson seems to be that in order to avoid using unnecessary bandwidth avoid
sending mails which say "to avoid using unnecessary bandwidth ..."

Could we extend this idea to save the company money?

To avoid ..... etc. etc.

Ideas on a postcard ( to avoid using unecessary bandwidth ).


JM.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fellow battery flateners,

You're probably fed up with useful hints on how to avoid leaving your
lights on, but I feel that I have the ultimate suggestion.

1) Ask your line manager to relocate you to a window seat overlooking
the car park

2) Buy a (large) box of spare car light bulbs.

3) Invest in a long range hunting rifle with telescopic sight.

If you accidentally leave your lights on there is no need to return to
the car park, just shoot your headlights out.

Regards

HR

PS If you see any other car's lights on you can shoot those out as well
for practice.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ladies and Gents,
in support of the company's values, namely 'Respect for the individual'
it IS acceptable to continue to use the company mail systems for uses such as
informing people if they've left their lights on.

Apologies for any offence that may have been caused, certainly none was
intended!

Happy mailing!

Regards,

Simon


 
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